


On Our Own

by icalledherocean



Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: F/M, mockingjay au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-16
Updated: 2014-02-20
Packaged: 2018-01-08 22:59:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 51,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1138449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icalledherocean/pseuds/icalledherocean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He didn't know about this! He's trapped in a prison and he'll probably never see his baby. He thinks I'm dead..." A lie told by Peeta turns out to be the truth. Katniss finds out she's pregnant while trapped in District 13 and has to face the reality that Peeta may never make it back to her. AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

I sit at my window, staring out at the dawn breaking over Victor’s Village. I sigh heavily knowing today could very well be my last day in District 12. I lean my head against the cool windowpane and close my eyes against the brightening sun. I’m longing more than ever for my old life. I would be in the woods already if it weren’t for the Games. If I didn’t have to act like I’ve never done anything wrong. I get up and walk around my room, it seems like I’ve been doing nothing but pacing the past few days. Saying goodbye seems more final this time. I pass my open closet and stare at my dad’s hunting jacket. I reach out and run the material between my fingers and lament my lost time in the woods. My lost time with my best friend. My decision to go is an impulse, and I’m not even sure he’ll be there but I need to get out of this house. I have my hunting clothes on and I’m out the door before my mother and Prim even stir.

I quickly make my way to the hole in the fence nearest the Victor’s Village, I don’t want to be seen going through town this morning. When I cross over into the woods I take what feels like my first full breath since they announced the Quell. I quickly make my way toward Gale’s and my meeting spot. When I see his dark figure staring out over the valley I’m flooded with relief.

He turns and sees me, a smile playing on his lips but not quite reaching his eyes. He stands and opens his arms and I don’t hesitate before rushing to him. I wrap my arms around him and I’m so glad when he circles his around me too. I look up at him and smile, he returns it and it actually seems genuine this time.

We spend most of the morning hunting and once we’ve filled both of Gale’s packs we take a rest. It feels like the day a year ago that we spent sitting in this rock nook. So much has changed…

He offers me a few berries and I take them without hesitation. I sigh as I roll one between my fingers. “Take care of them if I don’t come back, Gale…” My voice is more pained than I expected. We’ve discussed this before, but it’s an all too close inevitability now.

"You know I will, Catnip." I know he’s watching me but I don’t turn to face him. I feel him tense a little when he says, "You don’t plan on coming back, do you?"

I close my eyes and shake my head. “Not this time.”

"Because of him?" I turn to look at him and he seems to regret speaking up. He raises a hand. "I don’t want to fight, not today. But I want you to be sure it’s what you need to do. You’ll be leaving a lot of people behind that love you."

I bite my lip and take a moment to think before responding, “I know, Gale… He saved my life. I can’t just let him die.”

Gale’s face falls a little and I know he’s trying to hold back his comments. His words are measured when he speaks again. “But you know he’s not going to let you do that. There’s a chance you’ll come home.”

I give him a sad smile and shake my head. “This isn’t like last time. These people won the games for a reason.”

"But you won the games too, Katniss. Don’t go in with no hope of ever coming back!” I didn’t want to come out here and upset him. I wanted to see my best friend the last day I’m in my District.

"Gale…" I put my hand on his arm. "Let’s head back, ok?"

He nods and helps me up. We’re quiet as we walk back to the fence and the trip seems to go by faster than usual. It’s because this is the last time you’ll be here. The day was well spent, Gale’s family will have plenty tonight and I was able to say my last goodbyes to Gale.

He walks me to my house in the Village and I give him a brief hug and whisper, “Don’t come to the court house tomorrow…”

He looks at me, a sad expression on his face but nods after a moment then whispers, “Ok, Catnip.” He turns to leave but when he reaches the last step, he looks back at me and says, “But this isn’t goodbye.”

I feel a little lighter as I watch him walk away. Gale has not accepted my impending death by any means, but being able to say my own goodbye makes this easier.

My mother and Prim are waiting for me when I enter the house. I spent the better part of the day in the woods and they already have dinner prepared. I smile gently at Prim as she tries to make conversation but I know the whole situation is forced for the both of them.

Once the plates are cleared and cleaned, Prim comes over to me and wraps her arms around my waist. She doesn’t say anything, just stands there holding on to this last moment or normalcy. I take a deep breath and look down at her. I bend down and wipe the few tears rolling down her cheeks away and kiss her lightly on the forehead.

I whisper, “Go to bed, Little Duck…”

She nods and gives me another quick hug before heading upstairs to her bedroom. I sigh and walk into the living room. I am ready for tomorrow. I know what will happen and I know that I could be dead by the end of the week. But I can’t focus on that right now. I just stand at the big window that looks out at Peeta’s house and wonder what he’s doing now. Baking… Or painting. I can’t help when I smile at the thought and I place my hand against the glass, as if I could reach across the lawn and be able to break through to the boy who I’ve been missing so much lately.

"Your father would be proud of you, Katniss." My mother’s voice brings me out of my thoughts of Peeta and I turn to face her. She’s smiling sadly at me, "I’m proud of you. I hope you know that."

I nod. “I know, mom…”

She moves toward me and places her hand against my cheek when she reaches my spot in the room. She shakes her head. “I never thought I would be saying goodbye to you again.” I know she wants to say more, but she doesn’t let the negative thoughts of the Capitol escape. The look that passes between us says more than enough. She stares at me for a little while then her eyes flicker toward the window I had been staring out. She smiles at me. “Go see him, sweetie.”

I raise an eyebrow. “What?”

She continues to smile when she says, “I know you want to see him, so go. I understand… I’ve been in this place before, but this could be your last real chance to say goodbye to him without everyone around. Don’t waste it.”

I shake my head. “He doesn’t want to see me…” The words come out in a whisper I didn’t realize how sad they would sound out of my head.

She doesn’t say anything, just shakes her head and goes upstairs. I watch her walk away then turn back to the window. The lights in Peeta’s house are still on and I’m suddenly wondering if maybe he would want to see me. I’ve been missing him so much more than I want to admit. Yes, he’s been around for training but he’s just been working Haymitch and me until we’re all exhausted.

I take in a breath when I see Peeta pass through his living room and pause at the window. He looks across at my house and smiles sadly. I’m not sure he even saw me. I head toward the stairs and my foot is barely on the bottom one when I turn and leave the house. I’m across the lawn and on Peeta’s porch before I realize it. I take in a breath and knock, hoping he’ll actually answer.

I hear his footfalls come toward the door and smile slightly. Confusion and something else, maybe relief, is in Peeta’s eyes when he opens the door.

He looks at me for a moment before saying, “Is something wrong?”

I shake my head and look down at my feet. I have no idea how I look right now, but I suppose it’s pretty drained after spending the day saying goodbyes. I can’t make myself look back at him, I don’t want to see the Peeta that has been present lately… I don’t want to see the Peeta trying to get me ready for this arena. I want to see the Peeta that wraps his arms around me at night to keep the nightmares away - The Peeta that kisses my forehead and smiles when he sees me. Now that he’s in front of me, I have no idea what to say. This moment is what I’ve been thinking of the entire day and I can’t even open my mouth.

"Do you want to come in? I’ll make tea."

I force my head up and quietly say, “Thank you.”

When I step inside, I seem to remember the real reason I wanted to come here so badly. He moves into the kitchen and I follow after a few minutes. I take a breath and say, “Peeta…”

He turns to look at me. “Are you sure everything’s ok, Katniss?”

I shake my head and move quickly toward him. I wrap my arms around his waist, pulling my body close to his. He doesn’t hesitate before circling his arms around me, holding on tight. The feeling of his body against mine provides instant comfort. Peeta is always warm and always makes me think of bread baking. I whisper against his chest, “I just needed to see you.”

He lets out a breath and pulls back so he can see my face. He brushes a few strands of hair behind my ear and lets his fingers trail down my jaw. His eyes are bright, but I know him well enough to see the sadness he’s trying so hard to hide. We both know what this night is.

I close my eyes, lean forward and press my lips to his. He takes a moment to respond but when he does, he adds an intense need that I’ve been feeling build up between us for weeks. I grip the back of his shirt and pull myself closer to him. When I run my tongue across his lips, he opens his mouth to allow entrance. The soft moan that escapes him causes a jolt to go through my stomach. Our tongues explore in a gentle dance, something we haven’t shared in private. I loosen my hold on his shirt and allow my fingers to softly travel under it and trail slowly across his skin.

He breaks the kiss and shakes his head. “Katniss…” There’s something of a warning in his voice, as if he’s telling me that continuing will take this somewhere I may not want to go.

I smile softly and bring my hand up to trace his jawline. He closes his eyes at my touch and I say, “This could be our last night here, Peeta…” His eyes open and lock with mine.

He shakes his head. “Don’t say that, Katniss. You don’t know…”

I sigh. “There isn’t much chance we’ll both come out of this arena…”

He frowns. “I know, but… Tomorrow you’ll think differently… And you’ll regret coming to see me…”

I’m smiling slightly as I answer, “I want to do this, Peeta. I want you.”

He just stares at me for a few minutes then brings our lips back together. I don’t know how long we stand there, locked in a passionate embrace, but my breathing is heavy when we break away and Peeta rests his forehead against mine. We look into each other’s eyes for a few minutes then I nod, giving him the permission he needs to go forward. He leans down and hooks his arm under my legs, lifting me from the ground. I wrap my arms around his neck to steady myself and I take in his smell. He’s been baking… Before I realize, we’re on the second floor. Peeta puts me down at the top of the stairs and wraps his arms around my waist again then brings his mouth down on mine.

I take the lead from here and pull him toward his bedroom, not breaking our kiss. He moves us toward the bed. He lays me down and hovers over me. I run my hands down his waist and pull his shirt up. We both sit up as I pull the material over his head and let it fall to the floor. He grasps at the bottom of my own shirt and I lift my arms to allow him to pull it off. I feel like I should be more nervous, but it doesn’t come.

Peeta pulls me to him, wrapping his arms around me and spreading his fingers out across my back. He leans forward, laying me back against the pillows and places heavy kisses against my neck. I let my fingers trail down his sides and find the button of his pants. His breath hitches against my neck when I undo it and start on the zipper.

"Wait, Katniss…" His voice is deeper than I’m used to hearing it and has an unfamiliar tone to it… something close to desperation. I let out a soft breath and when he looks at me, I can see how dark his eyes have gone. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

I place my hand on his cheek and nod. I move my other hand back down to his pants and slowly push them down. We slowly rid the other of the last of our clothing. He pulls me close and I know my face and neck are both flushed but we my eyes find Peeta’s again, I can see that his cheeks have gone red too. I bite my bottom lip and trace his jawline slowly.

Peeta gives me a smile as he moves himself above me. I let out a small gasp when we meet and Peeta’s eyes widen a bit, but I reassure him by bringing my lips to his. The sensation is completely new to me and feels so different than I ever thought it would. Our movements are slow and meaningful, each touch that passes between us says so much. I gently brush the hair the falls across Peeta’s forehead back and smile as his eyes light up.

This moment is more perfect than anything else I’ve experienced. It feels right and I can almost forget the darkness that is looming over the both of us - I can almost pretend that this isn’t the only time we’ll be in this moment. Neither of us have been in this place before, but that doesn’t seem to matter right now. We take as long as we can, just being as close as possible. We go slow and long kisses pass between us.

Our breathing becomes labored and I grip Peeta, pulling my body even closer to his. The electricity that’s been coursing through me seems to reach an impossible point and I can’t help but let out a moan as I go over the edge. Soon, I feel Peeta’s pace quicken. His movements become more desperate. His muscles tighten and he reaches his breaking point with my name on his lips.

Our eyes meet again and the power of our actions seems to register between us. We don’t shy away; instead we stay in this moment, lost in complete bliss and each other.

I smile as Peeta gently brushes stray hairs off my face. He settles beside me and I automatically pull myself against his chest. He smiles down at me and wraps an arm around my waist.

I give him a soft kiss and lay my head in the place above his heart. I’ve just closed my eyes when he whispers, “I love you.”

The words were so quiet, I’m not positive he meant me to really hear them. I don’t move for a minute, letting the impact of this wash over me. Yes, I’ve known Peeta loves me for a while but he’s never actually said the words before. Typically, these proclamations make my stomach twist with guilt, but not this time. I look up at him and he just looks into my eyes.

I don’t know what to say right now. I sigh softly, “Peeta…”

He shakes his head. “It’s ok, Katniss. I just wanted you to know… Before everything happens. If I don’t make it…”

I tilt my head and smile at him. I feel like I’ve known this for some time, but admitting it is a different story. The love I feel for Peeta has always felt tainted by the Capitol, as if actually falling for this boy would mean giving in to their will. But now I feel as though this would have happened with or without the Games to push us together. Peeta has been a mysterious part of my life for so long and I know that I would not be here today if it hadn’t been for his kindness. He’s always been so sure that he loves me, and now I’m sure about my feelings too.

I bite my lip and smile, feeling suddenly shy and it has nothing to do with our current state of undress. I lace my fingers with Peeta’s and whisper, “I love you too.” The smile he gives makes me certain I’ve done the right thing coming here tonight. He doesn’t say anything else, just kisses me again then lays his head against the pillow and pulls me close.

I don’t remember falling asleep, but when the bright light flooding through the large window in Peeta’s room hits my eyes, I jerk awake. I move my head to look at Peeta and realize he’s awake too. He gives me a half smile and loosens his grip on my waist. I can’t describe the feeling of loss that comes over me when he gets out of bed and starts to get dressed.

I frown as he turns back to me and holds out a hand to help me up. I push myself off his bed and pull my clothes from last night back on then head for the door.

"Katniss…"

I stop and look back at Peeta. He’s in a pair of pajama pants and nothing else, his hair sticking up in every direction. My stomach twists as I think of how wonderful it would be to wake up every morning to this sight, but I know that I’ll probably never get to see this again. I sigh. “I’ll see you later today, Peeta…” He walks over to me and places a kiss on my forehead. I close my eyes when his lips touch my skin and whisper, “I won’t regret this…”

I feel his smile before he pulls back and I can see it. He nods and says in a soft voice, “Neither will I.”


	2. Waking Up

_The quiet of the jungle is replaced suddenly by absolute chaos. My arm feels like it’s going to break into pieces and my head is heavier than I’ve ever felt it as I try and sit up. I blink several times, orienting myself. I can’t think of anything other than the intense pain in my left arm. I get shakily to my feet and take in a sharp breath. The world tilts forward as I start to move and I throw my hands out before I run right into a tree._

“ _Katniss!”_

_I jerk my head around to try and locate where the sound came from. “Peeta!” I push myself away from the tree and start running back up the hill toward the lightening tree._

“ _Katniss!”_

_I’m breathing heavily when I reach it and my vision has gone fuzzy. I rub at my eyes harshly. I hear heavy footfalls heading toward me and automatically ready my bow. I’m trying to focus on the rustling leaves in front of me when I see Peeta emerge from the jungle. I drop my arms and run to him, wrapping them tight around his waist._

“ _Peeta?”_

_He shushes me and whispers, “It’s ok. I’m here…”_

_A scream rips through the air and my eyes widen as Peeta moves back from me. “Don’t go!”_

_He frowns. “I’ll be right back. Stay here, Katniss…”_

_As soon as he’s gone, I fall to the ground. My head is pounding and I can’t seem to catch my breath. I look up when I hear Peeta’s yell and a loud laugh coming from somewhere. I try to push myself up but I can’t and I just wince in pain. I think I hear my name being yelled, but I can’t focus on it. I can only hear my heart pounding in my ears… I look up when I see someone move in front of me but only catch the retreating form of someone with bronze hair. Finnick?_

I have to end this…

_I force myself to stand up and grab my bow. I carefully wrap the wire around my arrow. I pick the tallest tree I can find and rush to it, making the fluid transition from running to climbing. I reach the top rather quickly in my condition and steady myself. Taking a deep breath I put the arrow in place and find my target. The chink in the armor. I let out my breath and let the arrow fly._

_The light is blinding and, for a moment, I feel like I can see beyond the arena… Suddenly, blasts go off and I’m thrown from the tree. I land hard on my back and spots erupt in my vision._

_Suddenly a hovercraft appears above me. I can’t move away from it and the claw reaches down and grabs me off the arena floor. I’m frozen in the electric current. The last thing I remember before completely blacking out is seeing the face of Plutarch Heavensbee._

I groan and clench my fingers. There’s a steady beeping somewhere near me and it’s boring into my head. I try and take in a deep breath but I can’t manage it. After a few minutes, I slowly open my eyes. The bright light burns against my eyelids and I wince when it hits my eyes directly. I have to blink several times before I can make out anything near me. I turn my head to my left and see a stark, white wall and the machines that must be emitting the beep. I turn my head to the right and my eyes fall on Finnick Odair. He’s sitting up in his bed and watching me with a sad expression on his face.

 _Finnick?_  I don’t understand… “Where are we?”

And why isn’t Peeta here? I try to sit up and then a harsh laugh reaches my ears. My movement stops immediately and I stare down to the end of my bed and see Haymitch standing there with his arms crossed over his chest, a smirk on his lips.

"Good to see you’re awake, sweetheart." He pulls a chair up next to my bed and sits down. I just stare at him until he catches on that I’m not going to be the one to speak first and he starts, "We’re in 13." My eyes widen and he holds up a hand. "I couldn’t tell you before. This is the headquarters of the rebellion."

My brow furrows and I swallow hard. “The rebellion?” My voice is scratchy and I wonder how long I’ve been out.

Haymitch nods. “The whole thing was part of the plan. Finnick and the other Victors that were with you. They were helping us. They sacrificed a lot to keep you safe.” I can’t focus on all of this. It seems too farfetched for me to really believe.

I frown. “Where’s Peeta?” If he believes this, then I might try to.  _Does he already know?_

Haymitch sighs and shakes his head. “We couldn’t get everyone out. We were under fire and had to make decisions.”

My eyes narrow and my voice is much stronger this time. “Where is Peeta?”

There’s obvious pain in the man’s voice when he answers, “The Capitol got to him before we could.” I can feel tears already forming in my eyes. “I’m sorry.”

I feel like I can’t breathe as he gets up and walks out of the room. The Capitol took Peeta… He’s probably in some prison being tortured for information on a rebellion he doesn’t even know about. The tears are falling before I can stop them and it just makes it even harder for me to breathe. I bite my lip, trying to stop the gasping noise I’m making when I notice Finnick sit down in the chair beside my bed.

He doesn’t reach out to touch me right away, just sits and makes a soft shushing sound. It only reminds me of the last time I saw Peeta in the arena. He’s quiet for a few minutes then he slowly reaches out and places a hand on my arm. I don’t move away from him and he smiles. “It’s going to be ok, Katniss… Pretty soon they’ll figure out he doesn’t know anything and they won’t be as hard on him.”

I frown. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

He gives a small shrug. “It’s the only thing there is to hold on to right now.”

I stay in the hospital for at least a week. It turns out that Johanna hitting me with the wire gave me a concussion and I have to be watched. I can’t find the energy to really care anymore. All I can think about is Peeta sitting in a cell or dead… I’ve heard the conversations the rebel leaders have had and the suspicion is that Peeta is already dead.  _It’s probably best if he is…_

My mother was given a position on the nursing staff in 13 and she seems happy about it. She isn’t a doctor, but the other nurses show her respect, as well as the doctors. She tends to me pretty much on her own and I’m surprised to find that I prefer that. I’m not sure I trust anyone here in 13… I can’t shake the nagging thought that they left us all to suffer for so long while they were rebuilding here. They were not without loss and tragedy, but I don’t think I’ll ever understand why no one tried to contact the suffering Districts in 70 something years.

Because of my concussion, I’ve been feeling more nauseous lately. It’s almost unbearable to wake up every morning and have to throw up. Another side effect has been my overemotional state. I get angrier over little things and I can’t always stop tears before they start rolling down my cheeks. No one knows what to do around me, and everyone except Prim and my mother take very cautious steps when I’m concerned.

It’s not long before I’m allowed to leave the hospital, but I don’t have to get the schedule printed on my arm like everyone else in 13 does.  _I’m too unstable, I suppose._  I don’t really care. I can’t stand the idea of that purple ink directing me from location to location in this maze and I doubt I would follow the order even if I had a schedule printed on me.

Gale spends a lot of time with me when I’m not in the hospital for some check-up on my mental health. He visits there sometimes, but I think Finnick makes him uncomfortable. I’ve honestly grown to like the Victor and the quiet company he makes. We’ve become something of friends and when I’m finally allowed to stay with my family in our quarters, I still go to visit him. He seems to be suffering some sort of mental breakdown and can’t really function well on his own. It takes a while for him to hear when someone talks to him and he’s picked up a habit of just staring off into space, lost in his own head.

It’s normal for Gale to find his way to my side as I wander through the many hallways that make up District 13. Most of the time, I don’t mind when he’s near or when he just shows up wherever I happen to be hiding but there are times when I just want to be on my own and he manages to find me anyway.

Today, I’ve found my way to a closet that no one ever seems to use. I’ve been sitting here for hours and no one has come to get anything out of it. I sigh and lean my head against the wall, trying to fight off the nausea that’s been creeping up on me the past few minutes. There’s a soft knock on the door and I’m not really surprised when Gale opens the door and slips in.

He smiles as he sits down next to me. “How are you feeling today? Still sick?”

I nod. “At least I haven’t actually thrown up yet.”

He shakes his head. “Maybe your mom should check on that, Catnip. You’re sick just about every day now.”

I shake my head. “It’s apparently normal for my ‘mental state.’” I laugh softly and close my eyes.

“Well, I didn’t come to just visit. We’re both wanted in Command. Apparently, they have an announcement.”

I groan. “I’m sure it’s another attempt to convince me to be the Mockingjay.”

"Well…" My eyes snap to Gale and he raises his hands in defense. "Look, they need you here, Catnip. I think you should give the idea more consideration than you have been."

He stands up and offers down a hand to help me. I sigh as he pulls me off the ground. They’ve been trying to get me to agree to be the Mockingjay since I woke up in this place, but unfortunately I’ve shown no real signs of interest in taking on the position. How could they have just assumed I would be willing to do this for them after they abandoned the rest of the Districts? After they left us alone to be forced into the Hunger Games every year… After they left Peeta in that arena to be taken into the custody of the Capitol?

Gale won’t listen to my reasons. He wants me to take on this role and be the symbol of the rebellion. It’s caused more than a few arguments between us. He’s thrown himself into this cause and I can’t stand to be around him when all he talks about is war tactics…

Command is a high-tech communication center where the people of importance to the rebellion spend their days. I’ve been there a few times but I can’t bring myself to really focus when I’m in the room. I mostly spend my time staring at Coin’s perfectly even hair and watching Plutarch get more and more worked up over my lack of interest in the cause.  _Maybe if they hadn’t signed me up for this without my knowledge and hadn’t left Peeta in the arena, I would care._

When we reach Command today, however, it’s obvious that this is not a routine meeting. Everyone is standing around a television set muttering to each other. I can’t move past the entrance.  _What is this…?_  I’m trying to back out of the room when Plutarch looks up and sees me. He motions for me to come to him and Gale gives me a push in the direction.

The moment my eyes land on the screen, I know exactly why I’ve been called here. Caesar Flickerman is about to start his show with his special guest: Peeta Mellark. I can’t hold back my gasp when the camera pulls back and I can see him. He looks whole and as well as he can in this situation. I fall to my knees in front of the screen and raise my hand to it.  _Peeta…_

Caesar’s famous voice hits my ears. “I have a very special guest with me today. Peeta Mellark.” He turns to Peeta and the camera does a close up of his face. I search his eyes hungrily. There’s no sign of fear or abuse in them and I allow myself to momentarily believe that he’s safe.

Peeta smirks and my stomach turns over. “I bet you’d thought you did your last interview with me, Caesar.”

Caesar nods solemnly. “I’ll have to admit that I did, Peeta.”

Peeta shakes his head slightly. “I wasn’t expecting to be here again either, honestly.”

"Your plan was to sacrifice yourself in the arena so Katniss Everdeen and your unborn child could survive?"

Peeta sighs. “That was what I had planned, yes. But there were larger plans operating around us.”

Caesar leans a little closer to Peeta. “And you and Katniss had no idea that your mentor, Haymitch Abernathy, had devised a plan with the rebels?”

Peeta closes his eyes and rubs the bridge of his nose in frustration. When he speaks again, his voice is measured. “No, Caesar. We had no idea.”

Caesar nods. “Tell us, Peeta… In those moments before Katniss blew out the force field surrounding the arena…”

Peeta glares at the host and practically growls, “You can’t blame that on her. She didn’t know what was happening!”

Caesar shrinks back a little, not wanting to aggravate Peeta even further. “Yes, Peeta… But before then. Tell us what was going through your mind when you found Katniss.”

It’s a few minutes before Peeta speaks up. “To understand the arena, Caesar, is the hardest thing to do.” His brow furrows and I can tell it pains him to say this. “It was unbearably hot. There was no relief from the humidity and everything would stick to the skin… It was like being trapped under a glass bowl where there are new dangers presented at every hour.” He looks at the ground, his hands gripping tight on his legs. “And instead of a regular tribute, you’re up against  _Victors_.” He pauses and looks back at Caesar. “Victors who could easily kill you at any moment.”

Caesar shakes his head. It’s likely he has never even imagined what it would be like in the arena. He’s never had to wonder what it’s like to view everyone as an enemy and hope that the next morning will come and you will be safe for a while longer. “Please, Peeta… What did you think when you found Katniss?”

"I’m not really sure anymore. We had been separated, which was a mistake, and it was at least an hour before I found her again by that tree… I just remember when I finally laid my eyes on her, I couldn’t breathe. I thought that it could possibly be some trick of the Gamemakers, anything to get my hopes up that Katniss would be alright." He closes his eyes and leans forward, his elbows on his knees. He sounds so broken when he says, "I shouldn’t have left her… I heard that scream and left." I can tell he’s getting angry and I notice that I’m already crying. He shakes his head and refuses to continue.

"One last question, Peeta… Is there anything you would like to say, about the war?"

Peeta frowns and looks straight at the camera. “Consider what is happening right now. The last time this country was torn apart by war, there were so many lives lost. If the same thing happens again, we could easily push humanity toward extinction.” He pauses and shakes his head. “If everyone, on both sides, would just put down their weapons and consider the high cost this war will have… We will be able to save so many lives and maybe humanity itself.”

Caesar raises an eyebrow. “So you’re calling for a cease-fire?”

Peeta looks at him and nods, exasperated. “Yes, Caesar… A cease-fire. Now, can I go back to my quarters?”

The broadcast ends and I just stare at the black screen. Around me, people are muttering about how Peeta has betrayed the rebel cause and I can’t stand it. What does it matter? Whatever he’s said, been  _made_  to say, it doesn’t matter because he’s alive. Peeta Mellark is alive.

I bolt from the room, running until I’m sure they won’t find me, and duck into a closet. I’m smiling when I whisper, “You’re alive…”

The door to the closet I’m in opens and closes quickly. When Gale sits down in front of me, I notice his nose is bleeding.

"What happened?"

He shrugs. “I got elbowed trying to stop them from following you.”

I reach out and dab at the bleed, trying to wipe it away. He gives an exasperated sigh and moves away from me. I whisper, “Sorry…”

"It doesn’t matter. I thought you might like to have a moment alone after that…" I catch a glimpse of something in his eyes that makes me scoot closer to the wall.

I realize how shaky my voice is when I say, “I didn’t think he was actually alive.”

Gale scoffs quietly and I give him a look. “What he said tonight probably put this cause in a lot of danger. Not every District has turned on the Capitol and Peeta carries a lot of weight in this duo.” He gestures toward me and I frown.

I mutter. “I know they made him say that…”

Gale shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter who  _made_  him say it, what matters is he said it on live television to all of Panem.”

He doesn’t say anything more and I just stare at him for a while. My thought process has been much slower lately and it takes me time to properly think through things. I sigh and lean my head back against the wall. I know he’s right… It doesn’t matter if Peeta was forced to say that or not, he still said it. Peeta has probably put himself in so much danger and doesn’t even realize it. I can feel tears pricking at my eyes and squeeze my eyes shut tight to try and stop them.  _At least you’re safe for now, Peeta… And I will make sure you stay that way._

I whisper, “I’m going to have to do it…” If I want to see the end of this war, I’ll have to play my part and that means finally giving in to their want.

"Do what?"

I look back at Gale and frown. He knows what I’m going to say but wants to hear it from me before he’ll believe it’s what I really am going to do. “Be the Mockingjay.”

Gale walks me back to my family’s compartment and lets me have some time by myself. I sit down on the small bed I share with Prim and stare at the bare, white wall. Everything here is too artificially bright it hurts my head… I’m silent the rest of the day, even when my mother and Prim come back. I know I won’t be able to find sleep tonight, my mind is buzzing with thoughts of Peeta and the rebellion and what it will mean for me to accept the role as the Mockingjay.

I give up on trying to sleep and get out of bed. I pace the compartment for a little while, trying to calm my mind then go over to the dresser we all share. In my possessions, rests the parachute I received in the arena… 13 took the medicine to be used here but I was allowed to keep the spile and pearl. I close my fingers around the delicate little jewel and close my eyes, remembering the way Peeta looked so happy when he gave it to me - as happy as you can look in the middle of the Hunger Games.

I whisper, “I miss you…”

I hear stirring behind me, and turn to see Prim sitting up in bed. “Katniss?” Her voice is thick with sleep but she has a concerned look on her face. “Are you ok?”

I nod and whisper, “Go back to sleep, Little Duck… I’m just feeling a little sick. Nothing to worry about.” It isn’t a lie, not really. My stomach has been in disastrous knots since Peeta’s interview earlier. It’s terrible.

Prim frowns and moves to where I stand in the room. “You don’t have to push me away, Katniss. I can keep a secret too.”

I frown at her words. Almost losing her sister twice, escaping a burning District 12 - this entire war - has forced my little sister to grow up too fast. It isn’t fair that this innocent child now has to bear so much more weight than I had to, even at her age. I pull her into a hug.

"Tomorrow, I’m going to agree to be the Mockingjay."

Prim looks up at me, taking only a moment to digest my words before nodding. “Because you feel you have to, or because you want to?”

I smile and shake my head. “A little of both, but I don’t think I’ve ever had much of a choice, Prim.” I frown and voice the lone thought that’s been in my mind all night. “I just don’t want them to hurt Peeta… They think he’s a traitor now after his interview with Caesar.”

She shakes her head. “You keep forgetting how important you are here, Katniss. If you tell them that Peeta’s safety is a factor in getting you to do this, they’ll listen.”

I’m skeptical of her statement. I highly doubt I have that much power here to demand the safety of someone who they all believe to be a traitor to the cause, especially after I’ve spent so long denying the role that was custom made for me. I shake my head and hug Prim again, “Maybe.”

"Are you sure you want to do this, Catnip?"

I look at Gale and sigh, it feels like the hundredth time he’s asked me this and he was the one trying to convince me just the day before. “I need to do this. You said so yourself, we can’t get anywhere without me becoming the Mockingjay.”

He nods and pushes the door to Command open. I step through and find everyone is there, thankfully. Plutarch looks up at me as I walk in and smiles. Typically, I only make it here under coercion and when I get here, I just stare at the wall or at the table. Me being here seemingly on my own must seem like a huge step forward in my mental state.

"Ms. Everdeen. What can we do for you?" Coin’s voice hits my ears and I look up at her. Her expression is hard to read but I think she’s irritated with my presence.

I take a breath before saying, “I’ve decided to be your Mockingjay.”

Everyone around me makes sounds of relief except Coin. She just stares at me, her eyes narrowing slightly as she says, “Good. I’m glad you realized how important this is.”

I don’t look away from her when I say, “I have a few stipulations.”

She smiles slightly, it isn’t a happy expression but not exactly a smirk. “I thought doing this for the betterment of Panem would come without strings.”

Plutarch speaks up then. “What are they, Ms. Everdeen? We’ll at least hear them before shutting down the idea.”

I look down at the paper I wrote down the list on this morning. It looks terribly small now and I’m not sure if I should try to think of more. When Plutarch clears his voice I realize I’ve been staring at the paper longer than I meant to.

"First… I want Gale to be with me all the time. I can’t do this without him."

Coin tilts her head. “In what capacity? Just as a fellow soldier on the field? Or perhaps we should present him as your new lover?”

My mouth drops opens and I can’t find words. I’m about to start yelling when Plutarch finally says, “No. I don’t think we should abandon the relationship with Peeta. The country has sympathy for them… And she’s supposed to be having his child.”

Coin nods. “Fair enough. Mr. Hawthorne will be with you on the field as a fellow soldier. In private, you may do whatever you like.”

I’m so confused. How could they think I would just forget about Peeta? Or assume that Gale is more than just my friend? Obviously Coin did not believe the star-crossed lovers angle the Capitol created.

I’m silent for too long and Coin raises an eyebrow. “Is there anything else?”

"I want to be able to go outside." I frown when Coin starts to shake her head immediately. I don’t let it deter me. "I would get better, faster, if I could breathe fresh air."

She considers me for a minute then finally says, “Fine. You will be under surveillance and have a strict time. Breaking that time will result in this being taken away. Is that all?”

I shake my head. “After the war is over, I want full immunity for Peeta and the other Victors that were taken.”

Her eyes narrow again. “Mr. Mellark may have caused irreversible damage during his broadcast. I cannot guarantee that he will be free of a trial once this war is won.”

I shake my head. “You will or I won’t be the Mockingjay! It isn’t his or any of the other Victors faults that you left them in that arena and the Capitol found them! And you’ll make this announcement in front of the entire District so everyone knows that you support them.”

Neither of us turns our gaze away and the tension between us builds. President Coin obviously does not like me, and honestly, I’m not her biggest fan either. Eventually, she relents and nods. “Fine. I’ll make the announcement today.”

I’m rushed through prep that day. It turns out that Cinna was in on the conspiracy too and created a uniform for me. When I see it, tears prick at my eyes immediately and I can’t help but view this as art rather than armor. Plutarch gives me Cinna’s sketchbook and I trace my fingers over each page, remembering the kind man that gave me the name the world knows me as. I can’t stop the tears as they roll down my cheeks when I reach the last page and see a sketch of my Mockingjay pin with a final message from Cinna,  _"I’m still betting on you."_

My prep team was rescued from the Capitol and brought here. Plutarch thought having them with me would make me more comfortable with the process. I’m not really sure this could be made comfortable, but he can think that if he wants to. The team is in pretty rough shape when they are brought to the studio where the propos will be shot and their condition makes me even angrier at this place. Coin, the secrets kept in 13… Panem itself…

Filming is awful and, honestly, my lack of acting ability doesn’t help. I wish Peeta were here to do this. If anyone could inspire a nation from here, it would be him. Finnick found his way to the studio and wanders around for a while before he settles into a chair and just watches as they put me into place for the actual filming. I butcher the lines that were carefully decided on and shake my head as Finnick starts to laugh.

A crackling comes across the room as a speaker is turned on a Haymitch’s voice sounds through the room. “And that is how a revolution dies.”

My breath catches in my throat as his words hit me. I haven’t heard that voice in weeks and just the thought that he is in a position of power over this production makes me angrier than I expected. Finnick comes over to me and puts a hand on my shoulder and I notice then that I’ve been shaking. I look at him and he’s giving me a sympathetic look. He knows how I feel about the man that abandoned Peeta in the arena.

Haymitch requests a private meeting with me after we’re finished with everything on the set. I don’t want to go but Finnick steers me to the door and stands there until I go in. I don’t look at Haymitch as I take a seat across from him. He’s tapping his fingers on the table and the sound bothers me. I look up at him and glare when I notice that he’s smirking.

"What?"

He nods toward me. “Say it.”

I frown. “I can’t believe you left him.”

Haymitch sighs and nods slightly, a sad look crossing his face. “I know, sweetheart. We couldn’t get everyone out. We would have been shot down.”

I digest the information. It isn’t an apology, but I know that he actually does feel bad for leaving Peeta at the mercy of the Capitol. “Fine. You say it.”

He leans forward. “I can’t believe you let him walk away.”

I bite my lip and take a deep breath. I whisper, “I know…” I can feel tears starting to gather and I angrily swipe at them.  _I’m so tired of crying!_

Haymitch reaches out and places a hand on my arm. “We’ll see him again, sweetheart.” I can’t say anything and just look away from the man. I know he has hope that Peeta will be fine and once this is over, he’ll find his way back but I just can’t bring myself to believe in that dream. Happiness rarely finds me and I don’t see why it would now.

There’s a knock on the door and a man named Boggs walks into the room. He’s kind and I can’t find any reason to dislike him like I have with almost everyone else in 13.

He looks at the both of us before saying, “There’s been some discussion… and it’s been decided that Katniss will be sent into District 8 later today. They were recently bombed and seeing the Mockingjay may bring them a little hope in this situation.”

He stares at me for a few minutes while I process what he’s said. I nod and say, “I’ll go.”

Almost two hours later, I’m boarding a hovercraft that will take me directly into District 8. I’ve been fitted with an earpiece that will connect me with Haymitch. While we’re on the ground, he’ll be in the hovercraft giving me direction. I’m not overly joyed about the idea of Haymitch being the one who is meant to direct me through this, but he gave me the same smirk he wore the first day of prep in my first games and I just knew it would be better to keep quiet.

Gale is with me and it brings me some small comfort. He sits beside me on the craft and when we land, he stays by my side the entire time. He’s been noticing my temper more and more lately, along with my tendency to be sick. He didn’t hide his dislike of me going into a warring District, but knew he couldn’t keep me from it.

I lean my head back against the seat and wrap my arms tightly around my stomach and let out a soft groan.

Gale nudges me gently. I look at him and have to force myself not to roll my eyes when I see how concerned he looks. His voice is soft and low when he says, “What’s been going on, Catnip?”

I shake my head. “I just don’t feel very good lately, you know that.” I lean against his shoulder. “I don’t know what it is.”

He shrugs slightly. “Maybe it’s just a stomach virus.” I nod and close my eyes, hoping to get some much needed sleep before we land in 8.

The district is torn and broken when we arrive. There is evidence of an air raid that’s destroyed many buildings and homes, but at least it is not completely destroyed like District 12 is. We’re ushered through the District by a woman named Paylor. She’s a strong woman but seems to genuinely care about her people and I find myself automatically trusting her.

We are directed toward a barn that is acting as a hospital. I barely make it through. Peeta is never far from my mind lately and having person after person ask me about him makes my heart feel like it’s in a vise. People reassure me that, one day, we’ll be back with each other and that they know he only spoke for my safety. They don’t doubt that he is loyal to this cause. People ask about the baby and I just smile and tell them everything is going fine. I had almost forgotten about Peeta throwing even more in the face of the Capitol and showing the nation how cruel they are by telling them I was going into the arena pregnant. I can’t believe the rebellion hasn’t come up with an excuse about this yet. I keep my composure throughout the visit and only allow myself to break down once we’ve left the building.

Gale wraps an arm around my shoulder and smiles down at me. “I can’t believe you let so many people touch you.”

I roll my eyes. “Shut up, Gale…” I’m quiet for a few minutes as we walk back toward the hovercraft then I sigh softly, “I’m not sure how I’ll do this without him…”

Gale does a good job at hiding his irritation with my statement and just squeezes my shoulder gently. “You’re stronger than you think, Catnip. And you have the rest of us here… I know you’ll pull through this.”

An explosion that throws the two of us backward cuts off my response. Gale is picking me up off the ground when Boggs comes running to us he yells. “We have to get out of here! They’re bombing the District!”

I share a quick glance we Gale before he says, “We’re staying to help!” The two of us turn and head toward a building where people are climbing to the roof. When we reach the top, we see that Paylor and several others are manning mounted guns.

Paylor looks at us and simply nods at us and Gale and I proceed to help take down the hovercrafts that are threatening this District. We manage to take down a few of them, saving at least part of the city from damage, but not before those of us fighting back escape damage. Gale is shot in the shoulder while protecting me, and it makes me feel sick that he’s suffered so much pain because of me. The hospital was bombed but the quick actions taken by Paylor, allowed most of the people to be evacuated before too much damage was done.

When we reach the ground again, Boggs is waiting for us. He looks angry but it seems to fade as I sway on my feet. His eyes widen and he catches me before I fall. I hear him muttering something into his headset but I can’t make out what it is. He carries me back to the hovercraft and settles me into a seat, careful that my head is resting on the cushioned headrest.

Everything starts going out of focus and I close my eyes against the distortion. Someone sits down next to me and takes my hand in theirs.  _Gale?_  A deep voice whispers, “Katniss?” There’s a pause and suddenly the voice sounds panicked. “What’s wrong with her?”


	3. The Wrench

I can’t remember anything after Gale sat down next to me on the hovercraft, but when I come to I’m in the hospital of 13. I feel terrible. I’m not certain what’s happened but my arms and head feel heavier than I’ve ever known they could. I groan and when I move to sit up, pair of hands gently hold my shoulders and help me lean back against the pillows. I turn and see Gale standing beside my bed. His arm is in a sling, but otherwise he looks fine. He smiles at me then nods toward the other side of my bed. My mother sits in a chair beside me, with a concerned look on her face. Her entire appearance gives me the impression that she’s been sitting with for a while and that it hasn’t been a pleasant experience.

I try to silently tell her I’m sorry when a soft cough brings my attention to the foot of my bed. A doctor I’ve never seen before is standing there. He has a kind face and when he speaks, his voice doesn’t sound clinical like the other doctor’s I’ve seen do. He smiles gently and it strikes me that he’s the first doctor in 13 that has made that effort. “Hello, Katniss. It’s nice to finally see you awake.”

I frown and raise my eyebrows. When I speak, my voice is thick and raspy. “How long was I out?”

He moves to stand beside my mother and says, “You’ve been coming in and out for about four days. Everything seems to be ok though. The stress of the District and some remaining effects of your concussion led to you blacking out. Nothing to worry about now.”

I nod and stare at him for a minute, waiting for him to either say something else or leave. When he doesn’t make a move to leave I ask, “Is something else wrong?”

My mother reaches out and takes my hand and I give her a strange look before turning my attention back to the doctor. He glances at Gale and says, “Perhaps we should speak in private about this.”

I look up at Gale. He seems as confused as I am about this and I shake my head when I turn back to the doctor. “Why?”

My mom squeezes my hand. “I think he may be right about this, sweetie…”

I just shake my head. Gale has been by my side through everything the past few years, I don’t want both him and Peeta to be taken away now. “He can hear whatever it is… He’s the only friend I have down here.”

The doctor frowns a bit but nods. “We did a blood test when you were admitted to the hospital after the events in District 8. We wanted to be sure that everything was normal. The tests came back just fine, but there are levels of hCG in your system.”

I’m confused. I look between my mother and Gale for any indication of what it means but my mother’s face is impassive and Gale seems just as lost. “What does that mean?”

"It means you’re pregnant."

The word hits me hard and I feel like I can’t breathe. This can’t be right. I shake my head. “What?”

The doctor gives me another gentle smile. “You’re pregnant, Katniss. You’re about six weeks along now.” I can’t make myself look at Gale; I don’t want to see the betrayal or disappointment in his eyes. “Do you know who the father is?” The question is so impersonal, so clinical and I briefly wonder if this doctor assumes I just don’t know.

I close my eyes and nod. I take several breaths before whispering, “Peeta… It’s Peeta.”

I don’t open my eyes when I hear Gale start to move away, and when I do finally open them he’s gone. I look at my mother and can tell this isn’t the first time she’s heard this news.

The doctor’s voice is sad when he says, “I see.” He gives me a look I can’t quite identify before saying, “You’re going to need to stay here for a few days so we can be sure everything is going smoothly with the baby. Your mother told me she didn’t think you knew, is that correct?”

I can’t find my voice and just nod.

He nods and says, “Everything should be alright. You seem to be in good health now, but since you were in the arena, we want to be sure there wasn’t any lasting trauma on the fetus.”

I look down at my hands, a night in District 12 that seems too far away to possibly have anything to do with me now comes to my mind. I didn’t regret it then, but do I now? I bite my lip and feel tears starting to roll down my cheeks. My mother whispers something to the doctor and he leaves. I look over at her and can’t think of anything to say but “I’m sorry” and even that doesn’t seem to fit with what I’m feeling right now: Hurt, shock and even more nausea.

She shakes her head and smiles softly. “It’s ok, sweetie. Everything is going to be ok.” She moves to sit on my bed and wraps her arms around me, stroking my hair slowly.

I shake my head, finding my voice once again. “How can everything be ok?  _I’m going to have a_ _baby_ _in a_   _war_! And Peeta…” I gasp as more tears roll from my eyes. “He’s trapped there and doesn’t know… He won’t ever know…” I’m trying to calm myself down but it’s not working out well.

"Shh… Don’t think like that. You will be fine. You and the baby will be just fine." She pulls back and runs her thumbs under my eyes to wipe away my tears.

"But Peeta won’t be… If he doesn’t come back, we’ll be…"  _We’ll be alone._  Peeta would have been happy, scared, but happy. And he may never get the opportunity to know.

"If he doesn’t come back, you will not be alone." The intensity with which my mother says this gives me almost as much a shock as the news I was just given did. "You have Prim and you have me, don’t forget that. We’re going to be with you through this whole thing." She watches me for a minute then adds, "And I really think Peeta will make it back to you." She drops her voice to a whisper, "He will be so happy, Katniss… You’ll be happy soon too."

I turn my gaze away from her and whisper, “But what if I can’t be happy about this…”

I pretend that I can’t see the way her smile has fallen when I look back at her.

For the next few days, I act like nothing has happened - that I wasn’t told that the one thing I never wanted would be here in nine months.

I’m released from the hospital after two days. I haven’t spoken to anyone other than my doctor since he told me I’m pregnant. I can’t really blame Gale for not coming back to see me, but it hurts all the same.

My mother told me that I would be excited about the baby soon, that I’m just in shock right now. I believe her about the shock, but I’m not quick to believe I’ll ever be happy about this. I never wanted to have kids and I definitely didn’t imagine I would be having one during a war.

I’ve been instructed to go to Command upon my release. I’m dreading having to face Plutarch who will be over the moon about this, Haymitch who will certainly have some sarcastic comment and Coin who will more than likely just stare at me like she does nearly every time we’re in the same room, as if she’s sizing me up.

I take a deep breath as I reach the door, preparing for the onslaught of excitement over the news, and push it open. To my surprise, Coin is the only one present.

She looks up from the papers spread in front of her when she hears the door and beckons me forward. I sit down across from her and wait. She stacks the papers neatly and then considers me for a moment before saying, “I’ve been informed of your condition and I want to discuss where we will go from here.” I nod and she continues, “You are in a very peculiar position. Children here are treated with very special care, yet you have an important duty to carry out.” She pauses again and I’m not sure if she wants me to respond. “I do not want to lose you as the Mockingjay. The propo you filmed in District 8 has given us a very big edge in this war and we need that and more to win.”

I feel like this is the most emotion the woman has even shown around me and I’m a little confused. “I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying…”

She sighs and folds her hands in front of her, reminding me immediately of the strict teachers from 12. “What I’m saying is, a typical woman with child would not be allowed in the field at all. But you are not a typical woman, are you? I want you to decide whether or not to continue your duties as the Mockingjay in light of your recent happy news.”

I frown. It doesn’t sound like a choice, and if I know anything about the woman sitting across from me, it’s that she will get what she wants at any cost. I don’t have to, but I ask the one question that means most to me, “If I say no, Peeta and the others won’t be safe, will they?”

Coin’s lips twist into the smallest of smirks. “I imagine not performing would negate any deals that we made. So, yes, the immunity granted to the Victors would be void at that point.”

"Then I want to continue." I can’t just abandon him, not now.

"Good." She stands and motions for me to do the same. "We will keep this to ourselves for now. Only people who need to will know and when the time comes that we can no longer hide it, we will decide what to do."

"Most of Panem thinks I’m pregnant anyway. Now you don’t have to think of a way out of that…" I feel suddenly protective of this baby, and it rubs me wrong that Coin speaks about it like it’s caused her some great inconvenience.

"Oh, I understand that. And I suppose we owe you a thanks for solving  _that_  problem, but now we’re presented with having to actually handle a pregnancy.” She walks to the door and I just stare after her. She turns back and says, “I am pleased you decided to continue as the Mockingjay, do not think me completely ungrateful.”

I stand there for a few minutes after she leaves. I can’t understand why this woman seems to hate me when I’m supposedly so important to her cause. I place a hand against my stomach almost reflexively as I leave the room.

Haymitch stands on the other side of the hall from Command, a small smile on his lips. “So, I hear we’re going to have a new member of the family soon.”

I can’t make my eyes meet his. Haymitch has become more to me than a drunken mentor - he’s done so much for Peeta and me that I think of him more like part of my family. I didn’t hear it in his voice, but I feel admitting this to Haymitch will make him disappointed in me.

I nod and look up at him. I’m surprised that there’s no trace of a smirk on his lips and he honestly looks - happy. He walks over to me and places his hands on my shoulders. “I’m happy for you, sweetheart. This won’t be easy, but if this all works out - The end result will be something bright in this hole.”

When I get back to the compartment, Prim is sitting at the table. Her face lights up when she sees me and I get the feeling she’s been waiting for me to get back all day. She jumps up and wraps me in a hug. I can’t help but smile and hold her tight to me.

Prim’s eyes are bright when she looks up at me and I know that she’s heard the news and is happy. She leads me over to the bed and sits us both down on the edge. She smiles, “When can you find out what it is?”

I try to keep my smile genuine and I hope she doesn’t notice if I fail. “I think in the next few months.”

"This is so exciting, Katniss."

I just continue to smile at her and I can’t find anything to say. I can’t say that I’m very excited about this, especially knowing that Coin views my baby as something that’s in the way of her path to power… I push those thoughts away and just try to focus on how I’m possibly going to hide this from everyone.

I spend most of my time with Prim. When she isn’t in class, she’s by my side. I like to think that I’m looking out for her, but I know deep down that she’s the one making sure  _I’m_  ok. She couldn’t be happier that she’s going to have a niece or nephew to take care of. She’s steered clear of asking me anything about it, but I know when she opens her mouth and quickly closes it, that she wants to know about my doctor visits or if I’ve thought of any names.

It’s been almost three weeks since I found out about the baby and I can already feel changes. I’m suddenly hungrier than usual and I can finally place a reason to why I’ve been tired all the time. I’ve been told to visit the doctor twice a week until further notice. Apparently, my body is under a lot of stress from being thrown into an arena and then kept here trapped with the rebellion, worrying about Peeta. I had to force myself not to roll my eyes when the doctor shared that piece of  _vital information._

_I would have never guessed…_

I’m waiting outside of the doctor’s office when Finnick sits down beside me. He’s been wandering around here for a few weeks and I can’t help but feel bad for him. He’s so broken now. I can only hope he finds Annie one day.

Today, however, he seems to be more of his old self. He grins at me, one that the old FInnick would have given me. “Well, Ms. Everdeen… What brings you here?”

I shrug. “I have to see the doctor. Make sure I’m not going even more crazy stuck down here.”

He laughs a little. “I could probably give you an accurate answer if you like.”

I smile. “No thanks, Finn.” I feel my face heat as my stomach rumbles loudly and Finnick raises an eyebrow. “I guess I missed lunch today.” I’m sure my smile has faltered; I was never the one good at lying…

He opens his mouth to say something, but at that moment my doctor opens the door and calls me in.

Dr. Vaughn has proven to be the nicest doctor in 13. He told me that he would be the one with me throughout the whole process and even after the baby is born. The examinations are awkward, but at least it goes by quickly.

Dr. Vaughn smiles as he sits down in a chair across from the examination table I’m currently sitting on. He looks at something on my clipboard then looks up at me. “Everything seems to be on track, Katniss. I think we can just see each other once a month until you’re about 28 weeks along.”

I nod.

"Now, I’ve been told that you are going to continue to work for President Coin as the Mockingjay. That will add some stress to you, but as long as you stay out of the field, everything should be fine. While I don’t necessarily recommend this, I don’t see any potential damage that could be done."

I nod.

He looks at me for a moment. “Have you told anyone outside of your family?” I shake my head and he frowns. “Why?”

I look down at my hands. Saying what I really feel will make me seem cruel and for some reason, I don’t want this man to see how truly horrible I can be. “Honestly?” I sigh and look back up at him. “Because I keep wondering when I’m going to wake up and this not be true.”

He doesn’t look shocked or angry, no; he just gives me a sympathetic look and leans forward in his chair. “It’s not uncommon to think that, Katniss. And I can imagine, being in this situation isn’t ideal.” For a minute, he just watches me. Seeming to decide on something, he stands and walks over to me. When he speaks, his voice is low and hurried, “Do you want to have this baby, Katniss?”

I’m taken aback by the question. Having an option has never been presented to me and I’m confused.  _Do I have an option?_  I frown and think about just not having it. I suppose there would be ways to get rid of an unwanted baby. But do I want to do that? I’ve never wanted to have kids before and maybe in a different place with a different person… But the thought of actually getting rid of this baby,  _Peeta’s baby_ … The image of his blue eyes on a tiny baby comes to my mind and I can’t help but smile. I know then that I do want to go through with this.

I whisper, “I do… I’m just scared beyond belief…” I laugh a little. Facing the Hunger Games twice didn’t make me feel so frightened, but this tiny thing growing inside me has brought me near crippling fear.

Dr. Vaughn smiles. “That’s very normal.” He goes back to the desk where my paperwork lies and turns to me. “I’ll see you next month, Katniss. Keep taking your vitamins and staying healthy, ok?”

I nod. “Ok.”

I get dressed and feel a little better as I’m leaving. I’m focused on finding something to eat when I run directly into Finnick outside the hospital wing.

He smirks and places his hands on my shoulder to steady me. “Might want to watch where you’re going, Everdeen.”

I roll my eyes. “Sorry. In a hurry I guess.”

"Off to see Mr. Tall, dark and moody?" He falls into step with me.

I sigh and roll my eyes. “No. He’s been busy lately, so I haven’t seen him in a while.”

Finnick nods. “I see. But I don’t believe that, Katniss. I think something else is going on… I’ve never seen someone with  _that_  much angst. Did you deny him?” He waggles his eyebrows up and down and I glare at him.

I know my face flushes, but I try to cover it up. “Shut up. That’s not what is going on.”

He steps in front of me, blocking my way through the exit of the hospital. His face is serious when he says, “Then tell me what it is. You’ve been acting strange for weeks and now it looks like the mood is spreading.”

I shake my head. “I don’t want to talk about it, Finnick.”

He frowns. “You can trust me, you know.”

"I know. Believe me, I want to tell someone… I’m just not sure how." I stare at him for a few minutes. Maybe telling Finnick wouldn’t be so bad. If I tell someone on my own, maybe it will feel less suffocating than walking around with this secret all the time. It won’t be a secret forever anyway…

"It can’t be that bad really, Katniss."

He opens his mouth to say something else but I cut across him and say, “I’m pregnant.”

The look he gives me would be comical if I wasn’t so nervous about saying it out loud for the first time. He just stares at me, his mouth still open, and then a smile breaks across his lips. “What did you say?”

I sigh and cross my arms. “I’m pregnant, Finnick.” His smile widens and he pulls me into a hug.

"Wow, Katniss." He laughs a little. "I guess that’s why Gale has been so upset lately?" I nod and Finnick shakes his head, still laughing softly. "It’s Peeta’s baby, isn’t it?"

"Yes, it’s Peeta’s. It’s not like that with Gale." My cheeks go red, the pregnancy leaves no doubt as to what happened, but saying it is still strange.

"It’s not like what? You mean you don’t jump into bed with all of your friends? Damn." He lowers his head in mock sadness.

I narrow my eyes but can’t keep the smile off my face. “No, Finn. I’m terribly sorry, but you’ll have to wait about nine months.”

He laughs and puts an arm around my shoulder. “I’ll be sure to get in line.”

I eat dinner with Finnick that night. He’s feeling better and it feels good to laugh about something every now and then. He’s still staying in the hospital because of his episodes, so we both take dinner in his room. When we finish, I curl myself in the chair next to his bed and wait for the propos to air. Fulvia and the camera crew have been hard at work making new pieces that they’re going live tonight and we’ve been instructed to watch them.

_Sometimes it feels like the Capitol, even here._

The pieces are wonderfully made and will definitely have the impact they want them to have, but by the time the last one is aired, I can’t image having to watch another one. The screen goes dark and Finnick raises the remote to turn off the television when Caesar Flickerman’s show starts. I gasp when I see Peeta sitting on the stage with him.

"Stop!" I grab Finnick’s wrist and pull it down. Peeta looks so different from the first time I saw him. He’s much thinner now and the makeup doesn’t quite cover the purple under his eyes. "Peeta…" Finnick takes my hand in his and I try to blink back tears.

"Peeta, I know that this has been an especially hard night for you, but, please, tell us what you’re feeling right now upon learning of Katniss’ death."

My eyes widen and I look at Finnick. “My what?” He shakes his head and turns back to the television.

Peeta is clearly shaken and I can tell he’s spent most of the day crying when he speaks, “I don’t know what to say anymore, Caesar. I thought she would be safe.”

Caesar nods and honestly looks a little sad himself. “We all regret the death of Katniss Everdeen…” He gives Peeta a moment to compose himself before asking, “Is there anything you’d like to say to the rebels on behalf of Katniss?”

Peeta takes a deep breath. “I just want them to know that Katniss’ death was… No one will forget what’s happened. You’ve had a hand in the death of the most…” He closes his eyes and won’t say anything else.

The screen fades out and Finnick quickly shuts off the television. He looks serious when he turns back to me, “We did not see that.”

I frown, “What?”

I can hear people coming toward the room and Finnick says again, “We didn’t see it. We turned it off after the propos because you were upset.”

His voice is so determined that I can’t argue with him and just nod. When Plutarch bursts into the room, Finnick makes quick to praise the propos on their beauty and how they even made the Mockingjay uneasy. I smile and nod, unable to think of anything to add that wouldn’t come out sounding like a complete lie. Plutarch is visibly relieved when Finnick adds that we had to turn the television off directly after the propos, “Because of her delicate state you see” and doesn’t say much else before leaving the room.

I look back at Finnick as the door shuts and I’m sure he can read my face; how can I trust anyone here when, clearly, this will be kept from me?

I get my answer the next day when no one acts as if Peeta was on television last night and that he was in such poor health. I do everything I can to be around someone that would know about this, but it doesn’t help. No one seems to want to mention Peeta, at least not in front of me.

I visit Finnick in the hospital and I decide to take him outside with me. Dr. Vaughn really pushed for me to be able to continue to go outside. Plutarch felt it could be too dangerous for me now, but thankfully they listened to him.

The moment the fresh air hits him Finnick relaxes. I hadn’t noticed how tense he was, and I’m suddenly very glad I asked him to come with me today. Gale and I will typically hunt, but today I just want to be able to breathe properly. We walk for a while then ditch our communicators under a pile of leaves and continue without the fear of being spied on.

We find a clearing and sit against the trunk of a rather large tree. Finnick turns to face me. “Has anyone said anything to you?”

I shake my head. “What about you?”

He frowns. “No, but I thought someone would seek you out - considering.”

I take a deep breath and nod. “I know. I thought the same thing. They must not want me to know what he said… Or how terrible he looks.”

Finnick gives me a sad smile. “He’ll be fine, Katniss… He can survive this.”

I whisper, “I hope so… I don’t understand how they’re keeping him in the dark…”

Finnick shakes his head. “I have no idea.”

We sit in silence for a while and it’s nice to just be away from the stale air and artificial lighting that is 13. I wish we could just stay out here and not have to face the bleak reality underground. Unfortunately, we have to go back eventually.

When we reach the entrance to 13, I immediately start to feel sick. I leave Finnick and head to my quarters to lie down when I see him. Gale stands against the door to my room, a deep frown on his face. I haven’t seen him in three weeks. He did a wonderful job of keeping busy enough to constantly avoid me.

I stop a few feet in front of him and try to give him a smile. “Hi, Gale…” Suddenly, I realized I’ve missed him more than I thought. I kept myself busy with filming and other nonsense that I managed not to think about him at all.

He doesn’t smile at me, just stares. His voice is quiet and measured when he finally says, “I’m sorry for avoiding you.”

I shake my head, “It’s ok. I kind of understood…”

His eyes narrow slightly. “You understood?” He lets out a harsh laugh. “There’s no way you could understand how I feel right now, Katniss.”

I frown. Really? I can’t understand how it feels to be told you’re pregnant and have your world turned completely upside-down? I don’t say that though, I manage to keep all the sarcasm out of my voice when I say, “Then explain it.”

I can tell he’s mad. He’s probably been mad for the past three weeks. And when I let myself really think about it, I’ve been mad this whole time too. He abandoned me because of this and it’s ridiculous, but I don’t want to fight with him over it. It won’t change anything.

He takes a deep breath and glares at me. “I don’t know, Katniss… Maybe I’m upset because you led me to believe all of that with Peeta wasn’t real and that we actually had a chance.”

I can’t hold his gaze. “Gale…”

He shakes his head. “No. I don’t want to hear it right now. I want to tell you how much it hurt to be standing there, after I took a bullet for  _you_ , and hear that you’re having  _his_  baby… I thought he was lying during that interview. If this was true, was everything else?”

My voice is louder than I expected it to be when I say, “Stop it, Gale! He didn’t know about this… He’ll probably never see his baby! He’s trapped in a prison and doesn’t even know we’re here waiting for him!” I can feel my anger reaching an unusually high point and I can’t stop myself before I hiss, “He thinks I’m dead!”

Gale’s eyes widen. “What do you know?”

I laugh coldly, unable to control myself anymore. “I saw the interview last night, Gale! And  _no one_  has bothered to tell me about it!” I can feel my heart starting to beat faster and I try to steady my breathing.

He sighs heavily and I can’t believe he’s acting more upset about this than everyone lying to me. “They didn’t think you needed to know about it. Obviously, it’s done nothing but upset you.”

"That doesn’t matter, I still deserved to know.  _I’m having his baby_!” I don’t shy away from him as I throw his own words back at him, and brace myself for the harsh words he undoubtedly wants to say, but they never come. Instead, he just shakes his head and walks away.


	4. Whiplash Part I

"This won’t last forever, you know…" I look up from my place on the hovercraft and see Haymitch staring at me. I’ve been quiet the entire time we’ve been on board. Honestly, I’ve been silent for days. He tilts his head slightly. "Soon, we’ll find our way out. Always do…"

I sigh and turn away from him. He has no idea what he’s talking about. I see nothing but darkness, no matter where I look. It’s been over a month since Peeta’s interview and the revelation that he believes me dead. They can’t look at me now, the leaders of this rebellion. I think they know how much I’ve come to hate them.

He clears his throat loudly and I stubbornly continue to stare out the window. When he speaks, I know he’s bothered by my silence. “You’ll have to actually open your mouth when we land, sweetheart. No more of this silence when the cameras are on.”

My eyes narrow and I whisper, “They’ll get what they want.” I turn back to him. “But I’ve been done with this for a month. I’m here for  _him_.” I shake my head and my voice comes out as a low whisper, “Not to do anything else for these people who’ve kept me trapped…”

He watches me for a few minutes then sighs heavily as he stands and walks to where I know Cressida and the film crew are preparing the cameras.

I’m not sure what I was expecting, stepping off the hovercraft, but seeing it all again brings back a sick feeling that creeps up my throat, threatening to make an appearance. I close my eyes against the bright sun and try to take deep breaths without choking on the taste of ash.

The day is long and unnaturally hot for October, but that may just be because I hate being back here. The first time was terrible, and this is no better. Standing in the destroyed remains of my home in the Seam, it’s nearly impossible for me to come up with words to describe the place I grew up -

Cressida is kind enough to forgive me the task of speaking now, but doesn’t give Gale that same courtesy when we reach his house. He’s made to reenact the night of the bombing and how he managed to save the people he did. I watch as he shows the trail he made through the Seam and through the hole in the fence we’ve crawled through more times than either of us could count.

I can’t breathe properly when we reach the main part of town and I see the burnt and broken shell of the Mellark family bakery. I stand, staring, at the sign bearing the name that now lies on the ground. The sight hurts more than I expected it to. Seeing this just solidifies that there’s really nothing left of Peeta’s family. Most of the people in the town didn’t make it out after the bombing and I shouldn’t be surprised to find that this family, more than any others, were among those lost. I close my eyes and can almost picture the tall tree that I sat under the first time I ever really saw Peeta Mellark.  _Stop it… Don’t think of the past now. Right now forward is the only way to go._

"Katniss…" Cressida’s voice somehow manages to reach my ears over the loud pounding in my head and I turn to her. "It would be great for the propo if you said something here. Maybe say something to Peeta?"

I nod and she smiles as I turn to fully face the cameras. My appearance hasn’t greatly changed, and that’s good because the one thing I’ve been warned against talking about today is the baby. I shake my head slightly, remembering the stern look Plutarch gave me earlier - I almost thought he was going to wag his finger in my face -

“ _We don’t want the government officials in the Capitol knowing about this just yet. Sources close to Snow tell us that he believes the pregnancy was a lie to garner sympathy and sponsors in the Games… We cannot let him use you against Peeta.”_

Cressida nods when the cameras begin rolling and I take in a breath. “This is where the Mellark Bakery stood. There’s - nothing left.” I frown. “Peeta, if you can see this, please know that I  _am_  alive.” I resist the urge to cross my arms over my waist or curl my fingers into the ends of my jacket and continue, “We’re waiting for you, Peeta. We are waiting for you to come home.” My voice cracks on the last sentence and I know I won’t be able to go on.

I find myself standing in the living room of my Victor’s Village house before I even realize my feet had led me there. I look around the large room - Everything looks exactly the same as it did the day before the Reaping.

Nothing in the Village has changed really… The rest of the District is grey and even bleaker than before but this place seems positively vibrant. I run my hand along the back of our couch and walk toward the window that has a view of Peeta’s house. I close my eyes and place my hand against the glass.

The image of Peeta’s blue eyes hovering above my own comes to my mind and I smile. I open my eyes and stare at his empty house. My hand drops to my side and a frown immediately takes over my features.  _You’ll never come home._  There’s a part of me that secretly hopes he dies there, that he doesn’t have to suffer any more than he already has - the terrified part that doesn’t want to face him when he comes back because I really don’t know what will happen. I don’t want to see the damage that’s been done to him because he wasn’t lucky enough to be  _needed_. The coward in me doesn’t want to face a reality where Peeta blames me for his suffering.

I turn slightly when I hear the door open. My face remains blank when I see Gale step into the house. He’s taken every measure he can to stay away from me for a month. Yes, we’ve spoken, but the words are always forced and our voices lack any emotion.

When he stops in front of me, I can’t help but be a little nervous. His eyes give nothing away as he looks at me. After several long minutes, he sighs softly. “I’m sorry, Catnip.”

I let out a breath and I feel relief for the first time in a month. “It’s fine, Gale.” He opens his mouth to say something and I just shake my head. “I wasn’t planning on this, and you should know that better than anyone…”

"I do. I was just shocked."

A short laugh escapes me. “Me too.” He smiles and it makes me feel a little better. “I can’t pretend this isn’t real, but I want you with me.” I can tell that I’m about to start crying and I just move forward and wrap my arms tightly around him.

We’re both quiet for a while, just standing with our arms wrapped around each other. I’m glad that he’s here, that it seems as though he does care about me. Of everyone who is in 13, Gale is the one person, other than my family, that I know will stand by my side no matter what. I can’t say I understand what he really felt when he found out about the baby, but I’m sure if I were in his shoes, I would have reacted worse. I doubt I would have been able to forgive if I had admitted my love for someone, gotten shot to protect them and then found out they’re having a baby with someone else - someone I can’t stand.

I pull away when there’s a knock on the door and Cressida pops her head in to tell us we need to be ready to leave in fifteen minutes. I start to move to the door, but I look back when I realize Gale isn’t following me. He’s standing at the door to the kitchen and I raise an eyebrow when he looks back at me.

He just looks at me for a minute. “You love him, don’t you?”

"Gale…"

He shakes his head and fixes me with a steady stare. “I just want to know. I… I need to really know. There have been too many lies to even attempt to see the truth in this situation…” I give him a look and he rubs at his forehead. “I get  _what_  happened, but is it real for you?”

I stare at him. Why is it so hard to say to him? Why can’t I admit that I have fallen in love with someone else? I know everyone thought that, in the end, it would be Gale that I was with. I would marry him and perhaps start a family, and live happily that way for as long as we could. Nothing ever really happens the way it  _seems_  it will. The Hunger Games changes everything about a person, and when they come out, the world looks completely different. I went in as Katniss Everdeen, a girl from the Seam trying to survive and trying desperately to feed her family - I came out a girl who suddenly depended greatly on the comfort of a boy who no one thought was important. Somewhere in this mess that my life has become, I fell in love with that boy, leaving behind the person who was waiting for me to come home…

I smile softly and Gale can’t hide the sadness in his eyes. “I do love him.”

Command has more people than I ever thought could fit in the room when Haymitch drags me through the door. President Snow is supposed to be airing a special announcement tonight and Beetee thinks he’s finally going to be able to break through to the Capitol security and air our propos in the city. Everyone has high hopes for tonight, and my presence has been demanded.

The television flickers to life and shows a close up of Snow himself. He speaks for several minutes about the state of Panem and how the warring Districts need to open their eyes to what’s really going on and realize their mistakes by turning against the Capitol. He frowns. “We have seen what comes of this, and I have no doubt that the consequences will be grave if this continues.”

He makes a gesture to his right, the camera pans out and I see him - I can’t stop the gasp from leaving my lips when I see how terrible he looks. “No…” He’s too thin, and the makeup they’ve put on him cannot hide the deep purple rings under his eyes. I swallow hard, trying not to be sick or start crying. They’ve tried to make him look presentable for this, but I know there’s been a struggle and Peeta is still recovering from it. I can’t focus on anything he’s saying except to take in the sound of his voice. It seems steady, but he can easily hide his emotions. I realize how much my hands are shaking when Finnick sits down beside me and takes my hand in his. I look up at him and he tries to smile.

My eyes snap back to the screen when Plutarch announces. “He should be trying to break through any minute.”

Almost as if Beetee heard his words, static comes across the screen and suddenly, my image is flashed on the television. I can tell they’ve seen it by the way Peeta’s eyes have widened in confusion. He looks around, clearly trying to figure out what to do now. Another breakthrough, longer this time, of me standing in front of the Mellark Bakery saying,  _"We’re waiting for you, Peeta…"_  I can feel tears stinging at my eyes when his mouth opens slightly and his brow furrows. He audibly whispers my name and then shakes his head.

Snow clears his throat loudly and walks onto the screen. “It appears as though we’re getting interference. Mr. Mellark, please continue with the closing statements.”

Peeta takes several deep breaths, but can’t seem to make himself continue with the lines provided by the Capitol. His hands clench and unclench and then he looks directly into the camera - it feels as though he’s looking right at me, and my breath catches. He whispers, “You’re alive…” Finnick squeezes my hand and I can’t help but let my body shake with the sobs it wants so desperately to release. Suddenly, he starts to shake and his eyes darken… “I don’t…” He looks to the side and I’m sure someone is there telling him not to continue. “If she’s alive then…” He shakes his head again and when he looks back at the cameras, there are tears in his eyes as he whispers, “You’ll be dead by morning.” He barely gets the words out when Snow shouts something and the camera turns away, but not before I can see Peeta hitting the floor, blood trickling from the side of his mouth.

The room is chaos as the meaning of Peeta’s words is deciphered. I can’t bring myself to pay attention to anything, Peeta’s unconscious form appears in front of me when I shut my eyes. I hold tight to Finnick’s hand but can’t look at him. I know he’ll be as shocked as I feel and the sight will make me feel even more sick.

Haymitch’s rough voice cuts through to me. “It doesn’t matter  _how_  he knows, what matters is he’s sent a clear warning to us. There is going to be an attack tonight.”

We’re herded even further underground than I thought was possible to go - I can’t take in anything except how I hate being trapped down here when we reach a huge room with metal doors that will eventually lock us in here. I take in deep breaths and try to keep myself calm - I do not need to break down right now, not when I’m about to be kept in a place with every single citizen of District 13.

Once everyone is settled, there’s nothing to do. I just sit on the floor of the space assigned to the Everdeens and stare straight ahead. People pass and give me strange looks but I can’t even pretend to care about it. They already think I’m crazy, but none of them understand what it’s like to be living to see the boy that they love tortured for information he doesn’t have - tortured because of choice you’ve made. I close my eyes and lean my head back against the concrete wall our bunks have been carved into, willing myself not to get sick down here.

It’s a while before my mother and Prim make there way to the bunker, and almost the minute they do, mother is beckoned to where the hospital patients are being kept. Prim stays with me. She watches me for a few minutes before I turn to her. She tries to smile when she says, “It’ll be ok.”

When the first bomb falls, it sends shockwaves through my entire body and I cringe at the feeling. The lights shut off and it’s a few minutes before the generators turn on.

The attack lasts for days. It isn’t steady nor does it have a pattern, so when I finally think it’s over another bomb falls. The third night we’re down here, I make my way to Finnick’s space. He sits alone, twisting a piece of rope into intricate knots. I sigh as I sit down on the floor next to him and he frowns at me. I whisper, “What are they doing to him?”

He looks off and shakes his head. “I don’t know, Katniss…”

My shoulders fall slightly. I knew Finnick would have no idea what’s really going on while Peeta is trapped, but I had hoped he could give me some amount of comfort. I’m quiet for a while before finally asking, “Why are they doing this? He doesn’t know anything… He didn’t do anything.”

Finnick’s eyes meet mine and he looks serious as he says, “You haven’t figured it out yet?” I shake my head. He just watches me for a few minutes, silently telling me he doesn’t want to be the one to say this to me. I don’t drop his gaze and he eventually relents. “They’re using him to get to you. You once told me that you love him… they know that.”

"How?"

He smiles gently. “Anyone watching the Quell could tell that you weren’t acting when he hit that force field.” I look down at my hands. I knew then I had acted foolishly. Of course we were supposed to be in love for the Games, but in that moment I truly exposed my heart. “Whatever you do, they’ll take it out on Peeta. Especially now… But, Katniss… don’t let them break you. You have to stay strong for both Peeta and your baby. Breaking now…” His voice trails off and I close my eyes, letting a tear roll down my cheek.

"I hate this… We’re in this war and, really, what good is it doing anyone?" I look back up at Finnick and he’s smiling sadly.

He shrugs. “War was always here… even before we were, it waited for us.”

The bunker seems so much smaller after what Finnick told me, and I’m even more restless than I had been. We’re in here for an entire week, and I hate every minute of it. When we’re finally able to leave, even the stark white walls of District 13 are more than welcome.

Most of the top levels have been destroyed, and we’re guided to a new room that will be used as Command. The tension is almost tangible as we walk through door and I can see the first real emotion on Coin’s face as she studies a map of damage done to her District.

Cressida looks up from the map. “We’re going up to film. We want everyone to know they did not destroy us.”

Almost an hour later, I’m standing in front of what used to be the Hall of Justice waiting for my cue. I stare at my feet, trying not to think about what Snow may do to Peeta after they air this.

Cressida calls my attention back to the camera and a moment later, the red light is lit and I’m just staring at it. I take a deep breath. “I want the citizens of Panem to know that we are still here. The Capitol tried to get rid of us, but they couldn’t.” I pause. “We’re surviving, and I’m… And I’m…” I bite my lip and can’t continue. Tears are rolling down my cheeks before I can stop them.

Cressida quietly calls, “Cut” and I fall to my knees, unable to stand any longer. I can’t give them anything else to hurt him with. How am I supposed to keep going as the Mockingjay knowing that anything I may say will cause damage to Peeta? I feel a flutter in my stomach and take in a deep breath. My mother has told me it’s probably the baby moving - Of course it would move in a moment I’m thinking about Peeta. The whole thing just makes me cry harder and I’ve reached the point where it will be almost impossible to just make myself stop.

Plutarch’s loud whisper reaches my ears. “What’s wrong with her?”

“She knows how they’re using Peeta,” Finnick says with sadness in his voice.

There’s a collective groan that I would roll my eyes at were I not so distraught. Many people come to me and wrap their arms around me, trying to bring some comfort to this crying mess of their Mockingjay but I only want one person - Haymitch. I reach out for him and I’m glad when he sits next to me and curls an arm around my shoulders.

He pulls me against his side and whispers, “It’s ok. It’s all going to be ok, sweetheart.”

I shake my head and stare up at him. “No it isn’t. They’re going to kill him… I’m the Mockingjay… They’ll kill him.”

I start crying hysterically. The mix of hormones and being kept underground for so long is causing me to have no control over my emotions. I can hear commotion around me for a minute and then suddenly, everything goes dark.

When I come to, I’m in a hospital bed. I sigh and sit up to be greeted by the sight of Haymitch sitting in a chair next to me. He looks serious when he says, “They’re going after him.”

My heart speeds up. “What?”

He nods. “They’re going to get Peeta and the others out of the Capitol.”

"When are they leaving? I have to go with them…" I try to move out of the bed but Haymitch stops me from getting up.

"They’ve already left, sweetheart. You wouldn’t have been going with them anyway." My mouth drops open in protest and he adds, "Not with a baby on the way."

I roll my eyes. “Who went?”

He shrugs. “Boggs and a few others. They’re a good team.” My eyes narrow and I don’t have to ask him again. He sighs. “You know who the first person to volunteer was.”

I take a deep breath and close my eyes… I could lose both of them.

The rescue mission takes a full day and I do not sleep at all. I spent the entire time pacing the hospital wing or trying to get into Command. After being removed from the busy room a third time, I take refuge in the hummingbird room. Finnick joins me after a while and we sit tying knot after knot in complete silence.

We could both face the end of the people we love today.

When Haymitch shows up hours later, his face is completely blank. “They’re back.” I open my mouth to ask one of the many questions that crowd my mind but he just holds up a hand. “I don’t know anything except they want you both up in the hospital wing.”

I’m breathing heavily as I follow Haymitch through the many halls of the hospital wing. I haven’t fully accepted that Peeta will actually be here. We stop outside of what I assume is his room and Haymitch turns to me.

His face is serious and he places his hands on my shoulders. “Don’t tell him about the baby just yet.”

My brow furrows. “Why not?”

Haymitch frowns. “Just don’t right now, sweetheart. See how he reacts to seeing you first, ok?”

I nod.  _What could this mean?_  A hundred different scenarios go through my mind as Haymitch pulls me in front of the door to Peeta’s room. He gives me a little push and I open the door.

My breath catches when I see him. He’s too skinny and I can tell he’s in a lot of pain. His hair is disheveled and his skin is too pale. “Peeta…”

My feet are carrying me toward him before I can think about it. He hasn’t looked up from the nurse taking his blood before I’m next to him. I place my hand on his shoulder and he tenses.

"It’s me, Peeta…" He turns to me and there’s happiness on his face, but it is quickly replaced with confusion.

He whispers, “Katniss?”

I nod and can’t help when a smile comes across my lips. “It’s me.”

He stares at me for a minute then stands up. We just look at the other for a few minutes. He’s looking over every inch of me and it makes me a little uncomfortable. His gaze is so different now… There’s something in there that I quite place, but it scares me. I realize that he’s shaking a moment before his hands wrap around my throat. I gasp and our eyes lock. I can see fear in his. I try to get his hands off my neck but he does have some of his former strength.

"Peeta…"

His fingers tighten and I feel like I’m going to pass out when someone manages to get him off me. I stumble back and my hands automatically go up to my throat. My eyes widen when Peeta starts yelling, “That’s not her! What have you done with her?”

Haymitch comes into the room and grabs my arm. “No!” I try to shake his grip but he just tightens it and pulls me from the room. I can still hear Peeta yelling even after the door closes. Haymitch doesn’t look back as he pulls me down the hall, but I can’t keep my eyes off the door to Peeta’s room.


	5. Whiplash Part II

There are some things the mind just won’t allow you to forget, some things that cling to you tighter than you’d like. Peeta’s blue eyes, widened in absolute fear when his gaze locked with mine, the hurt and anger in his voice when he yelled… I don’t think I will ever be able to forget that.

I stare up at the ceiling from my hospital bed, trying desperately not to think about the boy on the farthest side of the medical ward from me as possible.  _"For safety reasons, of course."_  I’ve been told not to speak to anyone for now so they can assess the damage that’s been done to my throat, they fear speaking could cause even more.

About twenty minutes after the attack and I was admitted to the ward, Haymitch ushered Prim through the door to my room. She’s been by my side for the last three hours, a warm companion throughout the tests they’ve done. Now, she sits in a chair next to my bed, quietly stroking her fingers down my arm - acting more like the older sister I’m supposed to be.  _I don’t know when I became so weak…_  I let out a muffled sigh and turn to look at her, trying to tell her without words that I’m glad she’s here with me.

She just smiles at me and whispers, “It’s going to be ok.”

I can’t even try to smile or act like the words bring me comfort. Everything  _will not_  be ok, and she must know that deep down. I’ve been wishing more than ever that Peeta just hadn’t come back… I hate myself for it, but seeing him in this condition makes me sick. And at least when he was in the Capitol, I wasn’t aware of how much he’s grown to hate me.

"You know this isn’t his fault." Prim’s voice is incredibly quiet and I have to strain my ears to hear her, but maybe that is her intention. I turn my face back toward the ceiling and she continues, "They’ll find a way to bring him back from this."

If I could, I would scoff. I would tell her that Peeta Mellark would  _never_  hurt me like that, no matter what had happened to him. Something deeper than Capitol influence has happened to him and I have no hope that he’ll come back to me.

We sit in silence for a while before my door opens and several doctors, including Dr. Vaughn, walk in, closely followed by Plutarch and Haymitch. I sit up so I can see all of them properly and just wait for the talk to begin. I’ve been wondering when I would have to face the, “It isn’t as bad as it seems” look from Plutarch, his voice will surely be full of hope that I’m not facing another mental spiral that will damage their rebellion.

One of the doctors that I recognize from Peeta’s room speaks first. “Hello, Katniss. I’m Dr. Leisy and this is my associate, Dr. Pierce. I’m sure you’ve been wondering what’s happened to Peeta.” I don’t speak, I can’t speak and he continues after a moment’s pause, “It appears that he has suffered a rare form of torture typically referred to as ‘hijacking.’”

I raise an eyebrow, clearly asking for more explanation. Dr. Pierce answers, “Hijacking is a relatively new occurrence where the subject has been injected with the venom of a tracker jacker and certain memories warped. We believe that memories of you, Katniss, were used against him and turned into something he’s meant to fear.” He pauses. I can’t quite tell what the look that passes between him and the other doctor is, but it cannot be something good. He clears his throat a bit, “However, I fear that they may have taken this a bit farther than a ‘typical hijacking.’ There is a rather rare phenomenon called delusional misidentification, which causes someone to believe people they know have been replaced with imposters. In Peeta’s case, he seems to believe that only you’ve has been replaced.”

My eyes widen and I try to take in every bit of information he’s just given me. Peeta doesn’t recognize me? How is this even possible? I look over at Prim and she looks shocked as well, though I know she’s trying to hide it. Our eyes meet and I know she understands what I need her to ask. “Can it be reversed? Will he go back to normal?”

Dr. Leisy speaks again, “There are very few reports of survivors of hijacking in general, and this result from the torture has never been recorded before. We are going to be trying everything we can to help him.”

His voice is careful and I hate it. I turn to Haymitch, the person I can trust to give me a real answer. He frowns and shakes his head slightly. “There’s a chance that he’ll come back, sweetheart. But he may not.”

I feel that burning in my throat that means tears are on their way whether I want them or not and I drop my gaze to my hands. I don’t look up when one of the doctors starts speaking, “The venom levels are not very high in his system right now, which is a good thing. He may not be as volatile when it has been completely flushed from his bloodstream.” He pauses for a moment, perhaps hoping that I’ll look up at him, be suddenly happy that Peeta  _might not_  attack me later. “The fact that he is alive right now is miracle enough for what he’s been through.”

My eyes narrow as they slowly meet his and, even though I’m not supposed to, I whisper, “This is not a miracle.”

Everyone leaves me alone after that. Even Haymitch suggests that Prim find my mother and see if she can help her with something, anything. He, at least, understands that I need to be alone right now. This news has hit me harder than I expected it to. I don’t know what I thought I was going to hear from the doctors but this certainly was not it. I bite back tears, forcing myself not to act like he is dead even if it feels that way.

I settle back against my pillows. It doesn’t take long before I feel sleep creeping up on me. I’m utterly exhausted. For the past few days, weeks, I’ve done nothing but worry and stress about the bombing, about Peeta’s health, about the rescue mission and now Peeta’s obvious mental damage.

“ _Peeta?” My voice is a whisper as I trail my fingers across his cheek, checking to see if he’s awake or if he actually managed to get some sleep last night. He doesn’t stir and I smile softly. It isn’t until I glance at the window and see dusty light filtering through the curtains that I know for sure today is the day. Today, we go back into the arena._

_I turn on my side, looking anywhere but that window and tell myself I must remain as calm as possible. A warm arm wraps around my waist and pulls me until I’m lying on my back, looking up into Peeta’s eyes._

_I try to smile and whisper, “Hi.”_

_He smiles back and traces my jaw softly before asking, “Did you sleep at all?”_

_I shrug. “Some…”_

_He pulls me close, wrapping both his arms tight around me. I smile as I listen to his heartbeat, the steadiness of it calms me more than I think he even knows. We don’t speak, but I feel as though there is something left to say. Last night, we whispered soft simple things to each other and that felt right. Now, I just feel like I’m forgetting to tell him something. He slowly rubs circles on my back and I suddenly just wish time could stop here. I frown as I remember his words on the roof…_ I would choose this moment, Peeta…

_Movement in the hall causes me to look up at him again. He’s frowning and we both know the prep team will be here any minute to prepare us for the games. I feel a sudden panic and I need to just open my mouth and say the words - I’ve done this before, why can’t I now? Our eyes meet and I see then, that the words aren’t what we need. He knows, and I know…_

_We both lean forward and our lips meet. A goodbye kiss is always the most bitter, and ours is no different. This will be the last kiss we share in private, the last one that is honest and real. When he pulls back and rests his forehead against mine, I open my mouth to try and tell him to be happy after - to live a good life but the words won’t come._

_He smiles like he knew what I was trying to say and shakes his head. “We won’t say goodbye. Not when we leave here, and not in the arena if it comes time… Agreed?”_

_I can see the tears forming in his eyes and I whisper, “Agreed.”_

My eyes open and there are dried tears on my cheeks. I take a deep breath and find myself wishing more than anything that I had said goodbye to Peeta that morning. If I had known this is where we would be, I would have fought the spell those blue eyes seem to put me under and gone against his request. Right now I want more than a kiss that was four months ago…

My hand automatically clenches over my stomach when I hear the door open. I relax a little when I recognize Gale walking into the room. He slowly walks to my bed and stands for a few minutes before pulling a chair to the side of it.

His eyes lock with mine and he smiles slightly. “Hey, Catnip…”

I give him a small smile, all that I can manage. He’s quiet and just searches my face for a while. His frown is deep as he stares at the bruises along my neck. I can tell they’re making him angry. He risked his life to bring back the boy who did this to me. I can't look at him anymore, his eyes give away his thoughts every time.

He leans forward and whispers, “Go to sleep, it’s going to be ok…”

I let my eyes drift shut again, hoping that I’m not visited by memories of Peeta. It isn’t long after, but Gale must think I’m asleep when he leans forward and softly presses his lips to my forehead. He stays by my bed the entire night.

The next day, Dr. Vaughn visits me. I’m alone and sitting up in my bed when he walks in and smiles at me. It has been determined that speaking won’t do any harm to my throat and I have been encouraged to start talking again, but I refuse. Dr. Vaughn sits down in the same chair that was occupied by Gale earlier and rifles through pages on a clipboard. I assume they’re about me. “The tests we ran yesterday came back good. Both you and the baby are doing just fine.”

I nod.

He smile falls a little and I’m sure he’s thinking back to our first visits when all I would do was nod and show little interest in the baby. “We know the sex now, do you want me to tell you?”

I bite my lip. Do I want to know? Could I stand to know more about this constant reminder that Peeta loved me once, but now can’t be in the same room with me? Do I even care about the baby anymore? Before, when Peeta was trapped, the baby seemed like a bright spot in the darkness. I had finally begun to feel something other than terror at the thought of this life growing inside me, but now?

I close my eyes and bring my knees to my chest. I feel that flutter - the one I’ve been feeling more and more lately. My mother says it could be the baby moving. It’s terrifying, but I can’t stop the small smile that appears.  _I do want to know._

I look back up at Dr. Vaughn and nod my head. He opens my file and reads through it for a moment. When he looks back up at me, I know I look anxious. He smiles again, bigger this time. “It’s a girl.”

I feel the corners of my mouth twitch up and something that’s become almost foreign to me starts to bubble up - happiness.

I get daily updates on Peeta’s health. They’ve had him doing some exercises with a small group of soldiers because he doesn’t fair too well when they make him stay in his room all day. He’s under guard, but at least he’s getting to do something.

The doctors have told me that he’s getting better but he still questions whether the girl he saw the night he arrived is actually me, or someone else. They don’t want me to see him yet, but are fairly certain if he hears my voice, he won’t have a negative reaction. Apparently, the hijacking only goes into effect when he sees me in person. They’ve shown him video from both Games and propos that have been filmed here, and he doesn’t get angry or confused.

Everyone tells me this as if it’s supposed to make me feel better, but all it does is make my head hurt.

I try my best to forget Peeta is even in 13, but Haymitch ends all efforts when he meets me outside of Dr. Vaughn’s office thee weeks after Peeta’s arrival here. He doesn’t speak right away, and just falls into step with me as I make my way back to my compartment. Once we’re out of the hospital wing he finally speaks up.

"I think it’s time for you to see him." I’m taken aback by how abruptly he brings this up. Usually, he walks carefully around the topic of Peeta.

I shake my head. “I thought it wasn’t safe for that.”

"Their new theory is that he won’t have the reaction if he can’t see you." I raise my eyebrows and Haymitch sighs. "He’s been asking about you. He knows you’re here and doesn’t understand why you haven’t come to see him." I bite my lip and stop walking immediately. Haymitch turns to me, and frowns. "I know why you don’t want to, sweetheart but he deserves some acknowledgement."

I look down, not wanting to meet his eyes with fear and doubt showing so brightly in my own. I’ve seen Peeta once since his attack, but he knows nothing about it. Exactly one week after his attempt to kill me, I was brought into a room with a two-way mirror looking directly into Peeta’s room.

_The room on display, currently empty, was not the same that Peeta had been admitted to when he first arrived. He’d been moved a few days after his arrival into a more permanent place. I was not informed where this room was but I didn’t want to know. I had just managed to convince myself I would never have to look at this boy again, that I could move on with all thoughts of him behind me -_

_I couldn’t keep my eyes away from him once he was brought back into the room. Despite the still-healing bruises on my neck, I couldn’t help but feel sadness at the ruined state he was in. His eyes still had those heavy bags under them and I could see bruises that looked worse than mine all over his arms and one that was clearly done days before he was brought here that went across the right side of his forehead and trailed under his hair._

_The doctor that brought him in led him to a chair that had been set up in the middle of the room. Peeta sat down and it seemed as though all of his weight pulled his shoulders down._ He’s so broken. _The doctor smiled gently at him and pulled a chair to sit directly across from him._

_I looked back at Haymitch and the group that told me to be here. “What am I supposed to be looking at?”_

_The doctor I was told is heading up the research into Peeta’s condition answered, “We’ve been doing these sessions with him every day. They seem to be making progress and we wanted you to be here the day he is asked to speak openly about you.”_

_I frowned and turned back to the mirror. I heard Haymitch whisper, “He doesn’t know you’re here.”_

_When the interview began, it was simple questions that Peeta would know without thinking hard about them. ‘What did your family do in District 12?’ ‘Who was it that sold vegetables in the District?’ I was honestly surprised that he didn’t break down at mention of our destroyed home, but then again, that place wasn’t trying to kill him. I concentrated solely on his voice, ignoring his answers for the most part - I just needed to hear him more than anything. After the few generic questions, the doctor began asking Peeta about his daily life. I focused more as Peeta described how he spent the beginning of his day - Running and lifting some weights then getting to eat lunch in the hospital’s own cafeteria -_

“ _Ok, Peeta… I told you about this yesterday, it’s time to talk about Katniss.” I held my breath as Peeta looked down at his hands. He stretched his fingers and I unconsciously brought my hand up to my neck._

_He whispered, “What do you want to know?”_

_The doctor tried her best to keep the gentle smile genuine. “How did you meet her, Peeta?”_

_He took a moment to answer. “On the train to the Capitol for the first Hunger Games.” Our history runs much deeper than that, but I suppose to answer is the truth - We hadn’t officially met until the day of the Reaping._

_The doctor nodded. “And after the Games, what was your relationship with Katniss?”_

_Peeta was quiet for a few minutes before he answered. He sounded a little more agitated when he spoke up, “Nothing. We didn’t speak for six months… She stayed away from me and just with Gale.”_

“ _Her cousin?” I rolled my eyes._

_Peeta scoffed. “Yeah. She was always with him until the Victory Tour.”_

_She tilted her head to the side, all of this must have been new information to her. “What happened on the Tour?”_

_I saw the hint of a real smile on Peeta’s lips. “We became friends.”_

_The doctor smiled. “Was there anything else before the Quell, Peeta?” His brow furrowed and she asked, “Did your relationship go past friendship?”_

_I bit my lip. Was this necessary? I turned to look at the doctor and he just nodded and whispered, “It’s something he needs to talk through. When he does see you again, there needs to be no doubt for him to not react poorly.”_

_Peeta just sat and stared at his hands, but I could see the red creeping up his neck._ He remembers. _The Capitol may have done a lot to him, but he hasn’t forgotten. He nodded. “The night before the reaping… We…” He let out a small breath before saying, “She didn’t regret it.”_

_The doctor just nodded and continued writing. “I want to ask you something important now. Take your time answering, but you have to answer the questions, ok?” Peeta nodded. “When you arrived here, you saw Katniss again. Do you remember what happened?”_

_His hands clenched again and he stiffened. “I do.” The doctor didn’t press him to elaborate; she can probably read his actions as well as I can._

“ _Why did you react that way?”_

“ _Because…” He closed his eyes and let out a long breath. “Because I thought she wasn’t Katniss.” His hands tighten on his legs and whispers, “She was going to kill me.”_

“ _Do you still believe Katniss is dead, Peeta?”_

_I leaned closer to the glass, I needed to hear every single word that he was going to say. This was the longest silence he’d had in the interview and it made me more nervous than I thought it would. He frowned and whispered, “No.”_

“ _Do you believe the Katniss you saw the night of your return is the real Katniss?”_

_The answer that fell from his lips sounded rehearsed and hurt me more than his fingers tight around my neck did. “Yes.”_

_I left that day with a weight on my heart. I could see his improvement but I knew he still thought I was an imposter._

I look up at Haymitch again. I’m sure he can guess what I’m thinking about and a sad smile comes across his face. “They told me he really wants to see if it is you.”

I whisper, “I’ll see him.”

Later that day, I’m standing outside the door to Peeta’s room. I’m more nervous than I thought I would be and I just stare at the frosted glass door for a few minutes before pushing it open. I notice immediately they’ve taken measures to insure my safety in this situation… Peeta is seated on his bed, but he’s facing the wall behind it and as I move into the room, I realize he’s handcuffed to the frame.

The door shuts behind me his head perks up. “Is that you, Katniss?”

I bite my lip. “Hi, Peeta…”

He lets out a soft breath. “They told me I won’t be able to recognize you… I guess you look really different now.”

I smile a little and sit down on the opposite end of the bed than him. “I guess so.” I hate this whole situation. I hate that I can’t see his face right now… I’ve waited so long for him to be here and now he has to be handcuffed before I can be near him. “I’m leaving for District 2 tomorrow…”

He gives a short, harsh laugh. “To get away from me?”

I shake my head before I realize he can’t see me. “No, Peeta. I have to go.” I watch him breathe for a moment. “The Mockingjay leads a busy life…”

He nods and says, “I’m sorry for what I did.”

"I don’t blame you." It took me until a few days ago to come to terms with the fact that this is not Peeta’s fault. My anger at the idea that he’d been taken away from me caused me to unintentionally blame the boy sitting in front of me. This isn’t his fault, none of it is.

He whispers, “I blame myself…”

I reach out my hand and only hesitate a second before placing it on his shoulder. He jumps a little, and I know he wasn’t expecting me to touch him at all. I whisper, “This isn’t your fault.”

I take a small breath and move closer to him. I slowly wrap my arms around his waist and lean against his back. I can feel his muscles relaxing against me and I take what I really think is my first full breath in a month. Some of the worry about what they were doing to Peeta in the Capitol is lifted from me now that I can see for myself he’s at least getting a little better. Despite the fact that he can’t look at me, he is carrying on a conversation with me… I lean my chin against his shoulder, my breath causes the hair next to his ear to flutter. I frown when I see the red marks around his wrists from wearing these cuffs. I feel nauseous suddenly and I hope I don’t get sick and have to leave.

"Peeta, your wrists…"

He shrugs. “It’s ok. They keep me calm…”

He isn’t in a room with a two-way mirror anymore so I know that doctors aren’t monitoring us right now. My heart starts beating faster when I make the decision to tell him, but he needs something happy to hold on to. Something that involves the way we used to be… I whisper, “I need to tell you something.”

He turns his head slightly and I move back so he can’t see me, the fear of his reaction is still there. “What is it?”

"We’re going to have a baby."

He shifts, the cuffs pulling against the metal posts of the headboard. “What?”

"I’m pregnant." I can’t help but smile a little. "She’s yours… Ours."

He’s shaking his head and I just know he’s smiling. I smile and wrap my arms around his waist again. “This is… not what I expected.” He laughs a little.

I tighten my arms around him. “I know, me either… I’m glad you’re here now.”

None of this feels right… I thought that telling him would be different, but I suppose this is the best I could hope for when Peeta can’t even look at me. I move back from him and sigh. I just want to see his face. This moment shouldn’t be shared with the back of his head. It’s impulse that moves me forward from my place on the bed and before either of us really registers what’s happening, I’m next to him and gently turning his head to face me. Our eyes meet and he smiles slightly.

He whispers, “Katniss…”

It’s sudden, like last time. My eyes flit down to his hands, starting to pull hard against the handcuffs and when I look back up to his eyes, they’re wide and look terrified. “No, Peeta…” He’s trying to move as far away from me as he can and I can’t explain how much that hurts. “It’s still me. I haven’t changed.”

He shakes his head rapidly. “You aren’t her…” His eyes narrow dangerously. “This isn’t real. Damn it!” His breathing is getting heavier. “And I fell for it!”

My eyes widen and I take several steps away from him. I hate myself for being too afraid to even try and help him. I hear the door open behind me and several doctors come in just as Peeta starts digging the cuffs into his wrists, trying to get free of them or just trying to rid himself of the pain that I’m unwittingly causing him.

He’s straining against the doctors when our eyes meet again. “Just stay away from me! I don’t want you, I want  _her_  back!” I’m forced into the hall and the door shuts behind me. I slide down to the floor and bury my face in my hands. My heart is beating faster than it ever has before and I don’t think I could stop my tears from falling if I tried.

I hear someone clear their throat and look up to be greeted by Haymitch. He doesn’t say anything, just watches me for a few minutes. I shake my head. “I need to leave tonight… I can’t be here anymore.”

I’ve been in District 2 for about two weeks when Gale arrives. Coin must either want more help to be focused on the problem of The Nut or the end may finally be coming near for this and the District will be broken from the Capitol at last.

I spend most of my time in the woods here, so thankful that I can be above ground all the time. The first day I was here, I found a fairly large tree that has a perfect nook in it. I go up frequently, though I’m sure I’m not supposed to, and just sit. Hidden by the leaves and wrapped in multiple blankets, I can almost pretend I’m at home in 12 and nothing has changed. But I open my eyes and it all has. I’m in District 2, in the middle of a war. I’m pregnant and her father can’t decide if I’m an imposter that’s trying to kill him. Haymitch tells me truthful updates and he doesn’t seem to be getting better. He doesn’t want to attack me anymore, but thinking of me makes him so upset they’ve resorted to not mentioning me at all unless they need to. Closing my eyes is best, it hurts less than being trapped in the present does.

I hear a soft whistling and I open my eyes to see Gale walking toward my tree. He’s smiling and I’m a little surprised, I haven’t seen Gale looking anything close to happy in months. His voice is light when he says, “I should have known I’d find you out here.”

Gale stands at the bottom of the tree for a few minutes and smiles up at me. He climbs up and settles next to me. He takes a deep breath; the fresh air and familiar surroundings must be doing him good as well. “I’ve missed the woods.”

I smile sadly. “Me too. These aren’t like home though.”

He nods. “How have you been?” I know he doesn’t want my answer to be about Peeta, but it’s hard to avoid now.

I shrug. “I was sick this morning… My host family told me to come out and get some fresh air. Apparently baby doesn’t like the smell of deer while it’s cooking.” I turn to him and smile a little.

He’s trying to keep his smile genuine as he replies, “Well hopefully her taste gets better later on.”

I laugh gently. “How are my mother and Prim?”

"They’re fine. Prim has been helping with Peeta a lot lately…" I nod and turn my head forward again. It’s painful to hear his name on Gale’s lips. It makes the fact that Peeta is sitting in 13 hating me so much more real. "I’m sorry all of that happened, Katniss."

I don’t respond for a few minutes. It hurts, yes, but was I really expecting anything less? It’s like nothing good ever really happens to me, or when it does, something absolutely terrible happens to cancel out the good. I shake my head. “It seems fitting… I don’t think I’m meant to be truly happy. Something always stands in the way.” I’m not looking at him but I know he’s hurt by the words.

He stares at me for a few minutes then gently turns my head so I look at him. “You’re going to find happiness, Katniss.” He pulls me against him in a warm hug and it’s in that moment that I realize how starved for affection I’ve been.

I rest my head against his chest and take a deep breath. “I wish some would find me soon…” I never thought I would be wishing for the Games again, but at least there Peeta could be near me without wanting to attack me.

"I think it will." I look up and Gale’s intense expression takes me by surprise. When his lips press to mine, I’m confused but I return his kiss. Maybe he can forget what’s between us because I’ve barely begun to show, or maybe he just doesn’t care anymore. I can’t deny this feels good, but there’s a tugging at my heart that I cannot ignore. He pulls back and I’m smiling, but I know by his expression that I’m somehow betraying my thoughts.

He leans back from me and I whisper, “Gale…”

He shakes his head and I know his eyes quickly fall to my stomach before meeting mine directly. “It’s fine, Catnip.” He shrugs. “I just… I’m sorry.”

I bite my lip. “Maybe if I hadn’t met him…” I shake my head and look down at my knees. “I love him even though he can’t stand to see me right now.” The sting of tears hits my eyes and it makes me angry. “I hate that! I hate that I’m stuck on him now… That I can finally say I love him and he wants to kill me… How is that for irony?”

I look up and Gale is smiling and it only makes me more irritated. “Maybe if you hadn’t gone in the games things would be different, but they’re not. Right now, you love someone else - you’re having his baby.” He takes a breath. “It hurts but I want this to work for you. He’s your future.”

I bite my lip and tears start rolling down my cheeks. “I don’t see any future except killing Snow…” I shake my head. “He’s going to pay for everything he’s done… And maybe then,” I place a hand on my stomach, “she’ll have a good life.”

Gale’s smile is sad when he wraps his arm around my shoulder. He leans his head against mine and we just sit in silence for a while.

Three days later, District 2 is in complete chaos. The plan to bomb the Nut and trap the workers is being put into motion. I’m ushered into the Justice Building to wait out the storm. While I wait, I allow my mind to wander back to Peeta, sitting in 13.  _I wonder if he thinks about me?_  A loud crashing brings me back to reality and I look out a window that has a view of the square and The Nut. People are running everywhere and dust billows from the mountain. I take a deep breath and close my eyes for a moment, trying to fight off the memories of my father’s death in the mines.

"Sweetheart," Haymitch’s voice sounds in my headset. "We need you to go outside soon and make a speech to the fallen district."

I shake my head, even though I know he can’t see me. “I can’t do that.”

"I’ll tell you exactly what to say, you have nothing to worry about."

Soon, too soon, I’m being walked outside and onto a stage. My image is being broadcasted on a giant screen behind me and when the lights hit me, everyone seems to go still. I start my speech. “Citizens of District 2… Please, listen and try to understand… There is a better world waiting for all of Panem. A world where we don’t have to live in constant worry that our children may be selected for the sadistic Hunger Games. A peaceful world… Right now is the time to sever ties with the Capitol. We need to join together and bring them -“

My words halt as a soldier stumbles into view. He has his gun pointed at the stage, pointed at me. I move forward, trying to explain to him that this isn’t what anyone needs to do anymore. “You don’t have to do this… You don’t have to be their puppet anymore.”

He glares at me. “I’m not a puppet.”

I frown and whisper, “I am…” He raises an eyebrow. “I’ve killed people because it’s what they wanted me to do. I played the Hunger Games and came out Victor.” I shake my head. “Sometimes, I’m no better than them but I want to change that. I want to change Panem.”

His grip on the gun loosens, and I think for a moment that maybe I’ve convinced him to not shoot but the man standing some fifty feet behind him takes his better shot. I fall backward into darkness.


	6. Lovers' Eyes

"Katniss!"

I open my eyes and everything is blurry, but I know I’m not in the street anymore.  _The Justice Building?_  Gale appears at my side and takes my hand in his.

His voice is harsh and he sounds out of breath when he speaks, “What happened? How the hell did she get shot?”

"Calm down, Soldier Hawthorne."  _Boggs?_

I groan as I’m lifted into the air and Gale snaps, “Be careful!”

"We have to lift her to get her to the hovercraft! If we don’t hurry she’ll loose too much blood."

_The baby…_ I clench my fingers tight around Gale’s and he looks back at me, but I can’t speak.  _The baby…_  He just squeezes my hand gently, “It’ll be ok, Catnip.” They’re moving quickly and the motion makes me feel sick. Or is it the pain? The hovercraft sits just outside the back of the building and they rush me on board. I lift my free hand and place it around Gale’s wrist when I’m put down on a table in the hovercraft. My eyes widen at the sight of blood covering my hand.  _Where was this?_  My vision is starting to fade, everything I look at is blurred with black.

My breathing quickens and I know I’m squeezing Gale’s hand too hard, but I can’t stop. “Help…”

Gale’s eyes meet mine and he looks more worried than I’ve seen him before. “They’re going to help you. You’re going to be ok.”

Someone needs to tell me if the baby is fine. Someone needs to say something about it. Someone needs to tell Peeta… A needle goes into my arm and I take in a sharp breath before everything goes dark.

It’s night. I’m not sure how I know, but once I have the thought, I’m certain it’s true.  _I suppose it doesn’t really matter._

I feel a gentle hand trail down my cheek and I lean against the touch.

There’s whispering, “Katniss?” The voice is soft and makes me feel at peace. “You’re going to be ok…”

I don’t know who it is, my eyes are too heavy to open but the sound of their voice makes me feel safe. I believe them when they say that I’m lucky to have made it…

Another night… I know time has passed though I’m not sure why I can tell… The gentle touch and voice is with me again. I’m happy they came back. When I’m aware and know they aren’t near me, I feel anxious and scared. I know this is a male by how big the hands feel against my cheek. His voice is so soft like he doesn’t want anyone else to hear him, the words are just meant for my ears.

I try to open my eyes when I finally feel I know who is here. I whisper, “Peeta?” There’s a sharp intake of breath and the gentle voice doesn’t come back.

_Don’t leave me…_

Everything is fuzzy. There’s noise all around me. I try to breathe evenly but it’s hard to manage and comes with a sharp pain. I force my eyes open and groan when I see where I am.  _District 13._  I never thought I would be back in this place. I actually believed that leaving for District 2 would allow me to not return here.

_I’m an idiot._

A smirking face comes into my vision that I recognize as Johanna Mason. She sits down on the edge of my bed and the shifting makes me wince. A satisfied smile comes across her face.

"I see you’re awake now." She scoffs when I try to sit up but can’t manage it. "Don’t over exert yourself there."

I sigh and try to hide my wince from the pain it causes. “What happened?”

She shrugs. “You got shot. Missed your heart by a few inches.” She says it as if it doesn’t matter at all and, were this anyone else, I would be offended. I take in a sharp breath as I try to move again and my hands clench over my stomach. “That made it too. I suppose it inherited your annoying ability to survive anything.”

I glare at her and open my mouth to say something when a gravely voice comes across the room. “Alright, Mason. Time to go back to your corner.” Haymitch moves to stand beside my bed and smiles when Johanna actually gets up and starts to walk away.

She rolls her eyes. “It’s dinner time anyway.”

Haymitch shakes his head and sits down in a chair next to my bed. He lets out a breath and leans forward a little, his elbows on his knees. “Well, you managed to find your way out of another tight spot, sweetheart.” I let out a short breath and shake my head. Haymitch smiles slightly. “Your recovery’s going well. You’re pretty lucky they got you out when they did. Otherwise…” He clears his throat and I can see that he’s actually happy that I made it back from District 2. I smile softly at the man and he continues, “Peeta’s been doing better.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Plutarch’s idea of better or a normal person’s?”

Haymitch smiles. “Normal. Your sister’s been helping quite a bit. They think if he sees you now, he’ll be fine. He’s been going through a lot of therapy and it seems to be helping him.”

I bite my lip. I didn’t think he would bring up seeing Peeta this soon. I knew being back here would mean having to hear more about his recovery and that I would eventually be seeing him again… I don’t know if I can face it if he’s still a broken mess. And it seems like he said the same thing before I left. I lie back against my pillows and shake my head. “I’m not ready to see him…”

Haymitch frowns. “I know after what happened, you’re unsure about this, but that boy needs to see you. He’s having a rough time of it here too, you know. Can’t really trust that people are who they say they are. It’s been a mess.” He lets out a deep sigh and watches me for a moment then quietly says, “He’s asked about the baby…” He pauses and my eyes narrow slightly. “He isn’t sure if it was real or not. We told him the truth, but he wants to hear it from you.”

I feel like I deflate completely at the words. Peeta wanted children. I know he did. I remember how he sounded scared and yet excited when I told him about the baby and it physically hurts that he isn’t sure whether it’s real or not. I know then that I’ve got to see him, that I’ve got to face this now for Peeta’s sake…

I look back at Haymitch and nod slightly. “I’ll see him.”

Four days later, I find myself standing outside of the frosted glass door to Peeta’s room. He’s still in he hospital, but isn’t being monitored. I suppose that should say a lot about his recovery, but it makes me nervous to know I have to do this on my own. I bite my lip and zip my jacket up. I’m showing more now and they don’t want him to be able to tell I’m pregnant just by looking at me, they’re afraid it could trigger one of his flashbacks to have the news sprung on him.

"Just talk to him." Haymitch stands against the wall behind me. I turn to him and he’s trying to smile kindly but failing. "Let him find his way to the question. It’ll be fine."

I nod and take a deep breath before opening the door. Immediately, I can tell this will be different than the last time we spoke. He is sitting, free of any restraint, on his bed and the ghost of a smile appears when he sees me. I wait for the confusion and rage to take over his eyes but neither does. He closes the sketchbook he had resting on his lap and sits up a little straighter.

We just watch each other, unsure of what to do. I take a few steps into the room and let the door close behind me. I keep my gaze determinedly forward when I hear the one escape click shut behind me. My voice is quiet when I say, “Hi, Peeta.”

A real smile is on his lips then, a real smile that tells me he is getting better. “Hi.” He motions for me to come closer. I walk to his bed and gently sit down on the opposite end from him.

I take in his appearance more closely then. He’s calm this time, the absence of the cuffs clearly doing him some good. His eyes are clearer than they’ve been since the Games and the dark bruise on his forehead seems to be fading. “You look better. How are you feeling?”

He shrugs. “You’ve been gone for almost a month.”

He doesn’t sound mean, but I can still hear a hint of resentment in his voice. I nod. “I know… I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye.”

“I’m just glad you’re ok.”

We fall silent and I really have no idea how to do this. Telling him the first time didn’t go well and I’m more than a little nervous to do it again. I do know I want to get this over with quick. I don’t want to prolong any bad reaction he may have by saying the wrong thing.

I look down at my hands. “Haymitch said you wanted to talk to me about something.”

I look back up and he’s nodding. “After everything… I don’t remember a lot of stuff. Weird things.” He looks directly into my eyes. “I don’t remember a lot about you. Us.” I bite my lip and nod. “I know the night before the reaping was real.” I can’t help but blush even though everyone knows it happened. He sighs, his brow furrowing in thought as he tries to reason through his words. “And I know you came to see me before you left. You told me something important…”

"Peeta, we don’t have to talk about this right now." I can tell he’s getting frustrated because he can’t remember what’s happened.

"No." He moves closer to me and I have to force myself not to scoot away from him. "I need to know if this is true. They’ve all told me…" He shakes his head and takes in a deep breath. "Are you having a baby?" I nod slowly and a small look of relief passes over his features. He hesitates for a moment before asking, "And it’s mine?"

I unzip my jacket and take it off. “I’m five months.” He’s just staring at me and it really makes me uncomfortable. “The doctor says I’m not very big yet because I was so small before, but it’s is ok. She’s healthy despite everything.”

He smiles, his old smile that always makes me happy, that I’ve dreamt about since he was taken from me.

We’re sitting even closer now and I don’t remembering either of us moving. I can see red in his cheeks as he hesitantly raises his hand. I try to keep my nerves hidden as he gently places his hand against my cheek. I smile softly and lean into his touch. He whispers, “I came to see you… Before you woke up.”

Our eyes meet. “I know…” He lets his hand fall to my knee and we’re quiet once again. It’s a comfortable silence and I find myself glad that he’s back just to be able to sit in the quiet with him.  _Don’t say that out loud._

I find myself lost in the blue of his eyes and lean forward before I realize it. I stop suddenly but he closes the space between us and presses his lips to mine. It’s quick and causes my face to heat and I feel stupidly nervous.

He wasn’t shaking while we kissed, but when I open my eyes I see that his are shut tight. “Peeta?”

He shakes his head. “You need to go…” He voice is strained. I reach out for him and he jerks away, moving from the bed. He paces for a few minutes. His hands are clenching and unclenching as he moves and his breathing gets heavier. He runs his fingers roughly through his hair, pulling at his blonde curls, and then sits in a corner farthest away from me.

I was warned that he’s started having these episodes. The torture in the Capitol came in waves and his recovery seems to be doing the same thing. Once they managed to move a little past his block with recognizing people, it triggered these dangerous flashbacks. It’s almost as if Snow knew this would happen and he sent back a time bomb in the form of Peeta. He won’t talk about what he sees, but they think his mind is taking him back to his torture in an extremely vivid way.

I slowly get up and walk toward him. I have to be able to handle him when this happens. It scares me, but not in the way I thought it would. I’m more afraid of how this is wearing on Peeta. He looks so exhausted. I glance to my right and see that Haymitch and several doctors are now standing in the door and I shake my head. I have to do this on my own. “I’m not going anywhere, Peeta…” I go down on my knees in front of him and place my hands on either side of his face and slowly run my thumbs under his eyes. I drop my voice to a whisper, “Peeta… It’s me. I don’t know what they’ve made you think, but I’m not going to hurt you… Don’t leave me, please…” He’s shaking and his eyes are still shut tight. I can almost hear his teeth grinding. I kiss his forehead. “ _We_  need you, Peeta… Your daughter needs you…”

He lets out a long breath and his eyes slowly flutter open. I know he’s upset with himself and probably with me, but I honestly don’t care. I can’t be truly mad at him for this - he can’t help what they did to him. I’m sure this wasn’t as bad as his episodes will get, but at least I didn’t run from him or get pulled away this time. We have to get through this together. I won’t leave Peeta behind again. I’ve lost him too many times. I’ve left him too many times…

I stroke my fingers down the sides of his face and quietly say, “I’m not going to leave you, Peeta. Not this time.”

He looks so sad and he doesn’t meet my gaze when he says, “You shouldn’t have stayed… What if I had hurt you?”

I shake my head. “You didn’t. You won’t hurt us. I know you won’t.” Our eyes meet and his are full of disbelief. “We take care of each other. Always.” He takes a few deep breaths then closes his eyes. I see tears escape and I wipe them away. I sit next to him and take one of his hands in mine. I slowly place it against my stomach. “We love each other, Peeta… I know…”

He looks at me and nods. There’s something familiar in his gaze now and I almost can forget that we’re in a hospital ward in the middle of a war. I can almost imagine sitting with Peeta in 12, telling him that we’re going to be a family. I smile when he whispers, “I know too…”

Life in District 13 doesn’t get any better, nor does it get less claustrophobic, but telling Peeta somehow makes the place a little brighter. He remembers this time, and his doctors believe it shows a good sign in his mental health that he didn’t relapse after his episode. It stings knowing that I caused it, but I’ve been told that talk of the baby doesn’t trigger anything.  _That is something to be happy for._  We aren’t allowed to see each other alone anymore. Not because I’m afraid of him, but because his doctors don’t want something to happen. I hate that every time we talk, there’s someone listening from outside the door or even sitting in a chair in the room with us, but they want this to continue until he’s more stable.

The relationship we have now makes pretending to be in love for the sake of the cameras seem perfectly normal. We’re having a baby together, we’ve obviously held an intimate relationship, yet now we sit at opposite ends of his bed trying to get to know each other again. It’s almost as if I’m meeting the father of my baby for the very first time. Some days, he seems like the Peeta I knew back home and I have to force myself not to reach out and push the hair off his forehead or try and hold his hand. I keep telling myself that at least he’s still here, but when I catch myself about to lean against him or thinking about just kissing him, I can’t help but remember when he wasn’t here.  _This is better than him being trapped, but I miss how he used to be._

Peeta and I are sitting in the common room of the hospital wing three days before Finnick and Annie’s wedding. The whole District has been going crazy getting everything ready, but I’m sure both of them wouldn’t have cared if they had a quiet ceremony with none of the pageantry Plutarch wants to throw. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Finnick looking so happy and I can’t help the twinge of jealousy I feel when I see him with Annie - They’re so certain with each other and he seems to know exactly what to do when Annie retreats inside herself. It’s strange how calm he makes her and vise versa. I just sit watching him and wonder if I’ll ever be able to really be able to help him. Peeta’s been drawing more and more lately, I hope it means he’s getting some sense of who he used to be. He looks up at me and smiles a little then looks immediately back at the paper. He’s been doing this for almost thirty minutes and it’s obvious what he’s drawing.

I lean forward to try and see over the top of the book but he closes it. “Let me see, Peeta. I know it’s me.”

He smiles and puts it in his lap. “It isn’t ready yet.”

I sigh and sit back in my chair. “Fine.” I glance around the room for probably the tenth time. Today, we’re alone. It’s only been a week since we’ve been spending time together, but it really feels like a longer time.

"They asked me to make the cake, you know." I look back at Peeta and he’s smiling again. I can’t help but smile too. "They asked me a few days before you woke up and I’ve been working on it since then. It’s almost done."

He sounds proud and I’m certain it will be beautiful like everything he makes. “That’s great. I can’t wait to see it.”

"Do you want to now?" He leans forward a little.

I raise an eyebrow. “Am I allowed to?”

He smirks, such a familiar action that my breath catches. “If you’re with me they’ll let you in.” I grin and find myself agreeing to go with him. The doctors probably wouldn’t approve. While, yes, we’re alone in here, there is someone close by if something were to go wrong. Going all the way to the kitchen may not be the best idea, but he looks so happy and, honestly, I want to see what he’s been working on too.

He leads me through several hallways as we take a path that is clearly familiar to him. We pass the cafeteria and he shows me through a door I’ve never noticed before marked “Kitchen Staff Only.” His smile is the widest I’ve seen it since he’s been here as he wheels the cake out of the walk-in cooler. It is a beautiful cake. He’s managed to capture the sea in the frosting and the detail he includes makes me think he’d lived by the sea his entire life.

He doesn’t take his eyes off it when he speaks, “What do you think?”

"It looks wonderful." His eyes meet mine and I smile softly. My words come out soft and a little rushed, "Like everything you make."

His smile doesn’t falter but I can see a little bit of confusion pass over his eyes. He doesn’t address it and just shakes his head. “I hope they like it.”

I don’t take my eyes off him, even when he looks back at the cake. “I’m sure they will.”

He frowns and looks back at me. “Are you going?”

"I think I have to, but I would go anyway." He nods. "Are you?"

He shrugs. “I don’t know yet. I guess it’s good that they’re giving me the option of going. They must not think I’ll attack someone.”

I frown. “Don’t say that.” It makes me angry that he says this stuff about himself. It isn’t the first time he’s talked like this and I hate listening to it. “Finnick wants you there because you’re his friend.”

He rolls his eyes. “Based on what? A week trapped in the Quell?” He looks at me as if he’s challenging me to tell him he’s wrong.

Honestly, the look hurts, but I don’t back down or show him that he’s bothering me. It’s stupid of me and there’s a voice in my head telling me I should back off, but I just don’t want to.

"Maybe it’s based on him saving your life  _in_  that arena and then helping keep me sane while I was here thinking you were dead.” He glares at me and I return his harsh gaze. “There’s more to friendship than knowing everything about someone, Peeta. There’s more to caring than understanding someone’s past.” His eyes soften a bit, but mine don’t as I whisper, “I  _know_  you remember that much.” I turn and leave him standing in the kitchen.

I don’t talk to Peeta at all the rest of the day, or the next. It’s hard, not seeing him, but I won’t be the one to apologize this time. He knew what he was saying, knows he was wrong. I spend the whole time locked in my compartment, angry at everything and everyone, myself included.

The day before the wedding, Gale finally makes his way to my compartment. I was certain someone would send him before this, or that Haymitch would have burst in and yelled at me for being so short with Peeta.

I’m lying on my bed when Gale opens the door and walks straight to me. He doesn’t even bother to knock most of the time. It doesn’t usually bother me, but today it does. I turn and glare at him. “You can knock, you know.”

He shrugs as he nudges my feet to allow room for himself. “Why did you do that?” His voice only sounds slightly patronizing and I spare him the nasty comments currently running through my mind. “I’m not his biggest fan, but you know that he can’t help everything he says.”

I sigh heavily. “Sometimes it hurts too much to just sit there and take it, Gale.”

"You know, I think I do understand but that doesn’t mean you can just go off on him." This sounds so wrong. Gale sitting here, telling me how I shouldn’t have snapped at  _Peeta_. It makes no sense.

I sit up and narrow my eyes. “Why are you even here? Why are  _you_  defending him?”

He holds ups his hands. “I’m not here to defend anyone. I’m here because I was asked to see how you’re doing. Those visits weren’t just benefiting Peeta, Catnip.” I try to ignore the pain that shows through his steady tone, the thought of him wishing he could be the calming factor in my life just makes me irritated.

I shake my head. “I’m a little tired of everyone else deciding what’s best for me. The doctors, Haymitch, my mother and now you. I know a little bit about what’s good for me and what isn’t, Gale. And sitting there,” I bite my lip as I feel the prick of tears, “having to watch him work through every little thing I say…” I shake my head and look away from him. “It’s numbing.”

"You need to see him again." He stands up. "I know you’re mad at him, but don’t forget that you two are even more connected now." I can’t respond to him and just look down at my hands. Gale pauses before opening the door. "Tomorrow. He’ll be there tomorrow, talk to him then."

The wedding is simple, but it says so much about how Finnick and Annie feel about each other. They are able to incorporate parts of the ritual from District 4. It makes the whole event even more special. I sit with my mother and Prim. My mother cries the whole time and Prim holds tight to my hand. Peeta sits a few rows in front of us, and as much as I try not to, I can’t help but stare at the back of his head pretty much the whole time.

After the ceremony, the guests move into an adjoining room where the reception area has been set up. Plutarch fought hard to get good footage out of this event and part of that was the décor. The room isn’t overly decorated, but it does look nice and the guests are having a good time. There aren’t any musicians in 13, but one lone fiddle player made it out of 12 with his instrument and he plays songs that are familiar to anyone from our home District. I actually feel myself smiling for the first time in a few days.

I’m sitting by myself, watching my mother spin Prim across the dance floor, both of them smiling brightly, when Peeta makes his way to my table. He stands in front of me and holds his hand out. He whispers, “Dance with me?”

I feel the corner of my lips twitch up and nod my head. Peeta pulls me out onto the dance floor as a slower song starts to play. Some of the former residents of 12 are sitting around the fiddler singing. We stay a safe distance from each other, but we’re still closer than we have been in a little while.

I can feel the camera on us and it takes a lot of control to not lead Peeta away from here. “I’m sorry about before.”

He shakes his head and pulls me a little closer. “It’s fine. Sometimes I can’t stop what I say.” He lets out a deep breath. “I hate it.”

I nod and we just look into each other’s eyes for a moment before Peeta’s grip tightens on my waist and I lean against him. My heart is beating fast and I’m sure he can tell, but I don’t want to move away from him.

He leans his head against mine and whispers, “They’re filming us.”

I roll my eyes. “I don’t think they ever stop…” Our eyes meet again and I just hold his gaze. I can feel the way Peeta’s hand is trembling slightly against my waist and it makes me feel like being nervous is ok. The song is coming to a close, and I know that this moment will be over soon. “I know none of this is your fault…” I keep my voice at a whisper so they can’t pick up the words on camera.

He smiles softly. “Katniss… Families aren’t perfect.”

The song ends. He presses a soft kiss to my forehead and steps back from me, but I can’t seem to move.  _Families aren’t perfect._  Peeta and I are already a family. It’s like Gale said, we’re connected in so many ways, but soon there will be a bigger one than being Victors of the Hunger Games.

"Thank you, Peeta." He’s turned and is about to start walking away when I place a hand on his shoulder. I bite my lip when he faces me again, suddenly not sure about my decision. I let out a soft breath. "I go to the doctor tomorrow. I’d like it if you went with me."

I can tell he wasn’t expecting me to say that and is taken aback by the invitation, but his smile widens all the same and he nods.

The next day, Peeta accompanies me to Dr. Vaughn’s office. It’s strange walking here with someone, but especially strange to be walking here with Peeta. When he was gone, it was easier to pretend that the baby didn’t have a father. I never forgot that the baby was going to be my last piece of Peeta, but I was able to keep everything to myself when there was no one else as involved in this as me. I had assumed he would never know about this baby, let alone be around when she’s born.  _Don’t think about that right now…_  I sit on the examination table and watch Peeta out of the corner of my eye. He’s nervous and, despite myself, I think it’s cute. He stares around the room, which is pretty much bare of anything save for a few posters on pregnancy. I have no doubt Dr. Vaughn will be kind to him, but I hope Peeta makes it through the appointment fine.

I frown and place a hand against my stomach. Lately, the baby has been starting to move more. It’s so strange to feel and still sends a small jolt of panic through my body at the thought of a new life growing inside me. Soon, there will be someone new to take care of… Soon, there will be another person stuck in this miserable life and in this miserable war.

I let out a soft breath and Peeta immediately turns to face me, a worried look on his face. My smile is genuine and I shake my head. “Just breathing, Peeta. No need to worry.”

He gives me an embarrassed smile. “I guess I’m just a little nervous.”

There’s a knock on the door and Dr. Vaughn gives us a warm smile as he enters the room. He looks at Peeta and doesn’t seem to view him as something dangerous. It makes me feel a little better about having him with me. Peeta resumes his place beside me and when Dr. Vaughn reaches out a hand to him, he seems surprised but shakes the man’s hand anyway.

"It’s good to finally meet you, Mr. Mellark." Peeta smiles but can’t seem to find his voice. Dr. Vaughn chuckles softly. "It’s fine to be nervous. But are you ready to see your baby?"

Any doubts I had about having Peeta with me today are erased from my mind when I see the way his face lights up when the doctor starts the ultrasound and points out where the baby is on the screen. I can’t help myself when I reach out and take Peeta’s hand in mine and lace our fingers together. He looks down at me and smiles before turning his attention back to the baby,  _his baby._

There’s no doubt that Dr. Vaughn is happy for us when he speaks and his voice is the same light tone that he had when I actually began showing interest in the baby. “Everything is moving along nicely. You seem to be right on track and your health after the incident in District 2 has improved greatly.” He looks back at Peeta then says, “I’ll let you two have a moment.”

I smile as I watch Peeta stare at the tiny screen in fascination. He hasn’t let go of my hand and I give it a small squeeze. When he turns to me, I can see there are tears forming in his eyes. I sit up and he instantly wraps his arms around me. I stiffen for a moment then relax into his arms.

Peeta whispers, “Thank you, Katniss…” He pulls back and rests his forehead against mine. I can see tears clinging to his eyelashes and, in this moment, the idea that Peeta and I will be a family after all of this is over is a bright spot to look forward to. We may be a little broken, but maybe we can actually be good parents… I already know that Peeta will be a good father despite everything that’s happened to him.

After the appointment Peeta is released from the hospital. The doctors were waiting until they were sure his flashbacks wouldn’t cause him to inflict harm upon himself before letting him be assigned his own compartment. He still has to see the doctor everyday, but at least he no longer has to live there. Honestly, it doesn’t make me as nervous as I thought it would. I’ve become more comfortable around Peeta and I’m glad that we can now have conversations without being constantly under guard.

We’ve taken to walking around the halls of 13 for long periods of time. It’s one of the better parts of my day and I can’t help but notice how we’ve begun to drift closer together.

I haven’t been getting tired because of the pregnancy, but today it hits me all at once and Peeta walks me back to my compartment. When we get there, Haymitch is at the table inside. I raise an eyebrow and hesitantly walk toward him. His face is impassive and I can’t tell if he’s going to give me good or bad news. He motions for me to sit down and I manage not to scoff at how he’s giving me permission to sit on my own furniture.

He doesn’t speak for a little bit and I say, “What is it?”

He stuff his hands in his pockets, looking nervous. “News directly from Coin. There are troops being sent into the Capitol in a little over a week. It seems like we’re about to have the upper hand on Snow and maybe this will finally be done.” He pauses and I’m certain there is something else he wants to say. His words are rushed as though he wants to get the sting over with. “I know the plan was for you to join the fight, but it looks like you won’t be going to the Capitol.” My eyes widen at his words and I can’t seem to find my voice.

"What? I’m the face of the rebellion and I’m not even going to be in the Capitol when it’s taken down?" I look up at Peeta and can tell that he agrees with the order for me to stay behind. I let out a frustrated sound.

Haymitch puts up a hand. “They’re going to send you in once the Capitol is taken, but no one wanted to put you in the line of fire right now. You’ve already had a close call. There won’t always be a lucky break for you, sweetheart.”

I frown. I’m completely torn right now. I want to be in the Capitol when it’s taken down. I want to see the government that caused the Hunger Games brought down for good. On the other hand, I want to keep the baby safe. I’m starting to feel sick suddenly and I just need to get out of this room. I stand quickly and leave.

I don’t get far before ducking into a closet and curling into the corner. I wrap my arms around my waist and whisper, “You’re causing trouble already…”

I close my eyes so I don’t know he’s outside the door until it opens and I look up to see Peeta sinking down next to me. I can’t really see his expression in the dark of the closet, but I’m sure he’s worried. He lets out a soft sigh and I’m surprised when he pulls me close to him. Yes, we’ve been getting closer but the only near intimate moment we’ve had was at Finnick and Annie’s wedding when we danced.

"If I said I’m glad you’re not going, would you hate me?" His voice is quiet and gentle and makes me feel instantly calmer.

I shake my head and lean against him. “I don’t hate you.” I don’t know how to describe to him how I’m feeling that doesn’t make it seem like I wish we weren’t having the baby. I haven’t told him about my doubts when I first found out or about how Dr. Vaughn gave me a choice - even though I didn’t choose to do it, I know the idea of it would hurt Peeta.

He wraps one arm tight around my waist and places his hand on my stomach. He whispers, “You have to keep her safe and that means you have to stay safe.” I look up at him and can just make out his blue eyes in the dark.

I nod and just stare into his eyes. I whisper, “We’ll be safe.” He smiles softly at my words. I can’t help when I lift a hand to brush his hair off his forehead. To me, it’s a mark in his improvement that he doesn’t flinch away from me or really stiffen under my touch. He bites his lip as I bring my hand down and rest it on his own that’s against my stomach.

I’m nervous. Our relationship has been so strained. We’re becoming closer, but it’s still me learning to be friends with Peeta after everything we’ve already been through. Every time I feel like we’ve moved forward, I open my eyes and realize that we’re really just in the same place… All I want is to be able to wrap my arms around him and not be worried he’ll have an episode. I take in a shaky breath and move my hands away from him. I suddenly feel like I did that night in 12, going to this boy I am in love with and just unable to explain to him that I just want to be close to him. I fell in love with Peeta Mellark, and now I’m just caught up with nerves every time I see him because I have no idea if he can still love me.

I frown and shift away from him. This suddenly hurts too much. I try to stand but Peeta grabs my hand, and I can see the confusion on his face. I shake my head and say, “I’m just tired…”

His grip on my hand tightens, preventing me from standing. It isn’t painful and I can tell he just doesn’t want me to leave. “Tell me what’s wrong, Katniss.” I bite my lip and drop my gaze to the floor. Telling him what I’ve been feeling means admitting that I’m not certain he’ll ever come back to me… I can’t manage to speak to him and just continue to stare at the hard floor beneath us. He places his fingers under my chin and brings my gaze back to his. “Talk to me…”

I take a shaky breath. “This has just been different than I thought it would be…” I can tell he doesn’t understand and I continue, “When you came back…” I shake my head and look away from him. “I don’t even know what I thought would happen. I know none of this is your fault, but… It’s hard going through the motions of a friendship with you, Peeta. After everything…”

He lets out a long breath and I’m sure he looks upset, but I can’t make myself face him. His voice doesn’t sound hurt when he says, “I understand…” I look up at him and see there’s a soft smile on his lips. “You have no idea how much I wish I could just grab you an kiss you. How much I hated to let go of you at that appointment… I’m just afraid that I’m going to hurt you.”

He’s starting to get upset, and I can tell his hands are shaking when he grips his legs. Normally, I wouldn’t be so quick to do this but I can’t stand seeing him so upset with himself. Peeta isn’t the one to blame in this situation… I place both my hands on his face and press my lips to his. His hands lift up and land on my arms. He grips them tight at first, but after a moment his fingers loosen. I move back slightly and our eyes meet. There’s still something dark there, but I know he isn’t going to attack me. He pulls me back to him and crashes his lips against mine.

The kiss is messy, but perfect. We’ve shared a few since he’s been back, but this one seems to be real. I can feel his hands gripping at me, but this time it’s in a desperate need to bring me as close to him as he can. I shift and he pulls me onto his lap, pressing his hand against my back so that we’re as close as we can be. I move my hands into his hair and twist my fingers into his curls. His fingers find the bottom of my shirt and gently dip under it. The feeling of his skin against mine causes me to pause.

I pull back and he frowns. “What’s wrong?”

"Nothing," I shake my head and try to smile a bit. I’ve wanted this freedom with him for so long now, but I can’t deny how nervous I am.

"Slow. We’ll take this slow." He smiles.

We spend the next week in a relatively peaceful place. Peeta and I don’t take as many cautious steps around each other, and I really think we may be ok after all. I’m even getting more comfortable with him taking on the role of soon-to-be father. It’s nice, even if he is a little overbearing sometimes.

While I was away, Peeta began training with the regular soldiers fulltime. Coin said she wanted to get footage of him so that the Capitol knew he was integrating with the rebellion, but I’m not really sure I believe that’s why she wanted him training. He took a break after I came back and he found out about the baby, but he’s been put back in the full training sessions again. Coin’s been sending out troops to the Capitol more and more, and I’m really afraid that she’s planning on sending Peeta. Finnick and Gale are already gone.

I’m lying on the bed in Peeta’s compartment when he comes back from training a little more than a week after our doctor’s appointment. He looks incredibly tired and doesn’t waste time before lying down on the bed just below my feet.

I frown when he covers his eyes with his hands. “Everything ok?”

He sighs heavily. “They’re sending me to the Capitol.”

My eyes widen and I can’t do anything but shake my head. They can’t send him back. He’s suffered enough for the sake of this war, why do they want him to suffer more? I move back against the headboard and wrap my arms around myself. I can’t keep the image of Peeta bent and broken on the ground out of my head.

He sits up and moves closer to me. He places his hands on my knees and tries to smile. “I knew you would be upset, but I have to go…”

I jerk my legs away from him. “No you don’t, Peeta! You don’t have to do anything for them. You’ve done enough.” I’m being selfish but I don’t want him to leave me alone again. There’s too great of a chance that him being there will trigger an episode or he’ll be killed in battle and I’ll never see him again. I can’t stand the thought of losing him now. I whisper, “Everything was finally ok…”

He runs his fingers down my cheek and rests his hand against my neck. “I know. I will come back to you, Katniss. I’m not going to leave you or the baby.”

I feel tears stinging at my eyes and look away from him.

Peeta has to leave for the Capitol the next day, and I can’t stand to leave him for a minute. I whisper, “Can I stay?”

He nods and pulls me close against him. “Always.”

We spend the rest of the night in his compartment, holding each other close. We don’t talk much and it painfully reminds me of the night before the Quell. He keeps an arm wrapped around me and his hand against my stomach, almost like he’s saying a silent goodbye to the baby.

Peeta leaves the next day for the Capitol. I stand with him at the hangar, my arms wrapped tight around him. I can’t stand to see him leave like this. We were finally moving forward, and now he’s being sent away.

I hear people behind us calling for Peeta and I tighten my grip on him. He sighs softly and pulls back. He kisses me on the cheek and I’m close to crying when my eyes meet his.

He whispers, “Please don’t worry about me. You need to keep yourself safe.”

I want to tell him how much I love him. I want to tell him that I won’t get any sleep knowing that he’s in that terrible place again, fighting through unknown obstacles. All I can manage to say is, “Just come home…” He nods and kisses me once on the lips before boarding the hovercraft that will take him to where he will board the train to basecamp.


	7. Trapped

Any sense of normalcy I had built up is destroyed when the hovercraft carries Peeta away from District 13. My routine doesn't change in his absence. I'm still required to attend near daily meetings in Command and film propos with the crew. It's almost like Peeta was never even here. People don't talk about him. I think they can see what I deny to myself - I'm broken without Peeta here. When I'm not needed, I take to my old habits of finding somewhere warm to hide away and I really only speak outside of the propos to Prim.

Nearly two weeks after Peeta leaves for the Capitol, Plutarch calls me into Command to watch the airing of new propos. I've been largely kept in the dark about these, which I found strange but didn't really question because they were leaving me alone. Walking the halls of 13 is so different now. I hadn't realized how many people were being prepared for the Capitol. Now that they're gone, it's almost eerily quiet. Taking my seat beside Haymitch, I ready myself for whatever will cross the screen.

"These are being aired in the Capitol as we see them. Beetee has definitely been working hard and he's guaranteed uninterrupted viewing." His eyes linger on me for a moment and he clears his throat. "I think this new one will help gain.. sympathy for our side from the Capitol citizens."

My eyes narrow slightly. His emphasis on the word 'sympathy' has not escaped my notice.

The screens are black at first, and then slowly they fade into the reception of Finnick and Annie's wedding. The music playing isn't the same that was at the wedding but it seems to fit well. People are dancing and smiling, enjoying themselves in a way they haven't in who knows how long. My first smile in weeks crosses my lips as Finnick twirls Annie across the screen. It's simple and sweet, really hitting at the Capitol's love of romance and happiness. Despite Finnick's status as sex symbol, they will want to see them happy together. I open my mouth to say that I actually do like this one, when the scene shifts slightly. We're still watching the wedding, but now they're focused on someone else. Me. I'm sitting on my own, smiling as I watch the dancing. Peeta walks up and extends his hand. Soon we're dancing and the camera really was focused nicely on us. It's like the rest of room, the rest of the people just fade away and the only thing happening is the dance between Peeta and me. We're so close and my cheeks flush as I watch. The song comes to an end and Peeta whispers, "Families aren't perfect" before pressing a kiss to my forehead. As he steps away and the camera pans back, it's very clear there will soon be another member in our family.

"What is this?" I practically spit the words, turning instantly to Plutarch. "I thought we had agreed to keep this a secret so they couldn't use it against Peeta!"

I realize I'm rising from my chair when Haymitch places a hand on my arm and. "Not a good idea, sweetheart," he whispers.

Plutarch shakes his head, an almost indulgent smile on his lips. "Peeta's in the field and Snow has no idea. How could they use this against him?"

As calmly as I can, I push my chair back and stand. I thought Plutarch understood how Snow works better than this. He'll see this and find a way to use it to his advantage. Whether or not Peeta is in the field, he'll find a way to get to him. And I'm stuck in 13, being used as their puppet. I walk out without another word.

After the propo, Plutarch is unable to get me to set foot in Command. I don't film the following two days like I'm scheduled to do, saying I'm too sick to be any good. It's surprising when no one comes to force me into the studio. Maybe Haymitch has convinced them all to leave me alone for a little while.

They wait a week before trying to get their Mockingjay back. I'm summoned to Command with a side that there will be consequences if I don't show up. When I arrive, I except to see Plutarch and the rest of his team ready to carry me into production if they have to and I'm shocked to see President Coin sitting alone at the large table.

She doesn't look up when I walk in, merely waves her hand toward the chair across from her and continues to look through papers laid out in front of her. "Have a seat, Miss Everdeen." It's a few moments before she carefully stacks the papers and places them to the side. When she finally looks at me, her expression is unreadable. "This war will be over soon. There's a working plan that will expedite the fighting and pull in our favor." She pauses and the smile she's wearing makes me uncomfortable. "I want you ready when the Capitol falls. Per our agreement, you will be granted the final shot of this war."

I frown. "What do you mean?" I think I see where this is going, but I'm not going to help it along the way.

"I'm sending you to the Capitol," she replies simply. The words hit me in a strange way. I thought it had been her decision to keep me here. Why is she suddenly sending me away? "You will be hidden with a family who have turned spy for us. Measures will be taken for your safety, you have my word."

"I don't understand." Coin's smile flickers for a second and when it returns, it's even more uncomfortable than before. This is a woman who sees the power she's been reaching for, for so many years in her grasp. "I thought the plan was to send me in after it was over?"

She looks me over for a moment. "It was my understanding that you wanted to fight in this war."

"I did… I do, but…"

Coin cuts me off, "Be ready to leave tonight, Miss Everdeen." She stands, her eyes linger on me before she leaves the room.

The rest of the day is a blur. I try to seek out someone to talk to, Haymitch or even Plutarch, but no one is around. It strikes me as odd, but I shake the feeling off. They're probably just busy if the war is so close to ending. I'm called from my compartment before my mother and Prim even come back from the hospital. I had thought they would at least be able to see me off, or say goodbye here in the compartment. They've been working longer shifts lately, and the guard that's come to collect me stresses the need to hurry when I start to ask about my family. My unease about this mission grows when we arrive at the hangar and I realize I'll be going alone on this. The only people who will be with me are the crew meant to fly the hovercraft and that's it. They will deposit me in District 7, a district that has no open warring, where I will be placed on a train and smuggled into the Capitol in disguise. I try to stay focused during the briefing on the hovercraft, but the only things I really take in are that I'll be staying with two Capitol citizens turned spy, Zelda and Cormac Doyle and that their home is near the last reported location of Peeta's team.

The ride is quiet and I try to keep calm by watching the trees pass quickly under the hovercraft. My hands continually shake though, and I'm feeling all wrong about doing this.

We land in District 7 just outside the train station and waste no time getting me on board. The train isn't a luxury one like those that took me into the Games twice, but it does have rooms. I'm herded into one that contains a prep team to disguise me. We'll be taken directly into the Capitol, which makes me nervous. The train will slowly fill with people, soldiers and camera crews, making their way back to the city from the districts. Being on this train, surrounded by people fighting for the Capitol, fighting to bring me down, scares me. The prep team assures me no one will be able to recognize me once they're finished, but I can't help the fear creeping up my spine. Looking in the mirror, however, I have to believe no one will recognize me. They've dressed me in a blonde wig and completely erased my features to draw them back on slightly differently and add an amount of dramatic makeup that's the current fashion in the Capitol.

I'm left alone after the team makes me over. I know sleep will evade me tonight. Sitting up in the bed, I find myself just staring across the room at my reflection in the mirror. I can see the fear in my eyes very clearly. Being in this war has inevitably led me to this moment. Being taken back into the Capitol. I was ready for it a few weeks ago, but with the new propos and Peeta being sent out here, I've let fear take over where there once was readiness. I pull my knees up and rest my head on them. I've got to get over this. Suddenly, I feel the baby moving and can't help but smile.

"We're both going to be ok," I whisper into the dark.

In the morning, I'm taken quietly from the train and led into a dark car waiting at the station. The couple taking me in works as high-ranking officials in the Capitol government that have turned spy for the rebellion. I'm being posed as Zelda's niece coming to stay with them. If questions are asked, I was living with my family until the rebels took over District 2 and now I'm being sent to the Capitol for safety. Luckily, the citizens of the Capitol have never been much for details of their own city and we make it through without notice. My only fear is that Snow learns of my location. When we arrive, only Zelda is waiting for me. The car drops me off and doesn't wait long before driving away. I'm in complete care of this woman I've never met.

Zelda keeps me company most of the day. Her husband works in Snow's own offices and is kept busy with that. He's supposed to be feeding Snow information on the rebels, but instead gives him false leads. It seems dangerous to me, but Cormac reassures me that he does give the man enough information that is real to cover up what's been faked.

Fives day in to my stay, I'm going stir-crazy. I've not been out of the house since I arrived and it's starting to wear on me. Going outside is not an option, but it doesn't stop me from longing for fresh air. Sitting at the window seat in my room, I watch the sky turn grey. It's going to be snowing soon. I wonder if the troops are prepared for that? I know they trained in heat and rain, but it never snowed while we were in 13. There's been little to no news about the rebel camps. It worries me on some levels, but at the same time, I know if Peeta, Gale or Finnick had been captured, we would hear about it. No information is better than knowing they're dead.

A soft knock at my door tears my eyes away from the greying sky. Zelda stands in the frame, a small smile on her lips. "We've just had word that the rebels have released new propaganda videos." I nod and she smiles wider. "They're safe."

Relief floods me and I could almost hug her. "Thank you." Glancing back out the window, I can see the snow has already begun to fall.

"I know you don't like being locked up here all the time." Her voice is soft, kind. "This will all be over soon." I look back at her and she nods, but I feel like it's more of a confirmation to herself than to me. She says something about going to make tea and walks back downstairs.

I honestly like these people. I wasn't sure that would. The thought of a 'capitol rebel' is still foreign to me, but the Doyles really seem down to earth in a way no Capitol citizen ever has. Except Cinna.

The crash downstairs carries me off the window seat. I step quietly into the hall and walk to the stairs, trying to see what's happened. Zelda is nowhere in sight, but I wouldn't be able to see her if she made it to the kitchen. Harsh voices reach my ears, followed by the sound of a heavy object making contact with skin.

"Check upstairs! She's in here somewhere." I don't recognize the rough voice.

Immediately, I rush back to my room and lock the door. I don't have much time. There are only three other rooms to check on this floor.  _I need a way out… I need a way out…_  My eyes land on the window. It's a risk, being on the second floor, but if I can make it to the tree just outside I could climb down. I can hear heavy footsteps on the stairs; I'm running out of time. Quickly, I move to the window and try to open it. This proves much harder than I thought. It seems like they've never opened it before. Out in the hall, someone slams a door. I throw all my strength into this and finally get the window open. Another door slams. Just as I've got my legs out the window, my door swings open easily. I look back, a mistake. The man standing in the frame smirks as he sees me. He's huge and holding a military gun.

He reaches me fast, moving quicker than I thought a man that size could. Seizing me by the arms, he pulls me back into the room. "Well," he practically hisses. I'm forced to stand straight in front of him, and the way his eyes rake over me makes me feel sick. Hunger is all I see in the dark pools. He tilts his head slightly. "Now, the girl we're looking for has dark hair…" In a manner I'm sure he thinks is close to loving, he runs his fingers through my hair and pulls. The wig falls away, revealing the trick. "Perfect."

Somewhere, someone laughs and a blindfold blinds me. I'm pulled roughly from the room. I kick and scratch at my captor, but it has no effect other than slowly him slightly. Once we're downstairs, I hear even more voices. They're talking, but I can't make out anything in my fear. The sharp smell of blood hits me and the mix of knowing who it belongs to and my over sensitive nose makes me throw up. The man holding me drops me immediately.

Someone groans and another man laughs. "Just knock her out, we need to get moving. He wants her back before the broadcast."

_Broadcast?_  I fumble with the blindfold, getting it up in time to see someone approaching me with a needle. A clench my hands into fists and lash out at the man, but the needle pierces my skin anyway. I feel fire at the entrance point, then darkness.

It's freezing. The floor under me is hard stone that's sucking away my body heat. My hands are cuffed. I struggle against the metal but it just digs into my wrists. I push myself up and press my back against the wall. There are no windows and the only door looks too solid to even try and escape. I can hear voices outside the room, angry voices. The doorknob starts to turn and I curl myself up as small as I can against the back wall.

I'm expecting one of the guards, but the sight of the man who enters my room makes my anger flare and fear dissipate. President Snow smiles when he walks through the door. I narrow my eyes when he crouches down in front of me.

"Miss Everdeen. I must say it's a great pleasure to have you as a guest in the Capitol again." He smirks. "Our citizens have certainly missed you, Mockingjay." I don't show any sign of nervousness, he doesn't get to have that. He stares into my eyes for a few minutes then his gaze drops to my stomach. I wrap my arms around me as best I can with the handcuffs but the look in his eyes when his meet mine again tells me he's already known about this. He shakes his head. "I guess Mr. Mellark can't be called a complete liar, can he?"

I clench my fingers, my nails dig into my palms. "What do you want with me?"

His smile darkens. "It's simple, really. I want you to call down the rebellion. We are dreadfully close to losing this war and I cannot have that. You are going to finish what Mr. Mellark started and you're going to do it the right way."

"And what's the right way?"

He just looks at me for a moment. "Exposing the lies. You tell the citizens what really has been happening. Tell them the truth about you and your dearest Peeta."

I scoff. "That won't stop you from losing this war and you know it."

The smirk hasn't left his lips when he says, "You have no idea how much the rebels depend on the lies you told. You are the Mockingjay because they built you to be so. The Districts are warring because they believed every single thing you told them. Exposing your lies will certainly cause them to question you and when the Mockingjay is gone, what do they have left to believe in?"

I find it hard to fully believe his words, but I do know that I'm important to the rebel cause. "And if I refuse?"

He stands and straightens his clothes before quietly saying, "I will make certain that you never have to face the frightening reality of motherhood."

I swallow hard and stay silent as he turns and leaves the room. The lock clicks loudly into place and I know I'm trapped. Snow's threat is still ringing in my ears…  _He doesn't operate like that… He wouldn't kill a baby just out of revenge…_  I lay down and curl myself up as much as I can and close my eyes. I'm drifting to sleep when the meaning of Snow's words hits me - He won't be killing a child… in his mind, this baby doesn't mean anything. He'll get rid of it and then watch me fall apart from the pain. He'll watch as Peeta and I both fall from the rebellion and the momentum we've given them will be destroyed. I feel like no matter what I do, my actions will have a negative effect on someone.

I curl my fingers into a fist and let my nails dig into my palm. I'll have to agree to this. They won't believe my words… They'll know that I'm being forced to say these things.  _Won't they?_

Snow doesn't return to my cell that night. I manage to get a small amount of sleep even though the only comfort I have is the stone floor. It's early when someone comes into the cell. I'm pulled roughly from the ground and, even though I don't struggle, they treat me like I'm going to attack them at any moment. They lead me up several sets of stairs and I realize once we reach the top landing that I've been housed below Snow's mansion. The guards lead me into a large room that holds a giant television and one chair in front of it. They sit me in the chair, take off my handcuffs and then leave the room. I'm twisting my wrist in my hand, assessing the damage done to my skin, when the television flickers on.

The scene that greets me makes my breath catch in my throat and my stomach twist in knots. Peeta, Gale, Finnick and the rest of the group traveling with them are running down the streets from absolute terrors… There's a giant black wave gaining ground on them and bodies litter the ground. I don't even know how to make sense of this, all I know is that this could really be the end of the most important people in my life. I'm biting my lip hard enough to draw blood when they take refuge in a line of apartment buildings, I can't stop the small scream the escapes me when those same apartments explode.

"No!"

I'm breathing so heavy I don't even hear him approach, but when President Snow steps in front of me the satisfied smile on his face makes me sick. He turns toward the screen, which is replaying the explosion, then looks back at me. He tilts his head. "Peeta is not the only person capable of lying to a nation."

My eyes widen. "They're alive?"

He nods. "For now." My chest tightens even more. "If you cooperate with me, I'll make sure they stay alive."

I glare at him. "What do you want me to do?"

He smirks and leans his face close to mine. "Break him."


	8. Old Ghosts

I’m not returned to the holding cell, but instead directed to one of the main floors of the mansion and into a large room. It’s luxurious and was, perhaps, used to house any number of important Capitol people, but now will be my new prison. I glance back at the guards as they close and lock the door, trapping me in this room. This feels all wrong to me, and I wish desperately that I was back in that darkened cell with cement floors - I’d rather be there than sleeping on an oversized bed that only represents my submission to the Captiol’s plan.

I close my eyes, lean back against the door and slide down to the carpet. Is this what he would have had me do? Lie to the nation to keep myself safe?

 _You aren’t just keeping_  yourself  _safe. You’re protecting him and the baby._   _He will know and understand that._

My fingers dig into the carpet below me and I nod. Whatever they make me do, he’ll know it’s for this…

I’m largely left alone in this room. Three times each day, a guard brings me meals and that is the only real human interaction I get.  _Not that I even speak to them._  No one tells me what’s going on, no one mentions Peeta or the rest of his group when they come here. I wasn’t expecting to get any real updates, but I honestly thought the guards would at least enjoy taunting me with it any news of death. In the long run, no news is probably good news and I should be happy for that small ray of hope, but hope isn’t something I can really count on. Hope doesn’t get me out of this place and hope doesn’t find Peeta alive and unharmed.

Three days pass without so much of a word from anyone and I’m starting to go a little stir crazy being confined to this space. I have amenities, and that’s more than I really thought I could count on, but after spending almost every hour pacing or sleeping, I’m itching to just get out of here.

On the fourth day of my captivity, the door opens at an odd time and I sit up a little straighter on the bed. I’m fully expecting to see Snow walk through that door to give me instructions on how I will carry out the destruction of the rebel cause from a posh room in his mansion. I’ve opened my mouth to spit out some remark about his “plan” when the figure crossing the threshold stops any sound from escaping. My eyes widen as I take in the sight of the one man I thought I would never see again in my life: Cinna.

He’s definitely seen better days, but he still wears the black clothing that I remember, the only thing missing is his trademark gold eyeliner. I catch myself honestly wishing he was wearing it and push the thought out of my mind,  _Cinna is still alive._

I stand and slowly walk toward him. He gently shuts the door and I throw myself into his arms before even pausing to think. “You’re alive.” I can hear the tremor in my voice and know tears will be arriving soon but I don’t care. “How are you alive? I saw them drag you out…” I look up and our eyes meet. He should have said something by now, and his silence is disturbing to me.  _No…_  I back away and shake my head. “No. Please no…”

He gives me a sad smile and nods his head, knowing I’ve figured out what they’ve done. Wonderful, amazing Cinna has been turned into an Avox for his crimes against the Capitol. Crimes he committed to seal my position as the Mockingjay for this uprising. Suddenly, I hate everyone. It isn’t just the Capitol anymore, they turned him into this, yes, but it’s the Rebellion that caused this fate. No one around me is ever safe. I should have known if Cinna wasn’t dead, he would have to face some kind of sick torture like this. Forever silent.

I turn away from him, afraid I’m going to be sick, and stare at the deep red of the carpeting. I don’t jump when I feel his gentle hands press onto my shoulders, and I allow him to turn me back around. His eyes are not filled with the anger or contempt I would feel facing the person that caused my voice to be taken away. No, Cinna is the most beautiful person I’ve ever met and he would never look at me that way.  _"I channel my emotions into my work. That way, I don’t hurt anyone but myself."_  He must have known something like this would happen, he’s accepted his fate and I can tell by the way his eyes bore into mine that he wants me to know it isn’t my fault.

"But it is…" I turn my head away from him. "This is all my fault. My district was burned, Peeta was taken captive and you’ve been muted because of  _me_.” He places his fingers under my chin and turns my head back so I look at him once again. His eyes are gentle and hold all the words he can no longer say,  _"Don’t worry about this. I’m fine, we need to concentrate on you."_

"I’m sorry," I offer lamely. He shakes his head and places a hand against his chest, signaling that it doesn’t matter. I bite my lip to keep from saying something else about how much I blame myself, but I know he will never accept that. He won’t place the blame on me for anything, not even his own mutilation.

I smile ruefully to myself. Snow has certainly played this situation out the best way he could. Capture me and put me in a situation where I’ll have to try my best to destroy the boy I love, father to my child, or allow Snow to abort the baby and watch me suffer more from the cold hands of the Capitol. I’ve agreed to do what he wants, but why make this easy on me? Yes, send in the man I thought was dead and show me how far his power reaches, how I’m truly a plaything for the Capitol audience.

Cinna will just be prepping me for yet another arena.

Despite being kept away from people for the past few days, despite the feeling of absolute loneliness that had begun creeping up, I can’t bring myself to really speak to Cinna. I watch in the mirror as his finger glide just as gracefully as ever across my hair and face, but I can’t make myself talk. I stare at his reflection and try not to let any emotions show through when his eyes meet mine.

He dresses me in a relatively simple dress of deep purple that falls just below my knees. I’m inwardly shocked that they’ve made no effort to hide my stomach, but I should have known that Snow would want the world to see what’s going on. It’s this that gives me an indication of how he wants this interview to be played.  _"Break him."_  I look away from my reflection, not wanting to see the look of determination on my face, not wanting to be disgusted with myself for what I’m about to do. I’ve gone through enough self-pity to last a lifetime. It ends now.

Cinna steps in front of me and pushes back strands of hair that falls across the right side of my face and clips it back. He lets out a sigh as he takes in my appearance and I can tell he’s trying not to frown. His eyes linger on my stomach, but I act like I haven’t noticed and stare straight ahead. I have no desire to explain to this man what’s happened. He’ll find out soon anyway. He will at least not be fooled by my interview; he’ll know the truth.

The door opens behind me,  _it must be time._  Cinna places a hand on my shoulder and looks into my eyes. He gives me a small smile and taps his fingers gently under my chin.  _"Head high."_  I force myself to show no emotion as I turn toward the guard who will be taking me to the interview. They’ve made arrangements for Caesar to conduct this special interview with me directly from Snow’s mansion, as a “service” to me. I had to bite my tongue to not laugh when they told me that’s what they were telling the nation.  _How stupid do they think we are?_

The interview will be held in one of Snow’s libraries, one conveniently not far from my plush prison. The man himself is waiting for me outside the door. He nods toward my guard and I’m left alone with him. I watch as the man who controls every bit of my life walks a circle around me, probably checking for any surprises my wardrobe may be hiding.

"There won’t be wings this time." My voice is colder than I expected, even with my current company.

He stops in front of me again. “Can never be too sure, Miss Everdeen. I’m sure you were pleased to have your stylist again? Mr. Mellark seemed to enjoy having Portia with him.” He smirks. “It was such a pity she had to die because of your rebellion.”

I shake my head. “I didn’t kill anyone.”

He nods. “Of course not.” He steps closer to me and I’m careful not to react when I smell that repulsive rose scent. His face is very close to mine as he says, “Now, I want you to remember our agreement when you go in there. You are to act the part and be convincing.” He doesn’t have to repeat his threat on the life of my unborn child, it is reflected strong enough in his eyes. I’ve already decided that I won’t risk him making good on that.

I don’t say anything back, there’s nothing left now. The door opens and I’m ushered through. The room has been altered slightly to accommodate Caesar’s small set. It’s the simplest I’ve ever seen, with only two black chairs and a small table with a vase of red and white roses. I can see Caesar standing across the room, talking with a few men wearing crisp suits. Looking at his face, it looks as though he’s completely fine with this situation, but the way he’s tensed and keeping his arms tight to him makes me think otherwise. Caesar Flickerman may have hosted the Hunger Games every year but it doesn’t mean he has no empathy.

"Miss Everdeen?" I jerk away when a hand is placed on my shoulder. "Oh, I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you." I turn around and face a young man, clearly someone who works for Caesar’s show. He has a bemused look on his face, probably pleased with himself for scaring a Victor. I raise my eyebrows to ask what he wants, not wanting to speak because I know my voice will be too harsh if I do. He clears his throat a little. "If you could just stand over here, we’ll be starting soon."

I cringe as the all-to-familiar music of Caesar’s show fills the room. He’s dressed in lilac with some softer makeup than I’m used to seeing him wear. He stands between the two chairs, a huge smile across his face. “Tonight we have a very special guest! From the wonderful home of our dear President Snow, I welcome Miss Katniss Everdeen!”

He extends his hand in my direction. I take in a deep breath and fix my face with a happier-than-should-be-possible expression and make my way toward him. He gives me a hug when I reach him and motions for me to sit down.

"Well, Katniss." He shakes his head, still smiling. "I must say I’m pleased to see you tonight. And in such good health."

I smile indulgently. “Yes. It’s wonderful to see you again too, Caesar. Though, I didn’t think I would.”

"No, there was some doubt." He leans forward in his chair. "Given the rumors about your involvement with the rebellion."

Yes. Here we are, right to the point. At least we didn’t have to dance around it. I sigh. “My involvement with the rebellion.” I shake my head. “Coercion, Caesar.”

He sits back at bit and raises an eyebrow. “You’re saying they forced you into their service?”

I’m sure to look toward the camera. “Yes.”

I’ve thought about this a lot. Snow wants me to break Peeta, I’m guessing he wants his mind to snap so he will attack the people he’s travelling with. The only way I’ll be able to convince anyone that I wasn’t fully behind this rebellion is to lie about the reason I became the Mockingjay. If it was safety of my child, the Capitol will be more than able to sympathize with me, and hopefully the rebellion will see through the vague answers I’m prepared to give tonight. As for Peeta, I just hope he knows what is a lie.

"How could they do that?" I look back at him, keeping my face impassive. "We know they retrieved you from the arena and, if what Peeta told me was true, you had no idea about that plan before entering. Are you saying they took you with the purpose of fashioning you into a martyr?"

"Peeta was telling the truth, we didn’t know about the plan working around us." I take in a breath. "They used my image to fuel their war."

Caesar watches me for a moment. I have no idea how to think of the man sitting in front of me, if he wants to help me or if he’s just doing his job. “What were they doing? To make you cooperate?”

I place my hands on my stomach. “They threatened the life of my child.”

If there was a live audience, Caesar’s words would be drowned out by their gasps and cries of outrage at the audacity and beastliness that the rebels have shown.  _Even though the Capitol knowingly and unknowingly did the same thing just a few months ago._

Instead, I hear him as he asks, “So Peeta wasn’t lying in his interview with me? The one he gave before the Games.”

There’s no need to clarify which interview it was, anyone watching this was made to watch the other one and I’m sure they remember clearly the shocking news Peeta gave. It was so simple when we thought it was a lie.

I shake my head. “He wasn’t. Although we didn’t know then that his words were true.” I pause. This is the moment that I’ve been dreading since Snow told me what had to happen. I’m meant to break Peeta, to bring him to his lowest point. I hope beyond anything that he’ll know this isn’t true. I let a small smirk cross my lips before I say, “Half true, at least.”

Here’s where there would be confused whispering, perhaps even some louder expressions of shock, but with just Caesar in front of me, I can only see as realization dawns in his eyes. He leans forward again. “You mean the baby isn’t Peeta’s?”

I look directly into the camera, as directed, and simply say, “No.”

The room is empty when I’m returned to it. I don’t know why, but I thought I would see Cinna here again.  _Stupid, really._  I’ll probably only see that man again if he’s dressing me for my public execution.

I lie back on the bed and stare up at the ceiling. “What now?”

There’s nothing for me but to wait. Wait and see what news comes tomorrow, wait to see if Snow summons me to see Peeta’s death or Gale’s bloodied form. The baby kicks and I sigh heavily, what a great world to bring her into. Trapped in this hell with no possible way out, her father lost in the city - probably looking for me if he’s seen that broadcast. That’s one good thing that will come from doing the interview. Peeta will know I’m not safe in 13 anymore. He’ll know that I’ve been taken.

Another three days pass before I see anyone other than the guards. I’m sitting up against the headboard of the bed when the door opens and Snow walks through. He has an almost gleeful look on his face as he pulls a chair up next to the bed.

He doesn’t speak for a moment, and then smiles. “You were convincing, thank you.”

I glare at him. “Does that mean I’m being let out of this prison?”

He shakes his head. “Oh no, it means I have something to show you.”

I try not to let my worry show through my voice as I say, “What?” He doesn’t respond, just stands up. “What is it?”

"You’ll see." He motions for me to stand and leads me from the room.

The guards on either side of me are silent as we make our way through the mansion. It’s oddly quiet and it unnerves me. I realize my hands have started to shake. I clasp them together to make it less noticeable; I don’t want Snow to see that he’s gotten to me. I keep my face forward as we walk down the stairs to where I know the cells will be. If he’s leading me here, it can’t be good.

We stop in front of one of the cells, only a small window at the top breaks the solid form of it. My heart is racing, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they could hear it. Snow unlocks the door and turns to face me. “Miss Everdeen, your reward.” He opens the door and I’m pushed inside the cell. I get a short glimpse of the person sitting against the back wall and his blonde hair makes my heart fall for the first time.

When the door closes, it’s completely dark.

"Katniss…" His voice is weak, but he doesn’t sound deranged or as though he’s been tortured.

I can’t say anything. Seeing Peeta here means Snow has won this battle. He’s captured Peeta, my only hope in the Capitol. I stand at the door until my eyes adjust to the lack of light, then walk over to where he sits. I lean down on my knees and place my hands on either side of his face. From what I can see, he looks terrible. There are deep scratches on his cheeks and he has a dark bruise over his right eye.

"Peeta…"


	9. On Our Own

The night is long.

No one comes back to the cell, but the peace only makes me suspicious. There’s no logical reason they’ve brought me to Peeta. Really, it would make more sense to keep us far apart, to make both of us miserable with the knowledge that we’re in the same place but unable to see the other. Peeta is quiet through most of the night, and I can tell he’s exhausted but he won’t allow sleep to take over.

Eventually, I can’t stand the quiet anymore. “They forced me to do the interview,” I keep my voice low in case someone is out there listening.

Peeta doesn’t answer for a moment, his silence deafening. My biggest fear is that he believed the broadcast, was taken in by the lie Snow forced from me. Finally he whispers, “I know, Katniss.” He looks down at me, I can just make out his eyes in the dim light filtering through the window near the top of the cell door. He sighs. “For a minute I…”

"No." My voice is sharper than it has been the past few months. Being broken and alone in 13 made me so weak. Being captured has at least brought back my fire, my will not to just give in. I grip his hand tight. "It’s only you."

He nods. “Gale had to talk me down.” I don’t say anything to that. I’ve no idea how to respond really. Gale had eventually accepted that it was always going to be Peeta and me, but he was far from wanting to offer him any real help. “We couldn’t get away from it.” He shakes his head. “We had taken refuge in this Capitol apartment, no one was there, and without warning, the television turned on. None of us knew what to expect, but as soon as I saw you, I knew it couldn’t be good.” He tenses slightly. “It was the first we heard that you weren’t in 13. I had fooled myself into thinking you were safe there.” He scoffs, “Finnick had to force me from the room. He must have been able to tell I was unstable.” He pauses again and I can tell he’s embarrassed about whatever outburst must have happened.

"Peeta, you don’t have to -"

"No." He moves so that he can look at me. "You need to know, I didn’t do anything to him." He takes a deep breath. "I wanted to."

His shoulders start to shake and I place my hand against his cheek, hoping to convey my understanding without words. Peeta closes his eyes and takes in a shaky breath. “What happened to the others?”

"I don’t know. When we made it deeper into the city, we got separated." I lean back from him, something about his voice makes me doubt those words. He shakes his head slightly, his eyebrows raised, a signal that we’re probably being watched right now and speaking out would be dangerous. "I don’t know where the others went. They only managed to get me."

I nod. “At least you’re safe.”

Something is going on, there’s some greater plan working around me, but Peeta can’t just say it out because of the possibility we’re under guard. What could it be though? How could him being captured be part of the plan? If something were to go wrong, or Snow didn’t want to provide me with this “reward,” he could have been killed. We could both still be killed at any moment. This is all too dangerous…

I settle back against his side, my mind reeling with possibilities of escape. There’s no way we could overcome the guards, we’re both unarmed. Our only hope will be that, somewhere, someone is planning our rescue. I know Gale and Finnick will not leave us to die, they will try to get us out of here. Peeta wraps his arm back around my shoulders, pulling me close. What does he know that he can’t tell me?

There’s a loud noise somewhere above us and I snap awake. I don’t even remember falling asleep. How long has it been?

I look up at Peeta. His eye are open, alert. “What was that?”

Peeta doesn’t respond, just shakes his head and places a finger against his lips. He pulls himself up and walks toward the door, making sure to keep his body positioned directly in front of me. He places his ear against the door then leans up to look out the window. A few moments go by before he looks back, but I can’t read his expression.

He walks back to me, pulls me off the ground and whispers, “Someone’s out there. We need to be ready if something happens.”

I nod, unable to think of something to say. Either this means our death, or we will be free of this prison soon. Peeta takes my hand lightly in his. I tighten the hold and when he looks at me, I try to convey that I don’t want him to let go. Losing Peeta now could spell the end of what little strength I have left.

He squeezes my hand and says urgently. “Whatever happens, if we get separated -“

"No." I sound desperate, but I’m not leaving him behind.

He closes his eyes and takes in a breath. “Katniss.” I can tell he wants me to take every word seriously, perhaps he knows what’s about to happen, maybe this was all part of the plan. “If we are separated, find a way out of the mansion.” I open my mouth again but he shakes his head. “Find a way out. Don’t worry about me, I want you to be safe.”

Before I can respond, the door to the cell swings open. Peeta steps forward, looking out. He doesn’t turn back to me, as he says, “No one’s out here. Come on.”

Slowly, we make our way to the door that will lead out of the basements, away from these cells. It’s like being in the games again, thoughts of any enemy hiding just beyond sight, ready to strike. But we don’t meet anyone. It seems as though the guards have abandoned their posts.  _Has anyone been down here at all tonight?_  We reach the door to the main floors of the mansion and, to my great suspicion, this door is open and unmanned too.

As we ascend the stairs I whisper, “Peeta, what’s going on?”

He doesn’t answer right away, instead concentrates on getting out. I suppose I should too, but I want to know what’s happening. Being out of this has left me feeling lost and disoriented. We make it out of the basement to be greeted with an empty, darkened hallway. It’s eerily quiet, too quiet for an escape to be happening. I know Gale and the others must be here. This was the plan all along. Peeta gets captured, finds me and the others cause enough distraction to get us out of wherever we’re trapped. But how could they have caused all the guards to leave their posts? What kind of new danger are Gale and Finnick in now? What are the odds that we’ll all make it out of here alive?

_Footsteps._

Peeta stops halfway down the hall, and I’m sure we’ve both heard them. They’re unmistakable on the wood floors. Peeta pulls me into an open door and shuts it softly behind him. I look around, hoping we haven’t just walked into a trap, but the room is deserted.

"Tell me what you’ve planned." My gaze is hard as he turns to face me.

"It’s simple, really." He puts his hands on my shoulders. "13 is moving into the city. The group I was with infiltrated the mansion. I’m getting you out."

The sound of footsteps near our door causes my heart to stop. I look down and see that shadows have paused outside. I find Peeta’s hand and grip it tight, we’re at such a disadvantage here… We have no weapons and no clear way out. I feel Peeta tense beside me as the doorknob turns.

"Peeta?" A familiar voice hisses his name and I let out a long breath. Finnick steps into the room and I have to stop myself from wrapping my arms around him. Seeing him here is so unbelievably amazing. He doesn’t waste time filling Peeta in. "The guards are pouring into the city centre and I haven’t seen Snow at all."

Peeta nods. “That must mean we were right. He’s going to try to run.”

"Shouldn’t we stop him?" They both look at me, frowning.

"We’re getting you out of here," Peeta answers.

"But if he’s just hiding here, we can end this! We can stop him!" I can’t help that my voice raises and Finnick automatically reaches forward to cover my mouth.

He shakes his head. “No, Katniss. We need to get out of the mansion, fast. There are still guards here, protecting Snow, walking the halls.” I glare at him, my anger rising quickly. How can we just leave without even trying to find him?

Rough voices make all of us jump. “Check downstairs, they could have gone down there looking for those two.”

Finnick lowers his hand, knowing I won’t raise my voice again. They know someone is here and soon, they’ll know Peeta and I have escaped. The cells unlocking must have been the doing of our rescue group. Finnick turns back to the door and looks out. After a moment he waves us forward, the hall must be clear again. We move as fast as we dare, trying not to make any noise.

We’re on ground level, but there are so many turns that none of us are sure of how to get out. Peeta pulls me to a stop next to a window that looks out into the side yard. He nods to Finnick and forces the window open. I climb out first, looking around the yard as my feet hit the ground. Just as Finnick is placing his feet on the ground, I see them. Peacekeepers come flooding out a door about 50 yards away.

"Get her out!" Finnick grabs my hand before Peeta is even finished and we rush toward the wall surrounding the mansion. I look back at the window as Finnick hoists me up and can no longer see Peeta.

"Katniss, go!" I look down, the Peacekeepers are pulling out their weapons, aiming directly at Finnick.

I try to force down my fear that Peeta isn’t going to make it and climb over the top of the wall. Finnick pulls himself up and over just as the Peacekeepers open fire on us. We run down the tight alley, heading away from the sound of the City Centre. It’s dark out and snow is falling everywhere, making it incredibly hard to see. I can do nothing but trust where Finnick is guiding me, hoping they’ve planned this enough to have a detailed escape route. He takes me through a complicated maze, pulling me along behind him through alley after alley. When he finally slows to a stop, we’re at an entrance to the City Centre. Capitol citizens are everywhere. I step forward, across from us is the entrance to Snow’s mansion, we must have made our way around it, to the opposite side of the street.

"Katniss, don’t go out there, we have to wait here," Finnick warns me but I’ve spotted something strange directly outside of Snow’s mansion. Moving a little closer to the street, I can see what it is - a barricade, and behind it, children.  _Capitol children._  My eyes widen at the sight, Snow has children from the Capitol blocked off? As what? A shield for the mansion?

"What is he playing at?" My voice is low, filled with hate. Finnick steps up beside me, looking at the strange sight. I look up at him. "He’s using them as insurance? So the rebels won’t fire on the mansion?"

Finnick nods. “It looks that way…”

I can tell by his tone that he’s disgusted with this as well. What kind of person would do this? As lowly as Snow can be, I never imagined he would do something like this.

Without warning, Gale appears beside us. He’s out of breath and holding two guns. He tosses one to Finnick and then turns his eyes on me. They’re hard, tired… He nods as he does a silent examination of me, checking for any obvious injury, before turning back to Finnick.

"Where’s Peeta?" Finnick shakes his head and Gale glances down at me. "He’ll find his way out. The others are still inside, they can get him."

Screaming coming from the City Centre alerts us to new danger. We rush toward the sound and chaos appears before us. People are running all over, shouting and begging to be let into buildings. Immediately, I realize why. Peacekeepers are everywhere, shooting into the crowd at random.

"Why are they shooting their own citizens?" Gale doesn’t answer, just points toward the opening to the Centre. The road that leads directly to the mansion, where I rode into the games twice, is dotted with soldiers from District 13. They’ve made it into the city, they’ve made it to the mansion. This war is soon going to end, but at what cost?

"We need to keep moving." Gale looks at me, clearly conflicted about dragging me into an active battlefield. He nods toward Finnick. "Keep her covered."

I’m about to snap at him, to tell him I’m more than capable of taking care of myself, when I realize those orders have more likely come from Peeta. He would have anticipated not making it out of the mansion himself and made sure I would be safe until the very end.

Finnick nods and we move out into the street. He sticks close to me, but the crowd is so thick, it’s hard to go anywhere. I lose Gale only a few paces from the alley. “Gale!”

Finnick grabs my shoulders and brings me to the ground as more gunfire shoots through the crowd. “He’ll be alright.” I suddenly feel as though staying trapped in the mansion was safer. Getting me out has risked more than leaving me in that cell.

There’s a loud crack followed by the loudest screams I’ve ever heard and I think the world is ripped apart. All around us, people are falling to the ground, dead. We start moving as quick as we can through the crowd, but I trip just as we reach the nearest sidewalk. I turn before I hit the ground and land hard on my right shoulder. Finnick pulls me off the sidewalk, out of the way of the crowd.

"Are you ok?" He brings me to my feet and carefully runs his fingers over my right shoulder.

I cringe and swat his hand away. “I’m fine.”

I’m thrown into Finnick before he can say anything. The very ground is shaking, and a loud grinding noise brings my attention away from my pain and back to the street. True terror meets my eyes. The City Centre has split in two; the middle has literally fallen in, sending so many people falling into the depths. I can’t imagine what’s waiting for them there. Finnick and I are barely safe where we stand, pressed against the side of a building. One of his hands grips the lamppost beside him, the other holds tight to me, and I don’t dare loose my arms around his waist.

Every minute is accented with new screams. I can’t tell how long it lasts, but it’s all horrible.

When the street finally comes back together, Finnick releases his hold on me. I turn back toward the Centre, staring as the remaining people scramble to their feet and run toward their friends and loved ones. My eyes land on the barricaded children across from us, they seem to still be ok. Scared and shocked, but not harmed. I look back at Finnick and he seems to know I need to be closer. We start across the Centre but come up short when a hovercraft appears above the children. Slowly, silver parachutes begin to fall over the barricade.

At first, the children look confused. They know what these are for; they’ve seen the Games enough to know these are friendly offerings. It only takes one, though, for this gift to turn deadly.

Bombs. Once one parachute is opened, explosions go off, killing several and injuring most. I’m frozen in place as I watch the remaining children stare at the silver-coloured danger. I can tell, even from this distance that none of them are sure of what to do. Could all of those parachutes have bombs in them?

Just as I’m about to move, another hovercraft appears. It’s not marked with the Capitol seal, indicating that it’s part of the rebellion. Medics dash from the craft, toward the children.

It happens so fast, I nearly miss it, but I still see her… The flash of a blonde braid, the back of her uniform is untucked, forming the ducktail. “Prim,” I whisper. I start moving, somewhere in my mind I can see what’s going to happen. This is a trap for the rebels.

"Prim!" She turns and looks at me, confused by why I’m here. She mouths my name as fire erupts behind her. "No!"

I try to rush forward but Finnick holds me back. I try to get out of his grip, I have to save her, Prim can’t die here. Suddenly, Prim is thrown forward. I’m confused, and then I see him. Gale. He tries to follow, but he’s knocked to the ground when a piece of the cement barricade lands on him. His eyes lock on mine instantly and for what will be the last time. I don’t want to look away, I will never see those eyes that reflect so much of my childhood in them, but just as Prim reaches me, just as Finnick pulls me completely to him, we’re knocked off the ground by another blast and Gale is gone forever.


	10. Those Left Behind Part I

The world ends.

Or, at least, it should. The entire world should stop because Gale Hawthorne, the boy who made me keep going through all my doubts, the boy who helped me survive for so many years, is gone. I look down and can see Prim crying as she clings to me, but I can’t hear her. I can’t hear anything. The whole of the City Centre has gone quiet but for the sound of my own heartbeat.

"Katniss."

Finnick’s voice seems so far away, muffled by the pounding in my ears. I shake my head as he tries to pull me away from the scene. We should move, should get off the street, but how can I leave? How can I leave my best friend to the fire of this horrible place?

I try to move forward, to reach him, but Finnick still holds me back. “Let me go!” I shout at him, trying to pull myself free of his grip. Stabbing pain shoots through my arm, but I ignore it. The fall I took, the injury I’ve sustained, is nothing compared to Gale’s sacrifice.

"He’s gone, Katniss! You can’t do anything for him, and dying right now wouldn’t do us any good!" His grip on my arm tightens and he finally pulls me away.

Tears sting my eyes and threaten to spill over, but I can’t blink. If I blink, he’ll be out of my sight and truly gone forever. Gunfire suddenly picks up and I know we will have to move or be caught up in the fighting.

I let Finnick lead me away from the Centre and, very slowly, I turn my head away from the spot where Gale disappeared. Tears are falling freely now and I don’t even try to stop them or hide them.

We duck into an alley just as soldiers from the Capitol begin running down the street we were just standing in, putting up a last defense against the rebels.

"We need to get out of here, away from the city." Finnick’s voice is calm and measured, clearly he’s talking through a plan that’s already been agreed upon. This whole mission was so carefully planned. "How is your shoulder?"

I try to say it’s fine, try to say anything, but the only thing that escapes my mouth is a soft cry of pain. It’s like nothing I’ve felt before, the intense pain that stabs at my abdomen and causes me to double over, falling down to my knees. Finnick catches me before I hit the ground and, when I look up at him, I see panic in his eyes.

"What’s wrong?"

I shake my head. “I don’t know…” Another streak of pain and I grip at his arms so tight he winces.

"We need to get her to a hospital." Prim’s voice sounds so far away despite how close she is. I look to her and frown as the world behind her starts to fade and grow darker where a moment ago, the city was alight with fire.

"The training center isn’t far from here. We’ve got to get her there. Quickly." Finnick begins to lift me from the ground, but the movement makes me feel sick. I must say something, but I don’t know what, because Finnick shakes his head and says, "It doesn’t matter. They’ll help you whether or not the Capitol has fallen."

"Finnick… No…" I can’t walk, can’t move for the pain. Finnick picks me up and starts moving quickly down the alley, away from the noise of the Centre. I groan and bury my head against his chest. A towering building comes into view as we emerge from the alley and we head straight for it. Everything around me is getting darker and darker.

"We need a medic," Finnick shouts as we near the building. I manage to move my head and see that there’s someone standing outside. They aren’t wearing the grey uniform of the rebellion, but rather some lavish outfit that screams Capitol. They clearly recognize us and I’m surprised when they move out of the way, giving Finnick entrance into the Training Center. "You’re going to be fine, Katniss."

"Take her through there, Mr. Odair," a strange voice speaks out, echoing across the empty lobby.

I have a blurred glance at a high ceiling filled with shimmering lights before my vision goes completely dark.

“ _Now I know how you felt, the day before the reaping.” I frown at Gale’s words, remembering clearly the day I said what, I thought, would be the last words ever spoken to my best friend. He laughs softly. “At least you thought of something to say._

“ _Gale…”_

_He shakes his head, a determined look in his eye. “No, I need to get this out.” He takes a deep breath and says, “You told me you were better off knowing me, but I don’t think you ever understood how much better you made me. How knowing_ you _made my life better.”_

_I scoff, “Yes. Knowing me allowed President Snow to see you as a target. Knowing me has gotten you trapped down here. Knowing me has forced you to participate in this war.” The list of hardships I’ve caused him could go on so long._

_He’s quiet after my words, clearly unsure of what to say to those statements. They are true, however much we want to ignore them, they are the truth. I start to feel sick suddenly, the prospect of losing the person in front of me make my stomach turn. I let Gale believe it’s something with the baby to get away from this moment of goodbye._

_I’m standing at the door, about to leave the hummingbird room, when I turn back to look at him. He doesn’t look sad or broken or even scared at what he’s about to face. Then, of course, Gale wouldn’t. He is brave and, I know, he will show no weakness in this. Our eyes meet and I can’t stop myself. I rush forward and wrap my arms around him._

“ _I want you safe,” I whisper, demand, beg…_

_Gale nods and hugs me tight. “I will see you again, Catnip.”_

My eyes struggle to focus, as a bright light flickers on somewhere overhead. I turn my head and see blurry figures surrounding me. “She’s awake. Good.” One of the figures flashes a light in my eyes and I groan.

I bring my arm up and cover my face. “What’s happening?”

"You’ve gone into labor."

I sit up, my eyes wide. “What?” I shake my head. “No. Not now.”

One of the nurses looks at me, a frown on her face. “You’ll be fine, Miss Everdeen. The Capitol is known for it’s medical facilities.”

"Strangely that doesn’t bring me much comfort." Someone laughs softly beside me and I turn only to see Finnick standing there, arms crossed and a small smirk on his lips. I’m pleased for a moment before I realize he’s here because Peeta isn’t. Panic settles into my chest again. "Where’s Peeta?"

Finnick frowns slightly. “I don’t know, Katniss. He will come here, to the Training Center. It was the meeting place.”

My heart speeds up and I look away from Finnick. They don’t know where Peeta is. He could be dead in the City Centre, taken by guards of the Capitol, shot down by one of the rebel soldiers… The only bright spot in this bleak war, and I’ve lost him. I’ve lost him so many times. How can I do this without him? How can this happen without him?

A beeping sound goes off and the nurses descend on me once again. “Just take deep breaths, Miss Everdeen. You need to keep calm.” I can’t though; I can’t keep calm when it feels like everything is falling apart. The nurse looks up at Finnick in an almost pleading way. “If her heart rate gets too high, she’ll fade out again. The medicine for her shoulder seems to have a reaction when she’s panicking, and we need her to be alert for the birth.”

My head is spinning, the room is blurring once again. From a distance, I can hear someone shouting my name.

_Our stop in District 4 has been nearly enjoyable. Despite the memories of dead tributes invading my dreams and Snow’s threat hanging over me throughout the day, the waves and the breeze coming across the ocean brings a certain calm to me._

_The party held in our honor is burning. A horrible mix of the humid air and not nearly enough space. There are so many people, so much noise, and I can’t stand the feeling of suffocation that comes at the center of all the conversation. I excuse myself, as politely as Effie had taught me, and make my way to an empty terrace that opens onto the sand._

_It is a beautiful sight, the moon reflecting off the ocean. Leaving the noise of the party behind, I move forward onto the beach. I slip my shoes off, enjoying the feel of soft sand beneath my feet. Before too long, someone finds me. I can feel the sand shifting as they walk closer to me. I’m prepared for a lecture from Effie, but when I turn around, it’s Peeta standing alone, a smile on his lips._

“ _It was getting too stuffy in there,” he says as he steps up beside me. “I hope you don’t mind the company.”_

_I give him a small smile. “We’ll have to go back soon. They’ll notice if we aren’t there.”_

_He shrugs his shoulders slightly. “Or they’ll think we’ve snuck off somewhere.”_

_The statement gives me pause even though we’ve been playing that part the last few stops. We make an appearance at an event, then make a show of trying to sneak away together. I try to say something back, but the words get caught in my throat. That’s been happening more lately, my inability to speak where Peeta is involved._

_I take a deep breath and lean my head against his shoulder. “Maybe we should,” I whisper as he puts an arm around my waist. “Get in a boat and just sail away.”_

_Peeta rests his head against mine. “Maybe we should.”_

_I’ve never heard him say anything like that before, and I look up at him. Our eyes meet and I can see how worn his is by everything… Our act, the games, the people on this tour… Out of the corner of my eye I can see people gathering on the terrace, someone has a camera._

“ _They’re filming us,” I whisper._

_He glances back toward the terrace and frowns when he looks back at me. “I don’t think they ever stop.” There’s a moment, before he places the fixed smile back on his lips, when we just look at each other, and I can see how much he hates this clearly in his eyes. It’s gone in a flash, though and the audience’s Peeta is standing before me._

“ _Peeta…” I begin, but I don’t know what to say. I want to apologize. To tell him how sorry I am that he has to wear that fake smile when his own is perfect enough. He raises an eyebrow and I just shake my head, letting the moment pass. I reach out and take his hand as we walk back to the party._

Every part of my body aches. Tears are blurring my vision, threatening to spill over, but they’re not from the pain. Peeta’s hand shakes slightly on my shoulder as he watches the nurse take the baby. I can hear her shrill cry as the nurses fuss over getting her clean and running tests. She’s over a month early and there could be any number of complications from the way I’ve been living since the Quell.

Peeta wraps his arm around my shoulders and whispers, “She’s ok. She’s going to be ok.” I can’t tell if the words are meant for me, or are more of a hopeful mantra that his daughter will survive these first moments in this world. I don’t respond. I don’t even look at him. Either he doesn’t notice or doesn’t want to face the reason because he makes no effort to address it.

Seconds, minutes or hours could have passed by, I don’t know. All I hear is the crying, all I can think about it how I’ve brought this child into an awful world, an awful life. The Capitol may have fallen, but will what replaces it really be any better? Will she even have a chance at a normal life? The daughter of two victors who bear so much more than just physical scars. I take in a shaking breath,  _what have I done?_

"Katniss," a nurse’s voice reaches my ears over the baby’s cries. "Katniss, do you want to hold her?"

I can feel everyone’s eyes on me, but I keep my own fixed in the other direction. I can’t bring myself to look at this baby. Shaking my head, I grip Peeta’s hand, hoping he will understand that I can’t do this right now. He’s frowning, I can feel it, trying very hard to not show his confused disappointment, but he still presses a kiss to the top of my head before getting up to speak with the nurses. Perhaps he holds her, he’s her father, of course, I close my eyes against the idea, and keep them firmly shut until I can’t hear the sound of nurses or a crying baby anymore.

When I’m finally alone, I let the tears fall freely.

Peeta returns mere minutes after everyone has left the room and I hate myself for being glad he hasn’t brought her back with him. What kind of mother feels this way? Doesn’t want to hold or even see their child? I shouldn’t have ever had children, I never wanted to… I look up at Peeta, he’s just watching me, his features free of any expression, any hint to how he’s feeling right now.

"I understand," he whispers as he sits down beside me once more. He shouldn’t have to understand this, it shouldn’t even be happening. Not for the first time, Haymitch’s words echo in my head,  _"You could live a thousand lifetimes and never deserve that boy."_

I shake my head and open my mouth to speak, but all that comes out is a stifled sob. I lay back and cover my face. Slowly, almost cautiously, Peeta pulls me to him, wrapping his arms around me. He doesn’t speak, just holds me close and lets me cry. I’m not this person, the one who cries and can’t keep their emotions under control, but today I am. I’ve lost my best friend and brought a new person into a world filled with fire and hate.

"She’ll never be safe," I whisper against Peeta’s chest. "They’ll want to use her against us." I can’t look at him, can’t face the sadness or disappointment I might see in his eyes.

He takes a moment to respond, thinking over my words. “The war’s over, Katniss. There won’t be another Hunger Games. She’ll be safe, we’ll all be safe.” I look up at him then, meeting his eyes. I find no hurt behind their brilliant blue, only concern and love. He slowly tucks a strand of hair behind my ear, letting his hand fall and rest softly against my neck. I open my mouth to respond, to voice my doubts that I could ever believe in anything like safety after everything we’ve been through, to question how he can so easily accept that we’ll ever just be left alone. But he doesn’t let me speak. He presses his lips to mine in a quick kiss, then pulls me back against his chest. “Just think about it.”

I know he doesn’t mean to think about safety or a peaceful life somewhere outside the Capitol. He means to think about our daughter, the one thing in this world that brings us together and isn’t a product of a Capitol-forced romance.

“ _I thought this was what he wanted,” I say to Haymitch as Peeta walks from the room. He’s certainly never kept his feelings for me a secret, so his departure and suddenly icy demeanor throws me._

_Haymitch shakes his head and looks back at me as we hear the door to Peeta’s room close. “He wanted it to be real.” He grabs his tumbler off the low table between us. “Better go practice your surprised look,” he says as he staggers off toward his own room._

_I frown and wrap my arms around my middle. If this were truly up to me, none of us would be in this situation. Peeta and I shouldn’t be forced to get married in a desperate attempt to save our families. We’ve been heading toward this, I suppose, since the berries, since we teamed up in the arena, since Peeta made his dramatic statement in an interview with Caesar. Our lives have been intertwined for so long. Now they will be forever. It’s like Haymitch said, I will never be able to do anything other than live happily ever after with Peeta. It’s what the Capitol wants of us, and if it saves my family then I don’t care what I have to do._

_For a brief moment, Gale’s face enters my mind. A life I could have had with him, a life that could have been attainable mere months ago but is now very far out of reach. But is that really what I want? A life spent with Gale, hunting in the woods, raising a family in the Seam. Because, of course he would want to have a family, he’s already made that rather clear. But I don’t think I could ever be that person._

_Lost in my own thoughts, I don’t hear Peeta as he enters the room. He takes the seat that was previously occupied by Haymitch, facing off against my own. I’m sure he’s expecting me to say something, but I have no idea how to navigate a conversation with my soon-to-be-fiancé._

_After the silence gets to be too much I take a deep breath a say, “I know this is… different from what you wanted.”_

_He looks at me then, our eyes meeting. He watches me for a moment then sighs. “Don’t look at me like that, Katniss.” I’m sure my cheeks go red, but he doesn’t address it. “I know you never wanted to… get married.” He says it with such a mock-disgusted face that I can’t help but laugh a little, earning the first real smile from Peeta in several days. “But maybe it won’t be…”_

_He trails off and I take the opportunity to say, “We’ll make this work.”_

_Peeta just shakes his head and leans back in his chair. “Haymitch is right. They’ll never leave us alone.”_

When I wake up, I’m alone. I’m not sure what woke me. I reach beside me for Peeta’s warmth, but he’s no longer there. Frowning, I sit up. Looking around, it’s clear that Peeta is no longer in the room. Slowly, I turn and push myself out of the bed. I’m expecting my legs to wobble under my weight, to feel some kind of pain after everything, but nothing happens. Like when I woke up after the first Games, I seem to be free of any pain or physical restrictions. I walk to the door, unsure of where I’ll go, and step out into the hallway. It’s quiet, no nurses or attendants in sight. That strikes me as odd, and then I remember we’re the only people in the Training Center. I’m not sure where to go. Peeta could be anywhere really. I turn left and just start walking. It’s nice to be able to walk freely. After being held captive by Snow, I enjoy choosing the direction I take more than I normally would. How quickly you forget simple things.

Just a few paces from my door, I suddenly hear crying. Loud and sad, and it hurts to hear. I stop in front of the door I’m certain it’s coming from, and slowly push it open. A woman stands near the middle of the room, swaying back and forth. She must hear the door open because she turns almost immediately. When her eyes land on me, she smiles.

"She doesn’t seem to want to sleep," the nurse says. I wonder briefly how long the baby’s been crying, why I didn’t hear her from my own room. "She’d probably like to meet you." The nurse’s voice is soft and I don’t hear any judgment in her words.

I don’t move immediately and for a moment I’m not sure I’ll move at all. I may just stand here until the woman goes back to trying to soothe the baby or I could turn and bolt from the room altogether. Just as I’ve decided I really could leave, she’s clearly being taken care of better than I could, the baby lets out a cry that fills me with so much sadness that I can’t stop my feet from moving me forward.

I look at her for a few minutes, set eyes on my daughter for the very first time. “She’s so tiny,” I whisper. She’s smaller than I remember Prim being, smaller than some of the babies born at my house in the Seam. I can’t help but be mesmerized by her. The dark hair covering her head is almost the exact shade of my own, but her eyes are the same bright blue as Peeta’s.

"Do you want to hold her?" I look up at the nurse at those words. They scare me initially, but I actually do want to hold her. I nod and the nurse gently passes her to me. It’s the most frightening and amazing moment of my life. "There. She’s already calmed down."

It’s true. The moment the nurse put her in my arms, her crying quieted down. My heart is beating fast and I can’t keep thinking that any sudden movement will cause me to drop her. I don’t know what to do. The last time I held a baby was when Prim was small, years and years ago.

"I’ll give you a minute." The nurse doesn’t wait for my reply, she just smiles at me and steps out into the hall.

I look down at the bundle in my arms and find her blue eyes staring up at me. Her gaze reminds me so much of the look Peeta gives when he’s unsure about someone. The thought makes me smile. This tiny, pink thing isn’t something for me to fear or wish away. No. She’s part of me. A good part, I hope. And she’s part of Peeta. I understand now, what he wanted me to see hours earlier. Our baby won’t be a pawn used by the Capitol or the rebellion the way we were.

She’s new life moving forward in this new world.

Without much warning, she starts crying again. I look to the door the nurse walked out, expecting her to come back in, but she doesn’t. For a moment, I’m not sure what to do. I’ve never been in this situation before. Carefully, I change how I’m holding her, moving her so that she can rest her head against my shoulder with my hand cradling her easily. I make a few hushing noises, trying to calm her but it doesn’t work.

"Do you want to hear a song?" I whisper. I take a deep breath. I haven’t sung this song since the first arena, since I sang to Rue… But it always helped me find sleep when I was small. Maybe it will for her too.

_Deep in the meadow, under the willow…_

_A bed of grass, a soft green pillow._

_Lay down your head, and close you sleepy eyes,_

_And when you wake, the sun will rise._

_Here it’s safe, here it’s warm…_

_Here the daises guard you from harm._

_Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true._

_Here is the place where I love you._

_Deep in the meadow, hidden far away,_

_A cloak of leave, a moonbeam ray,_

_Forget your woes and let your troubles lay._

_And when again it’s morning, they’ll wash away._

_Here it’s safe, here it’s warm…_

_Here the daises guard you from harm._

_Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true._

_Here is the place where I love you._

I smile when I realize she’s stopped crying. Her deep, even breaths tell me she’s fallen asleep. Slowly, I place her in the bassinet and just watch her for a minute.

"I haven’t heard you sing in a long time." His voice startles me. I didn’t hear him come into the room, and his close proximity causes me to jump a little. Peeta grins and steps beside me so he can see into the bassinet too.

We just watch her for a while. She doesn’t stir, just sleeps, one small hand clutching at her blanket. I look up at Peeta and whisper, “She doesn’t have a name.”

He looks down at me. “Do you have an idea for one?”

We never really discussed what we would name her. Before Peeta arrived it all seemed so far away, so unlikely to actually happen, and he was so lost to me after the rescue that I forced the thoughts from my mind. There really hasn’t been time to think about a name between Peeta’s departure and me being held hostage. Looking at her now, after all that we’ve been through, a name comes to the front of my mind. It’s an old name, one that I haven’t heard in my lifetime but that my mother and father used in stories from the time before the Dark Days. It means life, and that’s what she’s brought to us.

"Ava."


	11. Those Left Behind Part II

They take us back to Snow's mansion three days after the Capitol falls. I wake up screaming every night. Peeta tries to calm me down, but the nightmares are worse than ever and feature all the people I let down, all the people that lost their lives because of me. He tells me it isn't my fault, that I didn't kill anyone, but it's not true. My hands are covered in the blood of my own neighbors from 12, hundreds of people that stood up against the Capitol in my name, the life of my own best friend…

I close my eyes tight, trying to block out the constant image of Gale's eyes before the flames devoured him. He haunts me every night. I wonder if I'll ever be able to sleep without thinking about it. He saved Prim. My sister is here because of him, and I should be happy. I am happy, relieved and so thankful that my sister has survived this war, but the price was steep. When I'm alone, sitting at the window watching the snow cover the ground, I ask myself if I would have done the same to save Rory. I like to think I would.

Giving up on sleep, I gently move Peeta's arm from around my waist and get out of bed as quietly as I can. He sleeps so peacefully lately, and I'm jealous of it. He may still have nightmares, but I never knew when he had them anyway. In the two weeks we've shared a room, he's not woken up in the middle of the night and been unable to fall back into the tendrils of sleep, I feel like I would know. I've not spent a night back in this hell without waking up.

I pull on a jacket that was provided to Peeta, but I always take it from him on these nighttime wanderings. Despite the warmth in the mansion, I always feel cold. My hand is on the door when I hear him. "That's mine, you know." Turning around, I see that my efforts to leave Peeta without his notice have failed. He gives me a knowing look. "Nightmares?" I nod and he frowns, pushing himself off the bed. 

"How do you -" I begin, but he cuts me off with a smile and it's clear he's known about my wanderings since the first night.

"Care for some company tonight?" He walks over to me, pulling the jacket tighter around my shoulders.

We walk in silence for a long while, the only sound in the halls is Peeta's footfalls, a welcome one after all we've been through. We've come across a large bay window set before the grand staircase that leads to the main entrance of the mansion, when Peeta finally breaks the silence.

He's staring out at the falling snow, a faint smile on his lips. "It'd be beautiful if I could forget where we are."

"I don't think forgetting will ever be an option," I whisper. "Too much has happened for us to ever go back." It's true. Peeta and I were both 16 when this began, when the Capitol demanded us to be thrown into the Hunger Games. I thought Prim had been too young, at 12… but I know now that 16 is too young to face what we had to.

I look over at him and see the shadow that's fallen over his eyes. It's not the same one I would see before his episodes in 13; it's something different now. With the end of this war, with what should be peaceful times ahead, Peeta is still worried. We've had brief conversations, when we're left alone and he can convince me to speak. He talks about the meeting's he attends for both of us, about how President Coin seems a little different, a little more power hungry than she did even in 13. "I don't like what she's saying. It's Snow all over again," he said one night before falling asleep. Snow all over again. That's when I started planning.

"I saw you with Ava earlier." Peeta looks over at me. Along with the rest of the world, I've put distance between our daughter and myself. I think, deep down, he understands, but he doesn't want to.

I nod. "I wanted to see her."

Peeta takes my hand in his, and we start on our way back to the room.

* * *

My prep team is quiet as they busy themselves with remaking me for the day's event. They were brought back from District 13 a week ago, but I'm not sure if they're happy about it. While they hated life in 13, being back in the Capitol probably isn't what they thought it would be. The Capitol hasn't been destroyed, far from it really, but what was once a hub of nightlife and high fashion is now as bleak as the grey walls of 13. It didn't surprise me when the preps looked out onto the City Centre and nearly broke into tears. This was their home, and I know what it's like to look upon the ruined state of your home. I don't know how to comfort them, though, so I just stare ahead as they try to bring life back into my appearance.

The past few weeks have been draining on me, and it shows. There are dark circles under my eyes and I'm paler than I ever remember being. The preps have a difficult task of bringing me back to life. It's unnerving, their silence and I almost miss their endless chatter from before the Quell. Venia's hand slips as she pulls back my hair and the long locks fall around my shoulders. I watch her reflection in the mirror for a moment. None of them have fully recovered from what happened to them in 13, and I'm not all that surprised. I shouldn't feel sorry for them, not really, but I do and I can't help it.

I catch Venia's eyes in the mirror. She's broken and her heart must be hurting for her lost home. "I know what it's like," I say without thinking. Slowly, she nods. They aren't words of comfort, but they're all I can offer.

No more words pass between us. They fix my hair in curls that fall past my shoulders, with part of it braided back. My makeup is minimal, just covering the dark under my eyes and bringing color back into my cheeks. The three stand back and admire their work, before leaving the room. I only have to wait a few minutes before the door opens again and Cinna stands in the frame, a soft smile on his lips. There's no hesitation as I rush from my seat and throw my arms around him.

"I'm so glad you're ok," I say as I move back. Cinna nods, still smiling, and places his hands on my shoulders. He looks me over, making sure my hair is still perfect and makeup not smudged.

Cinna helps me into my Mockingjay uniform and I'm somehow glad that he's here to see his creation brought to life. When they showed me the sketchbook, the one thing they had in secret that could have won me over completely, I longed for Cinna to be back with me. Longed to hear his voice again, to watch his deft fingers as they handled the fabric of my dresses. Being alive after this war has to be better than the alternative. Doesn't it?

There's a knock at the door and, unbelievably, Effie Trinket walks into my room. If I thought Cinna was lost, I certainly believed her to be gone forever. Turns out, she was captured and held in a Capitol prison facility. She tells me as she announces another "Big, big, big day." Before I can say goodbye to Cinna, she's ushering me out of the room and down several hallways. She rambles on about this and that, things I couldn't care less about, as if nothing has happened since our last meeting. "Ok, Katniss," she says as we stop outside a nondescript door. For a moment, we just look at each other and I wonder what she's thinking. Is she happy with the fall of the Capitol? Or, like so many citizens, will she resent the rebellion for what they've done? Quietly, she fixes a piece of my hair that's come loose from the braid. "You'll just follow Plutarch's instructions from here." She tries to give me a smile, but can't quite manage and turns away, walking toward another set of stairs.

I push open the door, expecting to find Plutarch and company ready to give me procedure for the event. Instead, what I find is a group consisting of Haymitch, Peeta, Finnick and Annie, Johanna and Beetee, and Enobaria. Frowning, I take an empty seat across from Peeta. "What's this about?"

Haymitch shrugs. "A meeting of the remaining Victors?"

"The remaining…" So, this is yet another price of the war. More destruction. I'm silent as Beetee explains what's happened. When the war began, the Capitol feared more Victors would align themselves with the rebellion and had them killed. The rebellion killed those they thought were with the Capitol.

"And that leaves us," he says sadly.

I can't respond. I don't know how. The senseless violence takes all words from me. I almost understand that Capitol, but the rebellion was supposed to be about peace amongst the districts. Why kill innocent people on the grounds of suspicion alone? It's all so frustrating and, I'll admit, terrifying to think that we've gone through all this to place our safety in the hands of someone else who just wants power. Looking up at Peeta, I can tell he's thinking the same thing.

"Good, you're all here." President Coin's voice is business-like as she walks into the room. "I've called you here to discuss what's to happen now that we've won the Capitol. Today, of course, is Snow's execution, but it seems like the people of Panem want more than that as repayment for how they've had to live for the past 75 years." She pauses and looks around at us all, as if giving us the opportunity to refute their claim to revenge. No one speaks and she continues on, "We've had cries to destroy everyone who held residence in the Capitol, but we simply cannot do that if we want to have a sustainable population." At this, my ears perk. We can't kill everyone in the Capitol because it would destroy our population? Not because it's harsh and unnecessary to kill people who didn't force us to live this way? They're in no means free of guilt, but to kill them for association. It's as disturbing as how the other Victors have been murdered. "So, it falls to you eight to settle the debate. An alternative has been put on the table. As penance for what they've done, there will be a final Hunger Games held this summer using children directly related to those of highest power in the Capitol."

Silence follows her words. I'm sure all of us are slowly turning over what she's just said. Making our decisions instantly.

Peeta speaks up first, "You can't be serious. Isn't this what we've fought to end?" He looks to me, but I remain silent, turning my eyes to the table.

Coin looks at him. "I am very serious. Keep in mind that if the Games are approved, it will not be kept secret that the eight of you made the decision. However, we will not reveal that breakdown of the vote."

"No," Peeta says loudly, determined to make us all see reason. "We can't keep doing this to each other. Punishing people for mistakes they didn't make."

"Why not? We weren't given that same respect." Johanna's eyes are mean as she says, "Snow has a granddaughter. I vote yes."

Enobaria nods. "So do I. Let them see what it's like."

Peeta's growing more and more frustrated, throwing glares at me for not speaking up with him. But I'm not thinking about what it would look like to the rest of Panem. I'm thinking of Gale and how weapons of his own creation destroyed him, because I know that trap was on the wall of Special Defense. I'm thinking about Prim, who could have been lost to me forever. All because of a power play. All because someone else thought they could run the country better than Snow. Doubts about this rebellion have been running through my mind since I woke up in 13. I don't trust the rebels, I don't trust the Capitol.

"I vote yes," I say quietly amid Peeta's pleas for people to see reason. I know he's looking at me in shock and disbelief. "For everyone we lost."

I'm not sure who voted what, but it's down to Haymitch for the deciding word. When my eyes find his, I know he's worked out my reasoning. He knows what's coming next. He probably did before me. Without taking his eyes off me he says, "I'm with the Mockingjay."

"That carries the vote then," Coin says. "Now we really have to take our places for the execution."

Everyone leaves the room, even Peeta. I'll never be able to explain it to him, not in the way that I want. He lost family in this war, lost pieces of himself he'll never get back again and I'm making this choice for him. For Ava.

Immediately, Plutarch enters the room and people making final checks on my appearance surround me. They usher me out of the room and to the grand front entrance of the mansion. I'm sure they're speaking, but I don't listen. I've been briefed on how this will go so many times I could do it in my sleep. I'm to stand outside on the groups, facing the mansion. Snow will be brought out and I will take the final shot in this war against the Capitol. The war against 75 years of oppression ends today.

Walking out into the sunlight, I can see crowds of people have come to witness this. I go to my position a few yards from the terrace. To my right, I can see what's left of my fellow Victors standing, watching with blank expressions. Peeta catches my eye and I'm glad to see he doesn't have Ava with him. She's too young for this to be her life.

I look away from him as they bring Snow out. He seems to look even smaller than when I spoke to him just a few days ago. They force him to his knees and he looks up at me. There's no fear or remorse in his eyes, he looks at me as if curious to see my next move. I load my bow and aim for his heart. I remember our conversation,

_We agreed not to lie to one another._

_We had been in Snow's mansion for nearly a week and my nightmares were only getting worse as each day passed. I wanted to leave. Peeta had mentioned District 12 briefly but how would we ever be able to live there with destruction and memories surrounding us?_

_Quietly, I slipped into a depression. Around me, everyone was making plans. Plans of what to do now that Snow's government was out of power, plans of what to do with the Capitol, the Districts, me. All around, the topic of conversation was what to do with the Mockingjay now that she was done serving. In the absence of fighting and performing, I just stopped. Nothing around me seemed to really matter, and no one seemed to really care that I'd dropped out. The only person that could coax any conversation out of me was Peeta, and he only succeeded some of the time. I would sit in our room, staring out the window for hours. He would bring Ava in, and she brought me some joy but her bright eyes couldn't light all the darkness that had settled in me._

_When Peeta wasn't around, called away for stupid gatherings, I took to wandering the many halls that seem to make up the mansion. Halls that, with their quiet carpets and soft curtains, brought me more comfort than the people that paraded in and out of my room could. These halls covered in paintings don't judge. The eyes of people long gone cannot see this tiny girl who has killed so many people. No, the empty halls and rooms that never end were my escape. It felt almost normal to just walk and not think about the next move in the game._

" _I'm so tired of playing." Slowing down, I ran my fingers across the colorful wallpaper and whispered, "No one ever does win the Hunger Games…" I took a deep breath and my entire body tensed._

_The smell hit me fully and suddenly, as though I had walked through some invisible barrier that was keeping it in. I put my sleeve to my nose, trying to block out the overwhelming smell, and came upon a garden. It was beautiful, despite the horrible flower growing within._

" _I was wondering if you'd find your way here." Turning, I came face to face with the man who helped make my life into this miserable thing. He looked so small, sitting within the garden and I couldn't help wonder why he wasn't being held somewhere else, why he was allowed to just tend to the garden like nothing had changed… Like he wouldn't be dead in a few days time. "Beautiful, aren't they?"_

_I shook my head. "I never cared for roses."_

_He smiled slightly, perhaps the warmest expression I'd ever seen him make. He looked away from me, back to the flowers he was tending. "Simple flowers, when you get down to it. Common, almost. You can find them in any district, yet people yearn for them. It cannot be helped. Like you, Miss Everdeen. The people yearned for someone, anyone, to help them. And they were given you." He paused, looking back up at me. "Pity you never remember the thorns."_

_Silence filled the room, and I couldn't help but settle on his words. The people of Panem shouted for release from the Capitol, and I've given them that… but there always are thorns…_

" _I was lucky enough to meet your daughter." My heart began beating fast, who would take her anywhere near this monster? "Not to worry," he said, obviously seeing my confusion and anger, perhaps even my fear of letting him hold her over me. "A nurse was taking her through the halls and we happened to cross paths. My guards apparently were curious to see the Mockingjay's child." A smile twisted his lips. "She is delightful." He was quiet for a few minutes after that, letting this new knowledge sink in._

" _I suppose it will be you who.._ _ends_ _it all tomorrow?" His voice was so casual, almost like he was asking after a cup of tea. I nodded, bringing a small smile to his lips. "Fitting."_

" _You aren't even scared." It's not a question. He wouldn't be frightened of what's to come._

" _No," he said. "I knew it was coming. I lost thing war long before Coin dropped those bombs on Capitol children."_

_My eyes narrowed. "You ordered that to happen."_

_Smirking he said, "Do you really think I would have wasted my chance to escape if I had access to a working hovercraft?" He shook his head. "I thought you knew me better than that, Miss Everdeen. I don't kill without reason."_

_Somewhere in District 13, Gale and Beetee are designing the trap which plays to its victims emotions, making them approach a destruction scene and then be destroyed themselves. I can almost hear Coin calling the order to drop the parachutes…_

" _You're lying," I whispered, shaking my head._

" _We agreed not to lie to one another." For the first time, he almost looked sorry._

My bow tilts up and I let loose the arrow. My aim is true and Coin slumps forward, falling to the courtyard dead.

There's a moment where no one quite knows what's happened. I can hear Snow starting to laugh at the top of the courtyard. I whisper, "goodnight" to my bow and let it fall to the ground as the rebel guards rush to me. I don't fight, not really. I knew this would happen. I knew they would come after me like this. Before the first man reaches me, I search for Peeta in the crowd. He's moved forward, closer to me but still so far away. It's so perfect for our relationship. I've been grabbed by one of the guard and shout out, "Take care of her!" as they pull me back toward the mansion.

I'm blindfolded the instant we reach the mansion. Guards hold tight to my arms, even though I'm not putting up much of a struggle. They march me through the long corridors of the mansion and down several sets of stairs. I'm sure of my destination before I hear the familiar creak of the cell door, and I'm pushed through.

The door behind my shuts and I push my blindfold up. I realize instantly this is not the same cell I was held in only two weeks ago. That one was empty, save for my prize for betraying the rebellion, and this one at least contains a low cot. I sit down and push myself against the wall, wondering what the next move will be. I've killed the new President of Panem, there's no denying that.

I'm kept in the cell for several days, my only visitor is a guard that brings me meals three times a day. He never speaks, merely opens the door and pushes in a tray. I don't know what's happening outside of these four walls. Am I to be executed? Jailed for life? Spared?

It's five days after my assassination of President Coin that I get a visitor aside from the regular guard. The door opens and I'm shocked to see Haymitch standing there, his old smirk present.

"Well, sweetheart, you've certainly done it this time." He doesn't sound anxious, disappointed or anything else that he should were my life in serious danger. And I feel I know Haymitch enough now to make that claim. He sits down on the edge of my cot and looks around. "Nice place."

I roll my eyes. "What's going on, Haymitch? I've been here five days longer than I expected to be."

He frowns at that. He understands that I fully expected to be killed for my actions. "Don't let the boy hear you say that."

"How is he?" I can hear the edge of desperation in my voice. I did this knowing Peeta would be left behind, knowing that whatever happened I could very well not see him again. Sitting locked away is worse than the alternative. He's out there, taking care of our daughter in a way I never could imagine, and thoughts of him fill my mind every day.

"Fighting for you." Haymitch looks at me, and I can read what he hasn't said. "He's angry, alright, but he won't give up on you. The trial started yesterday." He shakes his head slightly. "Plutarch is putting up a big defense for you."

The guard comes back to the door at this point. I guess Haymitch has limited time. Or I suppose I do. I watch as he walks away, wondering when the next contact will be. Before he leaves I blurt out, "Tell Peeta I…" I look down as Haymitch turns back.  _Tell him I'm sorry, tell him I know he didn't sign on for this, tell him to live a better life… one he deserves._  Haymitch doesn't say anything, just nods and the door closes behind him.

Time passes even slower after Haymitch's visit. I constantly think about the trial and how I could possible be found innocent in all of this. Plutarch has his work cut out for him with this.

Another week goes by before my cell door opens again to reveal someone other than my constant guard. I'm lying on my cot, staring up at the ceiling, when a voice I wasn't expecting says, "Well, Miss Everdeen you have caused quite the stir." I sit up and my eyes meet those of Plutarch Heavensbee, and he's smiling. My heartbeat quickens as I wonder what the smile could mean. He was a game maker, he loves heartbreak as long as it provides a good show. And what could make for a better show than this? He clasps his hands together, smile widening. "I come with good news."

The shock that follows his statement is something I doubt I will forget. I'm free. I get to leave this cell, I'm not being killed for what I did.

Plutarch motions for me to follow him from the cell, talking as we walk up the stairs back into the main part of the mansion. "It was a tough case to make, I will say. The evidence overwhelming against you, but I did my research and uncovered some… ah, interesting information about Coin." That gets my attention away from the curious activity within the mansion, I had assumed it would be empty without a President to live in. "In the end," Plutarch continues, "they decided to let you go. On the condition that you were returned to District 12." I look up at him as he stops at a door to the back lawns. "You will have to stay there. Forever."

He leads me to a hovercraft that sits on the flowing grounds of the mansion. District 12. What's even left of it? Ashes and grey shells of my former life? We board the hovercraft and I'm surprised to find Haymitch waiting for us. He gives me a brief smile, a real one that tells me he truly is happy to see me. One look around the room tells me Peeta is not here, he would have been the first to greet me, to pull me into his arms. I frown and move to a seat by the window, watching as we lift away from the mansion, away from the Capitol. It looks the same as ever, glittering and candy-colored, but maybe it will change under the surface.

Plutarch rambles on for what feels like hours. He talks about the trial, about his role in mounting my defense, and how it was easy to present me as a shell-shocked victim who wanted a better world for her daughter. I cringe and keep my eyes on the window, refusing to respond or look at Plutarch until we drop him off in District 2. He stops before disembarking and says, "Don't be a stranger, Miss Everdeen." With any luck, this will be the last time I ever see him.

The ride is quieter after Plutarch leaves. Haymitch shifts through all the compartments in a search for any liquor he can find. When he returns to the seats, lap full of tiny bottles, I raise an eyebrow. "Don't give me that look, sweetheart. War's over. I can celebrate however I like."

"Where is he?" I can't help when the same fear that consumed me after the Quarter Quell starts to creep back up. There was no mention of Peeta then either…

Haymitch twists the cap off one of the bottles and takes a swig before answering. "He's back in 12 with your mom and sister. They went ahead after the trial ended and your sentence served." For a moment, I don't believe him. Why wouldn't Peeta demand to be here? Haymitch smirks, almost like he can hear my thoughts. "He put up a fight against leaving without you, but he went on in the end. Threatened me though, told me I better not start drinking before I knew you were alright." He takes another drink from the bottle. "Saw you from the window, looked alright to me."

I shake my head, allowing him a small smile. "What will you do?"

He shrugs. "Stay in 12. There's no place for me in the Capitol, wouldn't want one either."

There's something in his voice, something in the easy way he says that words that makes me think they're practiced. Haymitch refused to go into 12 when we went there with the camera crew, hasn't been down even once since the bombs are far as I know. He isn't coming back because there's no where else for him, he's coming back because of me.

"You have to watch me, don't you?" I don't take my eyes off him, and I see the frown in his eyes before it shows on his face. "With everyone there, you still have to be my mentor?"

"There are worse things to do, sweetheart."

We're quiet for the remainder of the trip. I watch the trees below us become more and more familiar. As the sun begins to set, we begin to land in an open area outside the Victor's Village. Haymitch grabs his bag of bottles and staggers off toward his house. I wonder if I'll really see him much, probably not. I take a deep breath as I move into the Village, walking slowly toward my own house. It looks warm and inviting, a steady stream of smoke coming out of the chimney. The door opens when my feet reach the walkway, and Peeta steps out. Behind him, my mother holds Ava with Prim not far behind.

My family.


End file.
